EXTRACTS FROM THE SCREENPLAY
"JARVIS: A TWISTED TALE"®
BY STEVEN SMITH AND ANN PALKA© SMITHPALKAFILMS™ 2001©
15. INT. DRILL HARD BAR - DAY.
We see Jarvis sitting at the bar on a stool. His best friend, HENRY WOLF a short, dark, greasy-haired, squinty-eyed man, is sitting with him. He is wearing jeans, a denim jacket, and thick black glasses. Jarvis and Henry are in shot side by side sitting at the bar eating from a bowl full of stale pretzels.
JARVIS
Women! Can't live with them.
HENRY
Men! Can't live with them.
JARVIS
(agrees without
thinking)
Yeah...
(looks at Henry
confused)
Men? What do you mean?
HENRY
I mean people. Men!
JARVIS
Oh, men. Screw them all.
HENRY
Well, I wouldn't go that far, Jarvis.
JARVIS
What is it about us two, Henry. Two
of the most desirable bachelors in PA
and what do we end up with.
HENRY
I know what you're saying, Jarvis. I
just can't seem to find the right
woman for me.
JARVIS
A stupid, thin, prim looking,
mackerel-smelling bitch and...
(looks at Henry)
...oh yeah, at least you're single.
Imagine having Ethel around you day and
night. You'd be foaming at the mouth by
the end of the first week. Can you
picture that?
HENRY
(thinking what it
might be like)
I can imagine... She is a bit of a babe
though, isn't she.
JARVIS
My Ethel?
HENRY
Yeah...
JARVIS
What the hell have you been drinking?
HENRY
What?
JARVIS
Snap out of it, before I let her onto
you. Do you know she hasn't shaved her
armpits in the nine years that we've
been hitched.
HENRY
Really?
JARVIS
Nine years! Has it really been that
long? Fuck me, it's time to get rid of
her, I bet I could trade her in for
some sexy redhead.
HENRY
Nicole Kidman is available.
JARVIS
No. Got tits like a sparrow.
HENRY
Nothing to hang onto, ah?
JARVIS
She needs to be a perfectly built
woman.
HENRY
In what way?
JARVIS
Big tits, big ass and loads of cash to
spend. It's not much to ask, is it.
HENRY
Where did it all go wrong?
JARVIS
Yeah, where did it all go wrong, Henry,
pal. Why did I ever pick Ethel?
HENRY
(getting annoyed)
It all started when those bastards
got my Suki.
The BAR LADY walks over, takes the bowl of pretzels and swaps them with a plate of complementary Twists, which look like pretzels.
JARVIS
Do you mind! We're trying to have a
private conversation here. We didn't
order these.
WAITRESS
Complimentary Twists, fresh in. The
others had been there for three weeks.
JARVIS
Oh! Cheers, kid!
Jarvis grabs one of the Twists and takes a big bite. Henry nibbles on one. A POLICEMAN enters the bar looking around at everyone then sits down at the bar. Jarvis looks at the policeman angrily then takes another bite of the Twist.
JARVIS (CONT'D)
I hate cops. There isn't one good
thing about them.
Jarvis's voice is getting LOUDER and LOUDER as he yanks off pieces of the twist, gulping them down.
JARVIS (CONT'D)
There's never a cop around when you
need one.
The policeman is drinking coffee and eating a twist. He turns around and looks at Jarvis.
JARVIS (CONT'D)
Do you know what I'm saying? If you
can't get one to arrest your wife,
what good is he? And what's the use
of having a police force?
The policeman is glassy-eyed. He is trying to lean his shoulder on the bar, but appears to be drunk. He looks over at Jarvis with a goofy smile on his face then takes another bite of the Twist. Henry is holding a picture, looking at it, crying.
HENRY
I hate cops, too.
Jarvis reaches across.
JARVIS
Cheer up, old boy. Ethel does have
that effect on people. Just talking
about her will bring any man to tears.
She's a real bow-wow.
Henry is holding a picture of his dog. He is choking back tears.
HENRY
Damn cops! They ran over my Suki.
She was a good bow-wow.
DISSOLVE TO:
16. FLASHBACK - EXT. MAIN SQUARE - NIGHT.
We see a YOUNGER LOOKING HENRY walking his pet Afghan hound, SUKI. They pass the 1st precinct police station.
Suki is on a leash.
A police car screeches out from the police station, its SIREN blaring. A frightened Suki gets away from Henry's grasp and is killed by the hit and run police car.
DISSOLVE TO:
17. INT. DRILL HARD BAR - DAY.
Jarvis talks about his wedding day.
JARVIS
How did it all begin?
HENRY
Don't you remember?
JARVIS
How can I ever forget.
DISSOLVE TO:
18. INT. JARVIS'S HOUSE - MORNING.
We move along a carpet and see scattered beer cans and take away cartons. A pile of sick is on the couch. We see a pair of hairy short legs upside down.
A younger-looking Jarvis is slouched unconscious upside down beside the couch, his feet in the air. There is an empty beer can on his stomach and a cigarette in the corner his mouth.
Suddenly from behind the other side of the couch a younger-looking Henry appears. He is shirtless and looks hung over.
HENRY
Hey Jarvis! Wake up.
JARVIS
(waking up)
What the hell...
HENRY
There is something about last night
that doesn't add up.
JARVIS
That was the bender to end all benders,
Henry, my old boy. The chicks were all
over us last night.
HENRY
That was the strip club. You paid them
To be all over you.
JARVIS
They wanted it really. Gagging for it,
all of them.
HENRY
(walks over to
Jarvis and picks
him up)
There is something about last night
that I can't remember. We did something
bad.
JARVIS
We did what?
HENRY
Wait a minute. I remember now.
(points to Jarvis)
You did something bad! Oh no Jarvis,
you screwed up big time. I don't want
anything to do with it.
JARVIS
What did I do?
Jarvis gets up and grabs Henry by the neck.
HENRY
You don't remember?
JARVIS
You better tell me before I throw
your head down the toilet.
HENRY
No, I can't. You're in the shit now,
Jarvis.
JARVIS
(grabs him harder)
You'll be in the shit, literally in
a minute.
HENRY
Okay, okay, I'll tell you. At the strip
joint. You remember the real ugly bird
that came out and stripped. Ethel
Crimpsure was her name. Don't you
remember? At school she was the girl
voted least likely to get screwed, ever
in her life.
JARVIS
I think I do.
HENRY
This bird was so ugly when she came
to school she had her own classes
because the teachers couldn't put her
in with the normal-looking people.
JARVIS
Yeah, I remember her.
HENRY
Well, you didn't think she was ugly.
JARVIS
You mean I screwed her?
HENRY
It's worse than that, man.
JARVIS
She was a man?
HENRY
No, much worse. Think of the most
terrifying thing that could ever
happen to a single guy and triple it.
JARVIS
(knows what he's
done)
Oh my god! You mean I asked her to
marry me?
HENRY
You were so drunk. I was too.
JARVIS
How did I get out it?
HENRY
Well, to be honest with you, I don't
think you did.
JARVIS
What!
HENRY
It just so happens sitting in the strip
joint was the local vicar.
JARVIS
(calming himself)
Wait a minute. Lets just calm ourselves,
kid. Let me go through this. What you're
saying is that I'm married to queen
ugly bitch.
(a beat)
You're kidding me, right?
SOUND OF DOORBELL.
Jarvis looks at the front door and panics. Henry smiles. The door slowly opens as it was not shut properly.
Standing in the doorway carrying a suitcase is a younger-looking goofy Ethel. She smiles.
ETHEL
Hi honey, I'm home.
Jarvis screams.
JARVIS
Kill me!
DISSOLVE TO:
19. INT. DRILL HARD BAR - DAY.
Henry looks at Jarvis.
HENRY
She is better looking now, isn't she,
Jarvis?
JARVIS
You're only saying that because you're
single.
HENRY
I'm single because every bird I go out
with has some sort of failure. I just
can't seem to get it right with them.
JARVIS
Maybe in future you shouldn't agree to meet
them before marriage.
DISSOLVE TO:
20. FLASHBACK. EXT. BUILDING - NIGHT.
Henry is at the entrance to a building. He is with BUFFALO BETSY, his girlfriend. She is a tall burly woman with a tattoo of a buffalo on her face and a ring through her nose.
HENRY
Yes, I know your work comes first. I
don't want to deprive you of anything
you love to do. But can't we work
something out?
BUFFALO BETSY
No! I love my work and just can't get
involved in a permanent relationship
right now. I hope you understand, Henry?
HENRY
But, Buffalo Betsy, I love you.
BUFFALO BETSY
(walking into
building)
See you around.
She waves and throws Henry a kiss.
21. INT. BUILDING - NIGHT.
We see a boxing arena packed with people. In the middle is a boxing ring.
ANNOUNCER
(loud and booming)
And the winner and still undefeated
champion....Buffalo Betsy.
Buffalo Betsy has boxing gloves on and raises her hands in a victory sign.
DISSOLVE TO:
22. ANOTHER FLASHBACK. EXT. PARK - DAY.
Henry is sitting on a park bench facing a TIMID WOMAN. She is reading a book and says very little. She has a huge mole on her face.
HENRY
I know I've only known you for a
few short weeks. Well, I know you
never say much. You usually just
sit there smiling and nodding but
that's just fine with me. You're
really the first woman who has
ever listened to what I have to
say. I know this is kind of sudden
and I don't even know your name.
But what I want to say is, will
you marry me?
The timid woman nods her head. Henry is thrilled.
TIMID WOMAN
We had better get in touch with
Father O'Connor. When will this
wedding take place?
HENRY
How about tomorrow?
TIMID WOMAN
That can be arranged. See you at
the chapel on Carter Lane. You had
better hurry along, dear. You've
probably got so much to do before
the wedding.
CUT TO:
23. TIME CUT. INT. CHAPEL - DAY.
Henry shows up at the chapel. He is standing at the altar. The church has only a few of Henry's friends in it. The PRIEST is standing at the altar. The organist plays.
MUSIC OVER - WEDDING MARCH
The MUSIC STOPS because the bride is not coming down the aisle. Henry, the priest, and a few friends look around the chapel to see if the bride is coming. The WOMAN playing the organ peers around the sheets of music. She is wearing a NUN'S habit and is the timid woman Henry thought he was marrying. She looks concerned.
NUN
My dear boy. Where on earth is your
bride?
Henry is in shock.
DISSOLVE TO:
24. INT. DRILL HARD BAR - DAY.
Jarvis talks about how bad Ethel treats him.
JARVIS
Ethel can be a real bitch. You say
you think she's great and that I'm
the lucky one to have somebody. Henry,
old boy, I'd trade her in for a pig
any day. At least a pig doesn't get in
your way all the time, make you the
unnameable sandwich and make you want
to kill it. A pig just sits there. That
would be great.
(a beat)
Do you know what she did to me the
other day...
DISSOLVE TO:
25. INT. SITTING ROOM - DAY.
Jarvis is watching a porn film. Ethel sneaks into the room and comes up behind him. Jarvis has his trousers down and seems to be jerking himself off. He is shocked and quickly tries to stop the film winding it forward and back. He stands up and his trousers fall down.
JARVIS
(to Ethel)
What the hell are you doing? This is
my time now. Fuck off!
(puts his hand
in front of Ethel)
Do you mind fuck face!
25a. SLOW DOLLY TRACK TO JARVIS'S FACE.
JARVIS
(angry)
Do you mind!
DISSOLVE TO:
26. INT. DRILL HARD BAR - DAY.
Jarvis remembers his sex life.
HENRY
That's just sad. Why can't a wife
just understand about our beating the
meat habits.
JARVIS
It was a real shock you know. Even on
the odd occasion that we do make it with
each other she isn't sexy enough for me.
DISSOLVE TO:
27. FLASHBACK - INT. JARVIS'S BEDROOM - NIGHT.
Jarvis is laying in the bed with Ethel. He rolls over and feels frisky. Ethel looks at him and smiles.
JARVIS
I want it, Ethel.
ETHEL
Ok, honey. Just don't hurt me.
Jarvis rolls over and gets on top of Ethel. There is a few seconds of movement and lust.
ETHEL
Have you started yet, honey?
JARVIS
(look of joy
on his face)
Started? I've finished already.
DISSOLVE TO:
28. INT. DRILL HARD BAR - DAY.
Henry looks at Jarvis oddly. Then gets angry.
HENRY
It started for me when I was just
a kid. That's where the years of
hate have come from.
DISSOLVE TO:
29. FLASHBACK - EXT. BACKYARD - DAY.
Henry is five years old, walking toward his sandbox in his parents' back yard. He wears thick glasses and has short greasy hair.
Henry's POLICEMAN FATHER is standing near the sandbox in his uniform. He is trying to hide something from his son. Henry enters the sandbox and his father walks away.
A smoke bomb goes off in Henry's face. Henry sits in the sandbox, tears streaming down his little face. His glasses are cracked, and sand is all over his face. Henry's father is pointing and laughing at his son.
HENRY'S FATHER
That's what happens to bad little boys
who forget to put their toys away.
30. EXT. HOUSE WINDOW - DAY.
HENRY'S MOTHER is standing looking out the window. She is laughing, clapping, and taunting her young son. She is drunk.
DISSOLVE TO:
31. TIME CUT. EXT. BACKYARD - DAY.
Henry's mother and father are standing in the sandbox placing more smoke bombs.
MOTHER
This'll teach him.
32. EXT. HOUSE WINDOW - DAY.
We see Henry peering from behind a long white curtain watching his mother and father in the sandbox.
33. EXT. SANDBOX - DAY.
Henry's father is planting a smoke bomb in the sand when he notices a small explosive device already there.
FATHER
(confused)
What the...
Henry's father turns to the window and sees Henry
standing, holding a remote control device.
FATHER (CONT'D)
(fear)
Henry, No!
THE SANDBOX EXPLODES, along with Henry's mother and father.
34. INT. HOUSE BEDROOM - DAY.
Henry appears from behind the white curtain. His glasses are held together with tape. He is holding the remote control in his hand. Henry is smiling with glee.
HENRY
Mommy and Daddy go boom!
35. EXT. SANDBOX - DAY.
All that is left of Henry's mother and father is a smouldering policeman's hat.
DISSOLVE TO:
36. INT. DRILL HARD BAR - DAY.
Jarvis remembers again.
JARVIS
Do you know what she is doing to me?
I could be out there doing something
with my life. But I wake up with her
every morning and it's getting to me.
DISSOLVE TO:
37. FLASHBACK. INT. BEDROOM - EVENING - CLOSE SHOT.
We see a radio alarm clock click over to 6AM. Music plays on the radio as it clicks over.
MUSIC OVER - WALK LIKE AN EGYPTIAN - THE BANGLES
OR GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS - SAILOR
38. INT. JARVIS'S BEDROOM - MORNING - TRACKING SHOT/CLOSE SHOT.
As the music plays over; we track sideways to the bottom of a double bed.
We see Jarvis's feet hanging out the bottom of the bed.
One of his feet has a sock on it but with a hole where his big toe sticks through.
The other foot is free of any sock and looks dirty with grime. Jarvis's toenails are long and yellow.
The feet move and we hear a GRUMBLE from the bed. Jarvis is half awake. But somebody else is in the bed.
CUT TO:
39. INT. JARVIS'S BED - TRACKING SHOT/CLOSE SHOT.
We TRACK OVER the bed from the feet upwards and see Jarvis is lying asleep on the double bed.
He is small, fat, and middle-aged, with a moustache. His nose has a piece of tissue stuffed up it. He has stubble and looks gross. He lets out a LOUD YAWN as he wakes up.
39a. Jarvis rolls over and faces the middle of the bed. His eyes close for a second.
39b. on the other side of the bed is his wife Ethel. She is tall, thin and middle-aged.
Ethel rolls over and faces Jarvis. Both are asleep still.
Ethel's face is covered in white cream. She has cucumber slices over her eyes. The cream has run and she looks like an alien.
Jarvis opens an eye slightly and sees the cucumber slices and cream. He is still half asleep and thinks it is part of his dream.
Jarvis reaches across and picks off one of the cucumber slices. He wipes it in the cream and places it in his mouth closing his eye behind him.
We see Jarvis chew for a few moments then suddenly realize what he is eating.
Both Jarvis and Ethel open their eyes quickly. They look at each other. Jarvis looks at Ethel with her cream covered face. Ethel looks at Jarvis with his stubble and tissue up the nose.
They both SCREAM at each other.
40. INT. BATHROOM - MORNING - MED./CLOSE SHOTS.
Jarvis is standing in front of the mirror. A towel is wrapped around his waist. He is admiring himself and flexes his muscles as if he is good-looking.
Jarvis looks down at his towel and then inside checking his manhood.
He grins after checking then starts to shave the hair from his belly button with a disgusting-looking razor.
After finishing he places the razor into a pot next to the sink.
41. INT. BATHROOM - LATER - MED./CLOSE SHOTS.
We see Ethel in the bathroom. She gets some shaving foam and starts to put it around her face. She has stubble like a man.
She picks up the same disgusting razor Jarvis had used to shave his belly button and she starts to shave her face.
DISSOLVE TO:
42. INT. DRILL HARD BAR - DAY.
Jarvis pours himself a shot of whiskey from a bottle. He grumbles to himself.
JARVIS
If only I could get rid of her. I'd
have a mackerel free life. Never
should have married the damn woman...
(looks at the
whiskey he is
drinking)
...and you're the cause of all of
this. Remember the things we did,
don't you.
DISSOLVE TO:
43. INT. BATHROOM - DAY - MED. SHOT.
Jarvis is drinking and smoking. He puts his glass down and goes to the downstairs toilet. He needs to take a leak. But the toilet is blocked and he goes to pee in the sink. The light goes out and his foot goes into the blocked toilet.
We see Jarvis's foot covered in shit.
DISSOLVE TO:
44. INT. DRILL HARD BAR - DAY.
Henry looks at his reflection in the bar wall mirror.
HENRY
I even tried a lonely-hearts video.
DISSOLVE TO:
45. INT. SITTING ROOM - BEING INTERVIEWED.
Henry is talking to us the camera. He has his hair back and looks half smart. He is reading from a piece of paper.
HENRY
(nervous)
Hello ladies. My name is...
(checks his paper)
...Henry Wolf. I'm single and looking
for a lady who...
(checks his paper,
quietly)
...likes to give blowjobs. I mean
likes working hard on a relationship.
She must have a nice smile because...
(checks his paper)
...because I need a lady with big boobs...
(finding it difficult
to read)
...please turn over...
(turns his paper
over)
Oh, yes turn the paper over.
(looks into the
camera)
That was just a rehearsal; you won't
use that one, will you?
DISSOLVE TO:
46. INT. DRILL HARD BAR - DAY.
Jarvis is sad. He remembers his video.
JARVIS
Yeah, that was a waist of money. I
remember my video. I can't understand
why women didn't respond to us. They
must be mad.
DISSOLVE TO:
47. INT. SITTING ROOM - BEING INTERVIEWED.
CLOSE ON Jarvis as he speaks to us.
JARVIS
(lights up)
Is this on?
(points at camera)
Shit. Give me a sec. Well, this film
is about me. I'm a bachelor. I'm looking
for a nice lady who is normal because
I'm about as normal as you can get.
(a long beat)
Well, in answer to your questions, yes I
am looking for a single lady. But she
has to be someone who fits my standards.
Women around the world want me.
My neighbor fancies me but she's an ugly
bitch. So if you're interested in a man
who's got everything going for him, don't
hesitate in contacting me. No time
wasters please.
(a beat)
Is that all you want?
47a. The camera ZOOMS INTO Jarvis's face, right up his nostrils.
JARVIS
(angry)
Do you mind!
DISSOLVE TO:
48. INT. DRILL HARD BAR - DAY.
Jarvis is looking through the lonely hearts and reads some out to the camera.
JARVIS
All these cows must be fucking fat.
Listen to this...
(reads a few
adverts)
...I want something more than a frump
you know. I'm well worth it. Just look
at me I'm girl bait. What woman wouldn't
want me?
HENRY
We have to do something about our
lives, Jarvis.
JARVIS
I know. This isn't the life I imagined.
HENRY
Well, I'm going to do something about
it. Starting with the barmaid.
JARVIS
I'll sort out my life if you sort out
yours.
HENRY
Today is the start of something
important in our lives.
JARVIS
(raises his glass
to Henry)
To hell welcoming us.
Henry jumps up on the bar and raises his glass to the whole bar.
HENRY
To hell!
BARMAID
You get down from there.
Henry swigs his drink, looks down at sees the barmaid, her cleavage is showing and he smiles. Henry jumps down on the barmaid's side.
BARMAID
Get over there.
HENRY
I said I was going to start with the
barmaid.
BARMAID
The hell you are!
The barmaid kicks Henry in the bollocks and his face is a picture of pain.