God dammit I suck.
    Every fucking Friday I do this, and the last two times it's cost me a great deal. Every Friday I get so fed up with everything that life just fucking sucks, and I end up completely miserable, some innocent person asks why I'm so down, and I proceed to go off about their contributions to the cause. Almost every week it's been Lindsay, and every week she's strong enough to realize that it has nothing to do with her, and keep on loving me. However...
    Last week I was at the beach with Edith, and was having a good time, when suddenly I felt like shit, and didn't want to be around her anymore because I felt she was the cause. I got my shit together, walked up to where she was now sitting up, and just before I said I was leaving, I couldn't get the words out. I enjoyed her company so much I couldn't do it... so we started walking in the general direction of home, and she did something very minor (I don't recall what) and I just fucking flipped out about how she always does shit to me, and how she treats me like shit and ignored me for most of the afternoon. She recanted with something about how she wasn't ignoring me but was being quiet, which is something she can't do often. I instantly knew I had been a complete ass, and apologized, to this day I haven't a clue if she accepts this. I spent the rest of the night walking as close to her as I dared, apologizing and talking about how I'd fucked up, and how I now remember why I never stand up for myself, because the people I care about get hurt. Yes, I realize I was an asshole, and apologized for it, however she ignored it and wrote something nice about it in her diary, feel free to look.
    So I go through the rest of the week without internet access... and it's rough, but I get by...
    Then tonight, I do it again.
    I was talking to Becky, and feeling like shit. I made a couple of remarks that were intended to let her know she was part of the cause, and she asked me to let out all my anger about it. I did. I stated why I felt like shit because of her, my feelings about her getting back together with me to "see if there was any feeling there" so she asked if I felt better... and I lied. I did feel better, and I said I didn't... she said there must be more, so I let fly with something that I shouldn't have said, that I felt the whole time we were "together" she used me, cause I made her feel good. She never really cared about me... at which point she exploded (rightfully so) and said goodbye... intending it to be forever...
    Which leaves me sitting here... the girl I love hating me, because I'm a complete jerk... I finally proved myself right, that all guys are assholes. I can't believe that I too subscribe to that theory, I can't fathom why I would have done that to either of them. I don't know why, that even though I try so hard to help, that I always end up hurting people that I care so much about, and why? Because I'm selfish, that's why. I want them to realize what I feel, to feel the pain they give me, and when I do, I feel the pain I gave them, and end up feeling twice as bad as they do. For what it's worth...
    Edith I'm sorry...
    Becky... I'm sorry... I'm sorry I drove you away... I never deserved you... Thank you for the few memories I have left of us... you're still a very large part of my heart.