Why is it every time that I start feeling so damned low, no one else is around? What fate has god given me to be the person who so many rely on to help them when they're low, only to have no one when he reaches his own depths? It just amazes me. My weeks are constant downward spirals, with Friday being the lowest. Sure enough, every Friday everyone has someplace else they'd rather be, or someone else they'd rather be with. Alas, Fred has nothing and no one, so he sits here alone, and on days like today, sick.
    I mean I don't want to take away the happiness of the others. I wouldn't want that. I just want everyone who has ever given me a "I'm doing this with XXXX" or "I can't, I've got to XXXX" or "Sorry, I was just trying to find XXXX and I have to go now" to understand that it sucks, cause I get my hopes up that here is the person who will take my mind off my worries, and then they're gone.
    I mean my mind has really been messed up since Wednesday. I almost didn't make it to work yesterday, and the sharp stabbing pain in my abdomen kept me from going today. Tuesday night nothing I seemed to say went the right way with Becky, and she ended up completely misunderstanding me. I finally got to talk to her again last night, and it was a much different conversation. I feel all of my old emotions flooding back to me and I really don't think I can deal with that again. I'm not sure, but I might have to just flat out say goodbye. Every time I think I'm over her, and try to see if I can move on, something happens, and I'm pulled right back in. I don't know if it means something, or if I'm just too damned desperate to be loved. However since she doesn't feel like I do anymore, I need to try to move on, and I'm afraid the only way to do it is to walk away, and never turn back. That's something I never wanted to do... and I still don't, but I don't know any other way... help...
    I'll try to add more when I feel better. I don't know when that will be.

    More: I'm sick of being here. I'm sick of Maine. I want to fucking get the hell out of this house. My father sucks, he only bitches at me about my job, or how I should be doing this, or I should do that, that I should not do this thing that he does all the fucking time. I'm sick of this house and I want out. My dad hands me ads for apartments that are where I want to live but are $600 a month, I don't even MAKE $600 a month, and they're one bedroom and there is NO human being I could live with like that. Well actually there are like 3, but they all live at LEAST 400 miles away, and only... NONE of them would be intrested. Oh fucking well. There was this really nice apartment Kathy found a couple weeks ago. 2 bedroom! Less than $600 a month! Could I have it? NO! Why? Because I FUCKING SUCK! I have ONE friend who is out of High School right now and he's broker than I am! So I'm FUCKING STUCK HERE! I want a vacation, can I afford it? NO! I want to visit Lin in July, will I be able to afford it? NO! WILL MARC GET OFF HIS FUCKING ASS AND DO HIS PART SINCE I'M THE ONE WHO IS GOING TO HAVE TO GET A CAR AND SHIT????? NO! OF FUCKING COURSE NOT! IT'S BEEN 3 MONTHS AND HE HAS THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY AS WHEN HE STARTED WHICH ISN'T ENOUGH! I'm sick of being FRED! Why the fuck did God give me the fate of being the guy that no girl in a 30 mile radius will date? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? I WANT OUT OF THIS STATE BECAUSE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO WILL EVER DATE ME DON'T FUCKING LIVE HERE AND NO MATTER HOW GOOD I AM OR HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM NO ONE HERE WILL EVER FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT ME! But I can't leave because I PROMISED I wouldn't. I have to stop doing that, I have to stop making promises that I get hurt so badly by keeping. For the first time in a long time I'm feeling like life ain't worth it anymore. Those of you who know me know I won't do anything, but keep me in your hearts and minds, because I can't fucking deal with feeling like I do anymore.