04/03/2001
The spiral
has returned...
The
spiral begins a new... this time I suppose I have none to blame but myself.
I've fucked up royally as of late. The only good thing that has happened
all week was the two hours I spent on the phone with Lindsay.
Let's
start at the beginning...
How
can I put this... "fathers lock up your daughters..." or some such nonsense
about how "Fred is on the loose" That's right, Fred's single again. Whoo.
Yea, I'm real happy about that. (sarcasm) I came home Monday morning and
had something from my girl Becky in my mailbox, saying she was sorry for
not bothering to contact me all week, and that she was trying to teach
me something. This sisn't make me feel too good, and I had to think hard
about what I said in response, so I wrote what I felt was a vaild reply,
without resorting to direct attacks or anything like that, I went out,
I had an alright time hanging out with my friends, and when I came back,
I had a new message in my mail box. This one informing me that it was over
between us. I sent a reply saying that I accepted it, and it was ok, and
it kinda is. It hurts like hell but I know that'll go away. I went downstairs
and slept for a while. I came back up got online, and there she was...
I couldn't think of anything to say to her, so I started talking to Lindsay.
Eventually Becky started talking to me, and I tried my hardest to tell
her that I understood why she did it, and I accepted it, as much as I didn't
want it to happen I'm glad that she did what she felt was right. I mean
it hurts like hell every time I think about it, I just kept flashing back
to every girl who I've never had. Every person I've never had a chance
with, all the girls that I will never have a chance with, and I
keep thinking I'm going to be miserable and alone for a long long time.
Lindsay tried her best to help me last night, even going so far as to have
me call her at almost 11:00 at night. The kicker is, right now half of
my friends don't even know that it happened...
So
today, I get online, and go watch Monty Python. I come back, and Lindsay
left me a series of messages, and surprise surprise Kim is online. So I'm
talking to Kim for a while, I avoid bringing up the loss of Becky, and
we get into a discussion about weight and societies treatment of girls
at this time of year, I try to convey that Kim is beautiful, and I love
her, and everything about her, but I completely forgot that when you're
in that state of mind no amount of hearing things from other people is
going to make you feel better about yourself... I made a couple of smartass
comments, and I'm truly sorry for them. I don't know what I can do to make
it up to her, but whatever it is I will gladly do it. Thank god she just
called me to apologize for what she considered being rude, I didn't think
of it like that, I figured she had a bad day or something, so I just passed
it off. If there's one person I don't want mad at me right now, it's her.
I love ya Kim, I wish I could spend a lot more time with you. Here's your
update...
Please:
Sign the guestbook