Title: Life Without You - Chapter 8 Author: Sailor Europa Rating: PG ******************************************************************************** Hi - hi minna! :) I'm back! *crosses her fingers* OK, I promise that this chapter will be longer than the past few. *sheepish grin* All right, I can't promise that, but I can promise I will try. I was actually very pleased with the last chapter, except for the fact that it was so DAMN SHORT! *deep breath* I will try very hard! It is actually Sunday, and I'm already beginning chapter 8, so there's your proof. Anyway, I was struck with inspiration while in church today (I know, I'm going to hell...), and I couldn't wait to get home to start on it! :) I've actually been hit with a lot of inspiration lately, but not on my writing. A lot of my time has been taken up by art, and I just started on a painting on Eternal SM, and a B&W drawing of Mulder and Scully from the X-Files. (God, I am SUCH a nerd.....) Anyway, I hope you all enjoy this, and please e-mail me and tell me what you think! Ja! :) - Sailor Europa ***************** Life Without You By Sailor Europa After my bought with emotion, I decided to forgo any attempts in dating that came my way. I came to this conclusion after deciding that the last thing I needed was another hospital visit. The last one was enough for me. More than enough. So, I ditched Jared for the next week, and although my guilt got the better of me every so often, and I gave in to a few friendly chats, I was basically alone. I had to say that 'voluntary solitude' feels MUCH better, than when it's thrust on you on a beautiful spring Sunday. I had lunch with Mina twice, and conveniently 'forgot' to tell her of my decision. I figured, what she didn't know, won't hurt her. My choice was justified, when first, she forgot which restaurant to meet me at, and second, she forgot her wallet. I knew this wasn't the woman I wanted knowing I was avoiding my two boyfriends. One of them might end up dead. Or insane.... Either way didn't do me any good. ********* By the end of the week, I was beginning to feel a little better towards my pursuers. I was finally thinking clearer, and it wasn't too much longer before I wanted to go out again. But not with them. So, here it was, a beautiful Saturday, late afternoon, the sun setting low in the horizon just above the Tokyo skyline, and I was sitting casually in front of my vanity, trying to decide whether silver or blue went better with my pastel dress. Between my little dispute, when I had the time, I was busy figuring what in Gods name I was doing. 'Doing' meaning the club I was about to take off to. Yes, that's right. Mina, the conservative TV anchor woman for KNXV 13, was taking me to the newest night spot in the greater Tokyo area. I was actually a little anxious about the whole experience, although I wasn't sure whether it was because I was nervous or excited. I hated dancing, but the idea of spending a night away from my home was VERY appealing, and it seemed to be just what I needed. I finally decided on the silver shadow, and dusted a generous amount of my lids, and finally gave myself one last look over. I smiled in contentment, and glanced at the clock. I stood up and stretched, realizing I still had a good 15 minutes before Mina came to pick me up. That was, if she was on time, which wasn't likely. I ventured out of my room and back into the entry way of my apartment and flopped carelessly onto the sofa. I watched the blank television set wordlessly, not really wanting to turn it on. I sighed deeply and caught a glimpse at the framed picture I had above the TV. I felt my heart sink as I gazed at the happy couple that stared blissfully back at me. It was, of course, a picture of Darien and I. I don't even know why I decided to put it up there. I stumbled upon it a few days ago, and in a fit of nostalgia, placed up in plain view. I tilted my head as my heart sank deeper inside my chest. I wondered once more why I was doing this to myself, not letting myself get over him. Or Jared for that matter. I knew this whole recovery thing wasn't going to complete itself if I kept reminding myself of what I was missing. I stared blankly at the smiling blonde headed teenager, grin wide, eyes sparkling like I was so familiar with. The meatballs delicately set up on the top of her petite head. Her blue eyes glowed with the light that I had once been so accustomed with, that shining optimism that had once been my trademark. It's been four years, and I had almost forgotten I was once that girl. I had matured, yes, but at the same time, had grown cynical. That little spark that lived within me was gone, long extinguished after too many years of pain. My heart almost broke as I let my eyes wander to the hands that were placed delicately on the girls shoulders, and upwards still, to the dark, brooding figure that stood regally above her. The two seemed so linked, so together. Had that totally disappeared? Or was it just hiding from me? Too scared to show itself after being beaten for so long. To my surprise, I didn't cry. I no longer had to fight to hold back tears. They just didn't come. I blinked soundlessly as I stared at the picture still, not even sure why. I began to feel something strange inside myself, but I was confused as to what it was. It seemed totally foreign, at least compared to the pain and frustration that seemed to rule me the past few weeks. I tried desperately to sort through them, these new emotions that seemed to overtake my whole body. I delved deep inside my soul, searching for the answer, not sure what it was. It felt....nice. I couldn't describe it any better than that. Just nice. Not overly sensationalized, but definitely not subdued. I sat back and smiled to myself. I rested my mind and just let the feeling come over me. I gave into it, and I wasn't disappointed. I calmed my frantic nerves and soothed my mind to the point were I didn't even need to think. I sighed in contentment, until I was startled out of my trance by the doorbell ringing. I jumped up quickly, knowing that it was Mina. Twenty minutes late, and right on time. I flung open the door and found the petite blonde smiling wordlessly at me, not even waiting for me to invite her in, before she pushed past me and bustled into the entry room. I shut the door, grinning and shaking my head and turned around to face her. "Are you ready to have the time of your life, Serena?" She asked, winking and waggling her finger at me. I let a laugh escape and put my hands on my hips. "What does it look like? I didn't get this dressed up to do the dishes, you know." I replied and she gave her trademark giggle. Without another word she grabbed my wrist, and hustled me out the door, and ultimately into her little red Porsche. "So, where exactly _is_ this place, Mina?" I asked curiously, as we sped, 27 miles over the speed limit I might add, through the Tokyo highway. "Right in the heart of the shopping district. It is only the most exclusive club on the mainland." She gave me a mysterious little wink. "And no one gets in without a little name dropping." I loved have a celebrity for a best friend. "Luckily, you don't need to." She turned towards me, and I almost screamed as she just missed hitting a fire hydrant on the side of the road. "That's what you got me for." I sighed and took huge gasping breaths as Mina turned her attention back to the road and began humming to herself. I wrung my hands, trying desperately to calm my twisted nerves. I closed my eyes and prayed to God we would get there safely, knowing it was really a 50/ 50 chance. "This will be a night to remember." She added softly, barely even audible. I opened my eyes slowly and watched her carefully. I wasn't sure I was meant to hear that and I wondered what in the hell she was going to put me through tonight. I gazed tiredly out the passenger side window, shaking my head. I hadn't been gone 30 minutes, and I was already having serious regrets about my 'night on the town'. I laid my head against the window and watched as the glass fogged under my breath. This would _certainly_ be a night to remember. *********** "MINA!!!" I screamed at my oblivious friend as we entered the blaring night club. I watched her head bob up and down to the horrendously loud music, but didn't turn around. I sighed and tried again. "MINA!!!" Still, nothing. Finally I got fed up and grabbed her shoulders and roughly turned her around. She gave me this surprised look and tilted her head to the side. I sighed and motioned her over to the corner, hoping it would be a bit quieter. No such luck. "What?" She asked loudly, plugging her ears. I sighed and began my own yelling. "Don't you think it's a little.....loud?" I asked, and she gave me this incredible puzzled look, and I wondered if she even heard me. "My God Serena! This is a night club!" She rolled her eyes at me and shook her head slightly. "What did you expect?" I kept my mouth shut, feeling incredibly stupid and confused. I wasn't sure I liked being in a place where Mina could make _me_ feel naive and ignorant. It just didn't seem right.... I watched her crane her neck up, searching for something. I tried to catch exactly what she was looking at, but she once again latched onto my wrist and wretched me forward. "I SEE AN OPEN TABLE!" She shouted, as if she had just found the crown jewels of England hiding in her purse. I stumbled harshly over about 20 people on the way, my ankle twisting in ways I never would have thought possible. We finally arrived and Mina exhaled tiredly as she whipped out her compact and began to powder her nose delicately. I eyed her suspiciously, and shook my head in amazement. God, she was self absorbed. I plopped myself into an open chair and began to look around. I began to realize why this was the place to be during the night. Florescent lights lit up every inch of the place, flashing mirrored disco balls and wandering around the floor aimlessly. The dance floor had been done in a huge marble mosaic, while thousands of dancers piled over it, in time with the music. The stage was tiny compared to everything else, but it still housed 7 musicians, minds oblivious to the wild scene in front of them. The participants themselves were a sight, and I began to feel completely over dressed in the midst, noticing some were wearing next to nothing. I heaved a huge sigh, and wondered why in the hell I was here, instead of at home, doing my nails, and watching trashy talk shows. Mina looked my way just then, and gave me a happy smile, and I realized that I was doing this more for her than myself. Kinda ironic, since she seemed to think she was doing this for me, and I only wanted to humor her. You know, make her think she was actually doing me some good. I glanced about the room, hoping to find something to keep my interest. This was Mina's scene, not mine. I laughed as I watched her, oblivious to the blazing surroundings, a dopey little grin plastered on her face, head bobbing to the throbbing beat. Still find it a little hard to believe that an anchor woman can feel so 'in', at a modern dance club. Not exactly typical......She smiled at me again and added a little giggle and I laughed it up right along with her, honestly, for once. But then again, Mina never had been known for that...... ********* Two and half hours into it, and I was bored. Mina had danced with every guy in the place twice, and had now proceeded to flirt shamelessly with the bartender with the 'rippling pectorals', as she put it. I seriously doubted she even knew what 'pectorals' were. Hell, maybe she didn't know what a bartender was..... While she was having her testosterone fix, I was sitting idly by, trying to amuse myself by guessing which people would be going home alone, only to find out I would probably be the only one. I sighed once more for good measure as Mina sauntered back up to the table, a business card in one hand, an empty martini glass in the other. She gave me a lopsided grin, holding up her trophy for me to see. I rolled my eyes as she stopped just by the table. She leaned on it, and eyed me curiously. "Aw, aren't you having any fun?" She asked dejectedly. I raised a conspicuous eyebrow and almost opened my mouth to a disparaging remark, but decided that I shouldn't anger my ride home. She grabbed her purse and motioned me to follow. "Well, I got what I came for, so I won't make you suffer any longer." She threw a disappointed glance back at me and my heart sunk. God knows she tries, but I never seem to get anything from these little fix-it trips she goes on. We walked back outside, the crisp night air hitting the bare parts of my body, and the goose bumps rose up as I shivered against the breeze. Mina walked ahead, and I increased my speed to catch up, my heels clicking the tar pavement. She slowed down, and gave me a small smile. I could tell something was on her mind, but I wasn't quite sure what. I knew enough not to pressure her, and that if she wanted to tell me, she would. But, as we rode home, completely in silence, I began to sit a little bit uneasy. Mina's eyes never deterred from the rose, and she seemed to stare aimlessly out the windshield. I fiddled with the hem of my dress, twisting it until the fabric wrinkled unattractively. I wasn't sure, but this couldn't be good. I was worried something had happened with her, and I groaned to myself, knowing that was the last thing I needed. I stared blankly out the window, watching the lights whiz by me. I bit my lip in anticipation, hoping I could handle whatever the hell it was she was keeping. Hoping this wouldn't be the one that broke me. ******** "It'll only be a second......." I heard her muffled voice say from inside her apartment door. I had asked on the ride home to borrow her brown, open toed pumps to go with the skirt I had just bought, and so instead of going straight home, I was now muddling through Mina's pitch black pent house apartment, as she tried to pretend she knew her way around her place at night. She mumbled a few screams of pain before noticing the blinking red light on her answering machine. The threatening sound of thunder rumbled outside her window, echoed by Mina's low growling as she rammed into her counter before punching the play button. I leaned against the darkened room before Mina clicked on one lonely light in the left corner of the room, and walked slowly, her ankle impaired after colliding with the couch, to her room to get the shoes. The mechanical voice over sounded 'You-have-one-message" followed by a few clicks and finally a ringing, then finally the message. The voice was crisp and clear, and I watched Mina stop suddenly, mid hallway, the same time I did. "Hey Mina, this is Darien. I just wanted to remind you about my flight tomorrow, and that you needed to be at my apartment at 5pm tomorrow to take me to the airport. I got a lot of stuff packed, and I'm gonna need some time. See ya' then, bye." I closed my eyes, and my hands automatically rose to my hot cheeks, as Mina slowly rotated her body, her eyes completely terrified, and I could see she was holding back tears of her own. I sucked in a paralyzed breath, now stuck in a ball in my throat as I tried to gather my thoughts before breaking down. The machine clicked off then, and I stared her down. My eyes were narrowed and my fists clenched at my side. I couldn't decide whether to fall to the floor and cry or scream and yell, but the tears fell down just the same. Angry, hurt, confused tears mingled together, wetting my cheeks. I felt my heart pound just once against my chest, shaking my whole body in revelation. Mina began to run back to me, and she halted just a few paces from me, unsure whether to keep going, or keep her distance. I sucked back the full blown sobs, and stared blankly at her, unexpectant, letting her fill in the blanks. "Serena....." She started, her own voice blocked by a few empty sobs. "I....I wanted to tell you.......H.....He told me not to. He wanted to leave quietly! I swear, I wanted to tell you! Please believe me!" I sucked in a shallow breath before beginning, wondering where in the hell I _should_ begin. "Wh....Where......" Was all that I could manage. "Vietnam, teaching Japanese and English." She said, her voice steadying slightly. I composed myself somewhat and stared her back in the eyes. "Why.....doesn't he want me to know?" "He thought it would be better.....This way, if you didn't know." She replied shakily. I nodded in reply, biting my lip until I tasted the bitter blood that began to reveal itself inside my gums. I chewed some more, my nerves too shattered to stop. Too confused to continue, I wandered outside, my insides and outsides both shaking uncontrollably. I heard another crack of thunder, and my mind just shattered all around me. I felt my heart break under the strain of my life, and I collapsed, reduced to sobs onto the white plush carpeting of Mina's east side apartment. She ran over to me and put a comforting arm around me, but for once, I wouldn't have it. I shoved her off, and wrapped my own arms around me, rocking back and forth, my chest aching within my sobs. Mina stood idly by, watching wordlessly before I looked up, my eyes burning, and my throat sore. I could see how much this hurt her, and I felt instantly bad, but not enough to stop me. "Why?" I asked, my throat filling with more wails. She sat down a few inches in front of me, and leaned in so I could hear her. "I've tried so hard Mina......I've tried so damn hard!" "What Serena?" She asked, trying not to come too close as she stared, her eyes pooling over. "These past few months.....God, I've tried so much, everything in my power........Why does nothing work?" I sobbed out, my voice hoarse. She eyed me curiously, and I shook my head. "What?" "I wanted to get on with my life! I wanted to get over this, my past, US! I wanted to be normal again, not wondering what in the HELL happened!" I shook my head, trying to shake free my memories, my mind. Just take leave of it, if only for a little while. "Why doesn't it work? Why won't I heal?" I covered my face again, fresh tears spilling as I finally vocalized it. It was no longer covered by my fear, and had finally worked its' way to my consciousness. I felt her hands grip my shoulders painfully, her fingers inching into my flesh, searing my skin. She wrenched my bust upwards, my eyes forced to look into hers. Hey dark, menacing eyes burned into my own, and she gazed at me painfully. She gritted her teeth irritably and exhaled loudly, her breath drying my tears slightly. Shocked at her force my sobs stopped, and were now reduced to simple deep breaths, and she gazed at me intensely. "God, Serena, don't you get it?" She paused before continuing. "Damn it, after all this time, you still don't understand?" I tried to shake my head, but I was too intent in understanding her. "You aren't suppose to get over this! You aren't meant to heal Serena!" She almost yelled, and I felt my mind wander painfully through her concept. Could that be it? Was it really suppose to be this way? She sighed brokenly, and released my body as her shoulders sagged in exhaustion. I slumped over, my arms barely able to support my body which felt like it weighed a ton under the immense pressure. "Serena, I took an oath to protect the Princess, and I have risked my life willingly to uphold that." She inhaled. "But Serena, I can't make up your mind for you. You've been struggling with this for years, and I've watched you hurt, and it broke me to watch my best friend go through life so unaware. I know you look at Darien and only see your painful past, but your so blind sided!" She sat up straight and tipped my chin upwards. "Do you know what I see when I look at you two? The prince and princess of the Silver Millennium, who fell in love and overcame circumstances no one else would have been able to." She paused and wrapped her arms protectively around me. She released me, but kept her arms on my shoulders. "You're letting a little fear and past pain stand in the way of a life time of fate. I wish you would just admit to yourself that you can't fight this, because it'll only cost you your heart in the long run." She gave me a soft smile and cupped my face in her hands. I stared vulnerably back at her, and she kissed my forehead softly. She gathered herself up off the floor, leaving me to myself. I heard her muffled foot steps echo throughout the hall and let my face fall. I took no control over my body, and I finally fell helplessly to the carpet, the thud not even numbing the pain and mindlessness I felt. My body felt lighter as I lay there, and I knew she was right. This was the answer I had been searching for these past few years. It was fate, destiny, kismet, and my pain had been caused by my trying to fight it. I had at once felt my head begin to clear, and a few resolutionary tears fall off my eyes and instantly to the floor beneath me. I had figured it out, and now, it was finally over. And then I realized, something else was just beginning. Now, I had to resolve it. And that was the toughest part. *********************************** Aahhh, what was it, four weeks I had gone? Geez minna, I'm sorry! I feel horrible, but I have some good news! I'm over my writers block. Don't ask me how, but while watching X-Files on the 9th, I finally got some ideas on how to handle this. (Geez, the things that show does for me.....) Anyway, although it may seem close to over, don't worry. I've got a few more plot ideas to weave in. This was just a small part of the climax and resolution. Don't worry, I've got 2 or three more chapters in me. As always, keep sending me your e-mails, I sincerely live off them, and since it's been so long since I released a chapter, I've gotten awfully lonely. :( Ja matta ne! - Sailor Europa - sailoreuropa@geocities.com http://www/geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/5870/michelle.html Michelle Merriman