Alright, I probably owe a lot of people a lot of explainations about how I've felt lately... Sorry about the font, but I'm too lazy to change it.
    As far as the last rant: I was very hurt, and in a lot of pain. I still am, nothing seems to be able to pull me out of the low that I hit that night, nothing. I need some show of love from one of the people I've given to, something to show me that they care, something completely uncalled for and random.
    Becky... the Becky thing... yea... she dumped me again... at first I was completely hurt by it... we talked about it... I felt better... but now I'm empty. I have nothing to keep me going anymore. Yea, there's the trip to NY... but that's been Lin and Marc and Kim's thing for a while now. I mean I want to see Lin a lot, but I don't like the circumstances. I guess I feel like my meeting her will be cheapened because Marc will be there, and completely take away the thrill of her finally meeting me. Yea... I'm jealous. I have been for a while. I admit that. These two "kids" have something I would kill for, and they don't even realize it... They have something I've always wanted, and I hope they don'tdo what I did when I had it. They've gone a lot longer than I have, and I like to think that I had something to do with that... there were several times when each of them were questioning everything, and I did my best to alleviate their fears. Yea, it's kinda egotistical to think like that, but this is MY damned site...
    Back to Becky... she took a lot from me, I went so far as to do something I vowed never to do... for the second time in my life I did something I vowed never to do, and I did it again for a girl, with eventually the same result. This time around instead of drinking for the first time in my life, I refered to her as my "angel" which was something I vowed to NEVER do. Because like "love" it was a word that was overused in an effort to garner the affections of a girl. But I did it anyway, because after I told her my feeling on saying it, she said that since I really did care it shouldn't matter... So I did it, I did something I vowed to never do, and I learned two days later that I didn't mean anything to her really... she'd taken me back because of pity for the most part... which is an odd thing for her to say, since the night we "got back together" I never actually asked her to take me back... If I recall correctly I had said something about how I'd felt lately, like that no girl would ever truly care for me the way I wanted her to... and she said something to the effect of "What if a girl knew that she made the wrong choice, and wanted to change it?" I flipped a coin... and was so scared of the result I didn't dare look. Lin had been depressed and left to talk to Marc, so I was left alone, with no one to help guide me... and I refused to look at the coin which would decide my fate... I eventually decided "Fuck it. I love her" It's too  bad that she didn't feel the same way...
    A week later while dual PC'ing at Sean's house, a good surprise came around. Notin, of previous "Rant" fame (always in a positive light) decided to message me, because she was either upset with everyone else or just felt the need to let me be part of her life again. I can honestly say that nothing did more to make me happy that week than that. It was the perfect end to a great day spent with Kim and Sean. Notin was back in my life, the girl I was completely nuts over in September, and who I had made a horrible mistake with, by going after Heidi who was at best, half intrested in me. I'm glad that whatever wounds there were have healed, because I missed having her as a friend... she did a lot to change who I was, and I am glad that she did.
    I realized this morning why all of my relationships, romantic and otherwise, fall apart... it comes down to how I feel it should all be 50/50... so I make a critical mistake... I give everything I have and more. I expect them to do the same, and they never do. Be it because they can't, be it because they just never get the chance, or be it that they just don't care. It doesn't happen. I try as hard as I can to make sure that special circumstances allow for me to not be hurt by it... like Kim, Kim just doesn't have time with her schedule to throw time away so that I can feel better. So I don't sweat it...
    That brings me to another point... self mutilation. When Notin originally told me about her doing it, I was appalled, I didn't understand it, but after a couple of hours thinking, I realized that she needed to do it, it was a part of her, I accepted it because "neenoobidy doo" That's all there was too it, right? Nope. Turns out a lot of the people I cared about practiced it at one point or another... for the life of me I couldn't fathom it... I couldn't understand it... I just didn't get it... until one day...
    I was having a nasty week... I thought things couldn't get worse... I was wrong. One of my friends was having a nastier week. To the point where she berated me. I knew something more was wrong, but I still felt that I needed to suffer for what I'd done to her. So I took out my nice little sharp object, and now have a light scar of a cross on my left forearm. I know that some people noticed it before it healed... However for the most part it blends with the scar I have from work, so it's cool. But I finally get it... it can either come down to the need to suffer for what you've done to others (my "martyr fetish") or it can come down to, as Notin said, making the outside uglier than the inside to keep the balance. So I think that's it for now... I'm depressed, make me feel better NOW! (a back rub from one of my female friends would REEK OF AWESOMENESS!)