Title: Life Without You: Chapter Four
Author: Sailor Europa
Rating: PG

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Well, it hasn't even been 24 hours since I finished the third chapter, but
I'm already hard at work on the fourth one! I am SOOO in love with this
story, minna! *L* Not overly modest, am I? I rarely ever get into a story
enough to actually finish it, but a lot of people have shown a great
interest in it. I'm EXTREMELY happy with it, since this is the first
romantic series I've published, and I'm happy that it is getting such a
great response! Hope you all continue to enjoy it! OK, I've said it many a
time before and I'm gonna continue to say it: DON'T FLAME ME OVER SERENA AND
JARED! Please, please, PLEASE wait a few chapters, and see what happens. I
promise you, it'll be worth it! OK, you know the drill, I, unfortunately do
not own SM, just several shares of Dic (that was a joke for all who missed
it...), so don't sue me, K? I'm just a poor high school junior, and all
you'd get is a couple of SM CD's. E-mail me with comments! - Sailor Europa
(sailoreuropa@geocities.com)

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Life Without You - Chapter Four
By Sailor Europa

        I don't know when exactly what time I fell asleep that night. I
didn't get
in until 10, but I was awake way past 3 in the morning. My mind was racing,
about Jared, Mina, Darien, Susan the harpy. I don't even know why. Well,
that's not true. I accidentally stumbled onto an old picture of me and
Darien, and once again, the flood gates were opened. It's so weird, how one
minute, I'm perfectly fine with how my life has turned out, and the next, I
cry and weep over all I'd lost in the past four years. Not just Darien, but
my life. When he left, he took with him most of me. It was like he stole my
will to live. Nothing made sense to me, and I still wonder if it ever will
again. Until I met Jared, I didn't want to do anything new. I was content in
mourning all I had lost. And yet, I still wanted to just get on with my
life. I was being constantly torn in two directions, and when one would get
the upper hand, the other would knock it right back down.
        It was like one side was trying to win out over the other one.
Darien came
back, and I can remember wishing I was back to being 15, and knowing exactly
where I was going. With him. And then, but a few days later, Jared enters,
and I only want to start my life anew. They both seemed to symbolize
different directions, and I was clueless as to which way I should go. You
always see on those corny sitcoms, how the beautiful young girl gets her
heart broken, and swears she'll never fins love again, when low and behold,
Mr. Right enters, making up for all her past mistakes. Then, of course, the
OLD Mr. Right comes back, and the girl is thrown into confusion. But, who
does she always pick? She inevitably decides to get on with her _new_ life,
and leaves the old one in the lurch. I laugh at that, knowing life doesn't
always imitate art. I can only wish it was that simple, but knowing it's
not. I know Darien hurt me, almost beyond repair, but still, we have a
millennia of history behind us, and next to that, four years of pain seems
minuscule. I can't say that I'm so proud and independent, that should he
want to explain or start over, I would flat out tell him no, and yet, I'm
not so agile that I could just forget all that happened. Like I said, I am
two different people, and I wasn't sure which one was right.
        I thought about all this, lying in the dark, my brain scrambling at
a
simple answer. The one that would make it all right again, without having to
hurt anyone, or myself. And yet, the answer never came. I tossed and turned
endlessly, not knowing what to do. I had loved being with Jared that
evening, and I did know that I wanted to see him again. But what about all
these doubts about Darien? Is it fair to Jared? Was it fair to _me_ ? I
didn't even know how Darien still felt, for God's sake! But could I bear
talking to him? What if he told me something I didn't want to hear? Damn it,
I was going out of my mind! This was going to drive me to an asylum! I sat
up in bed and sighed. I was getting no where. I resolved to stop thinking
about it all. Tomorrow was another day, after all. It would do me no good to
lose sleep over it. Too bad it was too late for that though.

***********

        "Hello?" I asked into the receiver.
        "Hey Serena! Did you have fun last night?" Mina asked, rather
annoyed. I
contorted my face into that of confusion, wondering how Mina could have
known. She obviously was pissed I lied, although how she found out was
anybody's guess.
        "Actually, yes." I replied, my amusement showing through my voice.
"How'd
you find out?"
        "I was driving by, and saw you walking out of the restaurant with
him." She
almost snapped out. I was going to pay dearly for this. "You were too
involved in yourself to notice."
        "Mina, I'm sorry, really I am. I hated lying to you, I really did.
But
after that stunt you pulled, I didn't want to risk the destruction of
another date." I said, hoping she believed me.
        "My God Serena, do you really think I'm that horrible?" She asked,
hurt. I
sighed.
        "Of course not, Mina. In your own way, I know you're heart is in the
right
place. I just....needed some time on my own." I said sympathetically. I
forget how sensitive she is. "I promise not to do it again, as long as you
will promise you won't do _that_ again."
        "OK." She sighed in resignation, and paused for a few moments.
"Sooo, did
you have a good time?" She asked, all her pain and dejection forgotten. I
laughed.
        "A very good time, actually." I said. She squealed, and I laughed
even harder.
        "I want to hear every detail!" She squealed again, and I could see
her
practically drooling in suspense.
        "Hey, I'm _not_ one to kiss and tell, OK?" I said, in mock disdain.
I heard
her pause, thinking about that.
        "Well, fine, but...." She stopped, mid- interrogation. "What do you
mean
kiss?" I paused for effect and she almost shattered my ear-drums a second
later with and ear piercing scream.
        "Serena! You mean? He-? Ooooh!" I rolled my eyes, laughing almost
hysterically at that point. She was going out of her mind, and I knew it.
"Wow! Already? On your second date?"
        "Well, this is the nineties!" I said, smirking at the irony. I
didn't
understand how she could act so appalled, when I knew for a fact that a lil'
kiss was the _least_ of what she did on her first dates.
        "Was it good?" She had _no_ scruples.
        "Mina!" I yelled. She giggled girlishly.
        "Come on, no ones gonna find out! Just you, me and the entire
television
audience at KNXV." She laughed.
        "Yeah, right." I replied. I smiled to myself, thinking how this
seemed to
mirror my life 7 years ago. This could have actually been a conversation
we'd had when we were in junior high. Maybe with me tripping over a few
things in the meantime.
        "Serena?" She asked seriously after a moment.
        "Yeah?"
        "I really am sorry for that whole date thing."
        "I know Mina. It's OK."
        "You know, it's just so hard for me to see you and Darien.......
_not_
together, you know? It doesn't seem.....right."
        "Mina, I can promise you, it was a lot harder for me to get used to
that."
I sighed, debating on whether I should add "And I wonder if I even am now"
to that sentence. I don't know why, but I did, even though I was getting
serious warning signals from my subconscious. I got a disturbing pause from
her end, and I involuntarily began to fidget.
        "You need to talk to him." I tried to laugh, but I couldn't manage.
        "I can't." I said weakly.
        "Why not? You're obviously in pain over this, Serena. Maybe it's
time you
resolved this." She said. "One way or another."
        "It's not that easy." I sighed, putting my head in my hands. "I
can't just
put aside four years of hurt and frustration, and just _talk_ to him. It's
not that easy. It never is."
        "You're making it a lot harder than it has to be." She stated. "What
do you
think he's gonna do? Yell at you? Laugh at you?" She paused. "Do you think
you're the only one who's hurting over this?"
        "Of course I am! He LEFT me, Mina! No good bye, no note, no letter
from the
hotel, NOTHING!" I said, my voice growing angry. "If he had felt any kind of
pain from that, he never would have done it! I don't know his reasons, but
nothing could have made him leave if he really loved me!" Mina gasped. I
stopped. I had said it. The thing that had been lingering in the back of my
mind had finally come out. I didn't want to think about it, I didn't even
want to know it existed. But it did, and now it was public material.
        There was a long, agonizing silence that followed, and I wondered
what Mina
must be thinking. I wondered whether she had been thinking the same thing,
all alone, thinking I didn't already know. I didn't. Until now.
        "Is that what you think Serena?" She asked quietly. I was dumb
struck.
        "Of course it is! How can you just get up and leave someone you
love? How?
It doesn't happen, Mina. It doesn't." Once again, fresh, warm tears billowed
from my eyes, and I felt them slip from the confines of my face, onto the
cool surface of the counter. I sniffled miserably, and Mina sighed over the
line.
        "Oh Serena." She moaned. "You really think he didn't love you?" She
asked
again, her voice racked with pain. "There are other things that can make a
person leave." She said, the added, "Love doesn't always conquer all."
        "It does if you believe in it." I said firmly. I didn't even believe
that,
though.
        "You have to want it to, first." She said. For some reason, that
really
hurt. The thought that Darien didn't want that. That he didn't want my love
to help him.
        "I'm sorry." I whimpered.
        "For what?"
        "For dumping this on you!" I laughed, in spite of the seriousness of
the
conversation. "To tell you the truth, I'm surprised I kept it in this long!"
        "You mean you were in this much pain, and you never told me?" She
seemed a
little hurt at this, and I immediately felt guilty.
        "How could I? Everyone thought I was fine after a few months. How
could I
let anyone know what I really thought?"
        "You could have saved yourself a lot of pain and sorrow by telling
me." I
sighed.
        "I kind of like my sorrow." I laughed. "It was the only thing I had
left of
him." I knew that struck a cord. She stayed quiet for a moment, and I
thought I heard a small sob come from her end, but I couldn't be sure.
        "It doesn't have to be like this, Serena." She said quietly. I
laughed,
long and hard.
        "Yes it does." I said simply. She sighed in resignation. I couldn't
talk to
him. Not now, maybe not ever. There was no way I could look into his eyes,
and not be totally transparent. He would see through me, like he always
could. He would see all the pain and struggling of the past four years, all
the unshed tears as they would pool up in my eyes. His heart would ache, and
he would look at me, racked with.....pity. I shut my eyes tightly, my heart
throbbing in agony as I thought of him pitying me. That was something I
wouldn't accept. Contempt, loathing, hatred, anything but that. I couldn't
live, knowing he felt sorry for me. Sorry I never had the luxury of getting
on with my life. Never living for myself, instead of my past. I never would.
Not if my life depended on it.

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Short chapter, ne? I know, but this one is also released with three, so I
figured it didn't have to be long. Not too much action, and doesn't even
span a whole day, but you can expect the next chapter to be REALLY long.
That one will (hopefully) be out next week. It will be the biggie, so expect
a few surprises. Well, if you're smart, they won't be surprises. :) Hope you
enjoyed this one. It was more of a "look inside the mind of Serena" type of
deal. It was more of an insight, rather than eventful. I tried to make Mina
a little less "bimbo- esque", to the request of a few individuals. Don't
expect it to last though! See ya' next week, minna! Ja! - Sailor Europa

SMJ: www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats
Time Honored: www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/9347
SMJ: TNE: www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/5870
Michelle's Psycho Page: www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/5870/michelle.html

e-mail - sailoreuropa@geocities.com
Michelle Merriman