03/15/2001
I realized
something this morning. That I again am making the same mistake I have
always made. In falling in love with a beautiful, wonderful person, who
I care more about today than I did yesterday, or the day before, I've been
repeating the same mistake I always made in the past. I haven't been able
to convey to her what the hell is going through my head.
It's
happened with me for as long as I can remember. Whenever I become completely
enamoured with someone I just can't get the words out when they're around.
Edith can attest to the fact that I even find it difficult to look people
in the eye. My entire life I've tried to avoid conflict, and because of
that I'm always afraid of how what I say will be taken. I'm always nervous
as all hell that I'm going to say the wrong thing, and I'm going to lose
everything I have. I don't want to lose Becky, especially not because of
this. People, I need to ask your help, I need help freeing my mind so that
I can get past all of these mental blockades. I just want to be able to
talk to my love about everything that goes through my head, and I know
that there is something I can tell her floating around in there right now,
I just have to get it to come out and play.
I
guess I just have to realize that there is never a "perfect" moment. I
waited around for one all summer, and it never happened, I waited around
for it for 3 days in September, it never happened. I'm going to stop waiting
around for them now. Fuck it, I'm doing this.
Comments?