By: paqi
As a member of the internet band humor community (yes, there IS such a thing!) it's my duty to warn you about a certain disease that many of you may already be afflicted with: Pepatitis B. Yes, Pepatitis B, that dreadful disease that tends to be most dangerous for people who spend a lot of time in the band room. This disease is most apparent at football and basketball games among band members, but can be observed at any time in the band room, or any other place where band geeks congregate (especially after a band performance). Symptoms include: a strong desire to spend more time in the band room, unnatural excitement (not THAT kind of excitement, you sicko!) at getting things like new reeds and other band equipment, terrible but persistent singing, exuberant dancing for no apparent reason (especially in large groups, but ESPECIALLY alone), loudly mocking the cheerleaders at school sports, and the ability to be amused for hours by something as simple as trading quotes from "The Simpsons." If you are in band, especially if you were in marching or pep band, it's very likely that you already have this disease, which can be extremely dangerous and lead to such disastrous consequences as deciding on a college based on its music program and yelling loud enough to deafen people in Kazakhstan. Do you even know where that is? If not, just tone it down anyway.
IF YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS AFFLICTED WITH PEPATITIS B, PLEASE REMAIN CALM AND CONTACT THE NEAREST MENTAL INSTITUTION, NIMH FACILITY, OR VIOLENT POLICE OFFICER.
Other common band diseases you should also be aware of:
CPS (Chronic Playing Syndrome):
Most common to alto sax players, sufferers of this disease find an inability to stop playing their instrument, which is most inconvenient when they continue to play for two years after the conductor cuts off in rehearsal. There's no known cure [that the Haven is able to legally endorse].
Pepatitis C:
A variant of Pepatitis B, this is the disease that bandos can catch as a result of spending too much time near cheerleaders. It's very similar to Pepatitis B except that sufferers tend to be louder and more obnoxious, and the males who get it have a tendency to yell at basketball games a lot in a pathetic attempt to get the cheerleaders' attention. Resist the urge to smack them, as they've lost the ability to control themselves.
MBS (Male Bassoonist Syndrome):
This was mentioned to me by a concerned visitor who thought others should be informed about the perils of playing bassoon. I personally have never experienced it, but I'm told it involves the male bassoonist playing with bad tone purely for the purpose of annoying the female bassoonist. Be warned, low reedists: it sounds messy. Other diseases mentioned by the person who told me about MBS: Nick Syndrome (a guy carrying too much pit equipment and occasionally knocking himself out or a guy who is absesed wuth listening to jazz and likes to push people when htey do somthing wrong and has a friend named Richie and Giraffe Syndrome (stay away from people with long necks).
Drumsticks Disease:
This disease has been more thoroughly covered in the 'A "different" drummer' article, and is difficult to describe or diagnose. Symptoms vary, but if you see a person holding a pair of drumsticks, usually it's safe to assume that they already have the disease. It basically just comes down to acting like a freak all the time for no reason (sad but true). Remain calm and quietly contact proper help for these poor individuals.