03/13/2001
A lot
of people are probably wondering what the hell I was thinking when I added
that thing about losing me. I don't
know why I wrote it. I guess I've just been really insecure lately. Like
something is coming up on the horizon, and it has nothing to do with Edith's
little love note in the guestbook.
What
am I supposed to do eh? I haven't a clue. There are so many factors contributing
to my unhappiness right now that I don't think I could list them all, I
think I can list the major ones though.
First,
there's the monotony. Every fucking week it's the same shit. I just want
something different, a fucking vacation, something. I'm sick of this bullshit.
Every frigging day it's the same damned thing. I hate my job, I hate my
house, I hate my life, the only things keeping me going are my friends,
and I never get to see them.
I
want Becky, I want her a lot. I dream about her all the time, and I want
to be with her. I want to go visit her a lot, but she doesn't want me to
yet, maybe I'm just afraid of history repeating. I'd really like her to
come up and surprise me some time, that would really make life worth living
again. I just don't want to be stuck her without her forever.
It
seems like I take everything more serious than other people. Maybe it's
something that comes with maturity, maybe it's a neurosis. I don't know.
It seems like for the most part I value honesty more than most people.
I guess I just always wanted to know everything as a kid, and that kind
of carried over. I don't like secrets, I really don't like things happening
behind my back, and I really hate people not being up front with me when
they do something that they probably shouldn't. If someone I care about
does something that they know I'd be upset with, I'd rather them tell me
about it immediatly then try to wait a while. I guess I'm trying to say
if you do something stupid I'd rather hear about it right away so that
I can figure out how I'm going to deal with it much faster than waiting
a couple of weeks. That or I've completely lost my mind.
Thanks
go out to Lindsay, Kat, Shey-Shey, Sean, and Liz, who were around to help
me in the time that I started feeling like this to the point where I wrote
this. Thanks also go to Kim, who would have, she just didn't have the chance.
Also, thank you Becky for being everything I need, I just wish I was there
or you were here.
SIGN IT!