| these are form the book 'napalm and silly putty' by george carlin. stop the anarchy and buy the book. you won't regret it. |
| -Amusement parks should have a ride where people are persued by the cops at high speeds and when they�re caught, beaten and tortured. -Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like everyone beings to say to themselves at the same time, �Well, okay, that�s enough of that.� -Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, to sing my song and best of all, occasionally peck someone�s eye out. -I never see any black twins, what�s the deal here? -One of my favorite things to do at a party is smoke a lot of PCP and start taking people�s rectal temperatures without permission. -You know an odd feeling? Sitting on a toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. -There is now a Starbucks in my pants. -You ever open a dictionary right to the page you want? Doesn�t that feel good? -I notice that unlike other holidays, police don�t seem to make a big deal of drunk driving on Good Friday. - Suppose you took an oath by placing your right hand on the bible and raising your left? Would the oath still count? Does God really give a shit? Does anyone? -When you think about it, 12:15 PM is really 11:75 AM. -You know what we need? Black Jell-o. -I was thinking the other day that they outta make those handicapped ramps a little steeper, and put a few curves on them. I could use some laughs. -Next guy who says �Badda-Bing-Badda-Boom� is getting kicked right in the fuckin� nuts. -I often used to think about something my grandfather used to say to me. He�d tell me �I�m going upstairs to fuck your grandma.� He was a really honest man. He wasn�t going to bullshit a five-year- old. -They ought to have black confetti. It'd be great for funerals. -You rarely see an elderly midget. Apparently, their life spans are short too. -Although it�s untrue that rubbing a toad will give you warts, it does give the toad a hard on. -I pray each night that on a single afternoon, several major news events will break within a few hours of each other. I�d love to see two 747s crash into each other over Time Square, the president and the vice president get assassinated, Iran and Israel having a nuclear war exchange, the Dow Jones dropping 8,000 points and a 13.7 earthquake happening in California. It�d be fun watching the news channels trying to cope with it all. You know what�d be really funny? Reading the newspapers for the following weeks. -A crumb is a great thing. If you break a crumb in half, you don�t get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn�t that violate some law of physics? -I figured out how to commit the perfect double murder. You pick up one guy by his ankles and beat the other person to death with him. They both die and there�s no murder weapon. -As you swim the river of life, do the breast stroke. It helps clear the turds from our path. |
| short takes |