Alright. Don't know where I'm going to go with this, but those have tended to be what people have enjoyed the most when I wrote. Life sucks. Yes, I know, that's nothing new. However I should note that I can steadily feel myself slipping back to what I used to be 5 years ago. I don't want to have that happen. I don't want to be depressed ALL the time. I want to at least have some mediocre amount of self esteem. Every time I try to do something something else shows up to stop it. I'm sick of it.
    I plan on going to New York to visit Lindsay. I plan on doing it this summer, at the time I was planning on doing it on my vacation time from Sears, but looks like that won't happen since my work envorinment is steadily interfering with everything else I care about. Not only am I not full time (like I was promised) but I've actually had my hours CUT! How's that for justice? Remind me again why I try so hard? I worked my ass off for 4 months, and right when I lose it is when they start paying attention. Lovely. Now I don't even know if I'll have a job next week cause I'm going to fucking freak. More on why in a bit.
    Kim's gone "bye-bye" for a bit. I don't want to get into details but I really want to go see her. In fact, prior to her "leaving" me and Edith had plans to do something, and had an idea of including Kim. That was supposed to be tomorrow. So yesterday, while talking with Edith about the whole things, I suggested that we go visit Kim. She reponds by telling me she's planning on visiting Kim with someone else, simply put, she was ditching me. Yea, just what I need right now. Don't have enough stress. She suggests the possibility of Sunday, so I try to get it off, GUESS FUCKING WHAT? I guess the other 10 people that I work with DON'T DO SUNDAYS cause I have to. Just great. Now not only am I ready to fucking kill someone because of what happened to Kim, but I don't get to see her, and I don't get to see Edith... which was the one thing that kept me going all week.
    Sean was my favorite wrestler... he will be missed.
    I want to leave Maine but two things are keeping me from doing it. First everyone and their fucking mother doesn't want me to leave cause their lives will be sooooo much worse. Yea right. Secondly I refuse to leave until Kim is all better. I can't leave her now, she really needs me.
    Right now is by far the lowest I've felt spiritually and emotionally. I want someone to hold, but not just anyone. I want Becky. I can't have her though because she's where I want to go, but no one wants me to. I really don't know anymore. I want to be with her, and when I told that to Sean he just gave me shit. When I mentioned to Lindsay I was thinking of moving to be with Becky she flipped on me, and it's not like my relationship with Lindsay would change. I want to sleep and not wake up until 2002. That would be great.
    For once in my life I want to be happy for longer than 10 minutes. I want to get what I truly need instead of the superficial crap that I want. I want to give everything I can to that one person who loves me more than anyone else. I want out of Maine for a while. I can't live here anymore. There's so much that's caused me pain here lately, I just want out for a while. I don't want to end up one of those kids who starts thinking no one loves them and life sucks so why not end it? I don't want that. I want to find something to live for, but everytime I do someone takes it from me. If it wasn't for Becky, Lin, Sean, Kim and Liz I would have lost it a long long time ago.
    Special note: Fuck you Maegen.
    Alright well I think that just about does it. That's all I feel like writing. I don't know if I'll be online at all this weekend. My step mother mentioned something about needing both computers all weekend. Maybe I can make arrangements to take mad pictures this weekend, who knows. I just want to fucking do something. I want to go out and have a good time but nobody wants to/can. I'm gonna end up home all day tomorrow with pissed off parents. Somebody, ANYBODY who knows me and has a car. come pick me up tomorrow morning at nine so I don't have to deal with my parents.
    Damn... "I'm Alright" by Twiztid just came on... I don't want this to happen...