Nataliya and Seth's Orlando Adventure - by Seth Meyer

November, 2003


One hapless day I heard Bandit fussing with something in the bathroom. Low and behold it was a baby alligator that was swimming in the toilet! And it couldn't have happened at a worse time, it was during our annual townhouse mixer we were hosting (no unfriendly neighbors invited - but I did invite glo-boy!!!).

I wonder if I can train it to climb up somebody else's toilet

I didn't know what to do, and neither did Nataliya, so like Spiderman I climbed the Empire state building and put on my thinking cap with Bruce.

Seth: think brain think Brain: I can't you're squishing me Seth: Sorry your squishiness!

As usual, I couldn't concentrate on the problem at hand, after all that Chivas, and for some strange reason my thoughts strayed back to my bachelor party and those two husky German honeys with leather thongs, and,

You frauleins can call me Sir Mixalot!

oh jeez, well, let me get back to the story!

Nataliya came up with the idea of driving to Florida to return the critter to his natural habitat. Unfortunately, my car had been impounded recently.

Sweet ride ain't it? Stupid cops better not scratch the paint. Wait a minute... it's stainless steel, d'oh!

and Nataliya's car is just way too small for those big trips:

Nataliya, how could you say my pits stink!? <sniff> <sniff> Christ you're right!!!

So we did what any enterprising married couple would do, hop on a NASA plane bound for Florida! Nataliya, clever as ever, found a way into the NASA's secret New Jersey base.

Just as officials were catching up with us, we ducked into a, well, duct!

Seth, please, no dirty jokes about the entranceway... You're dirty mind is killing the story!

The trip down was fun! But somehow when we went weightless Nataliya turned into Madonna!

Seth, for the last time, I'm not a material girl!!!

And we arrived at the Kennedy Space Center!

Nobody here has heard of Major Nelson... LOSERS!

PENNY-LESS!!!

If I pull really hard, I can give myself a wedgie!

I tried to steal this sign for a few bucks, but thought better of it, since we would be returning here with the alligator to release him into the wild.

Stupid no eating sign make HOMER MAD!

I tried to become a clown for the Circus, to make a few bucks.

I don't need to pull my pockets to get a wedgie now!

But I got run out of town by a transvestite with a train set!

I'm fruity AND scary! Keep in mind my caboose is not always off limits!

We tried to dump the alligator off at the local Chinese restaurant, but they only wanted cats.

Tastes like chicken!

And without a plan, my mind started to wander back to my bachelor party from years ago. Ah, those tiny asian women with those big gas bombs...

Okay, who had the bean burrito for lunch? You're killing the back stage grips!!!

Thank goodness the baby alligator pee'd all over my shirt. It snapped me out of my bachelor party flashback!

Now I can swim with the gators in stealth mode!

Back to the problem at hand. What to do about the alligator? As we rounded one of the Small World bends, I noticed a tiny Mexican. That's it! Mexicans, water, small world: the EVERGLADES! Oh wait, that was the original plan! Stupid distracting flashbacks!

When I turn 30 I will have to take a job as a soccer ball! Muchos Gracias! Vuelve!

We boarded a air boat, with Gary Nygaard as our captain (back right with headphones), and released the critter into his natural environment! The little guy was finally saved!

As soon as we left, the little guy got eaten by a manatee! Tal es la vida!

You can start humming It's A Small World anytime now!
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