sometimes i hate myself. the way life is going absolutely nowhere. the fact that i can't make myself mind enough to change that. maybe things are only tolerable when we're lieing to ourselves... maybe pain is the only reality, when we finally discard all the lies... or maybe it's just me who can't deal with anything.. but for me taking away the pretence there is nothing left, nothing real... masks & lies & layers and layers of fake... stripped of it i'm no one. nothing... i wish this would all go away, finally... i wish i had the courage to cut deep enough. i don't want this, this life, this darkness, the decisions forcing themselves upon me...
even in the best moments i'm always walking at the edge of the abyss, sometimes a little farther away, but never wholly out of sight, the darkness is there waiting, and at least it's real, at least it's embrace is familiar. things aren't getting better, i'm just getting used to them, buildig up the protective walls of illusions again, the illusion that future is a possibility... it's not a life i'm regaining, it's barely an existence, and it's fake... strip that down again. nothing remains.
sometimes i wish for someone to touch me. hold me. talk to me. someone i'd be special to. maybe another person could bind me to this life. or maybe that�s just another lie... i'm closing myself emotionally... though i don't think i'm doing this on purpose, i'm doing it... i'm not letting anyone close to me anymore... right now there simply is no one in my life i would really mind if they left, those who mattered did & i'm not letting anyone matter anymore. not conciously. but it's there. don't come near me. i'll only hurt you anyway. |
