Series 1: The End

Official Synopsis

My Synopsis *Spoilers*

After their shift, Rimmer and Lister, who share a room, watch the funeral of George McIntyre. After watching his ashes expelled into space, Rimmer turns it off so that he can revise for his Officer's Exam, which consists of copying the entire textbox onto his body. Lister says that he doesn't want to rise up the ranks like Rimmer; his five-year plan is to buy a farm on Fiji and breed sheep, cows and horses. They are interrupted by Holly, the ship's computer, who invites the entire crew to George McIntyre's welcome-back reception.

George McIntyre is at the reception, as a hologram. His personality and looks are exactly the same, apart from the fact that he is composed entirely of light and cannot touch or taste anything. He also has the letter H on his forehead. Lister sits with his friends, Peterson, Selby and Chen, while Rimmer sits alone. After McIntyre's speech, Captain Hollister says that Holly has sensed a non-human lifeform on board, and they should all be careful until it is identified and found.

The next morning, Rimmer begins to panic when he realises that he can't remember anything for his exam. However, in front of Lister, he pretends that he knows everything and exits to start his exam. When he goes, Lister locks the door and opens an air vent and takes out a cat, who he calls Frankenstein. The cat is pregnant, and Lister is using all his milk rations to feed it. Apparantly he intends on bringing the cat with him to Fiji, and shows her a photo of the island.

Rimmer begins his exam and realises he can't answer any of the questions. Standing up, he salutes the invigilator and promptly faints on the floor. Meanwhile Lister has been summoned to the captain's office. On his way there, he pauses to talk to Kristine Kochanski, the navigational officer who he is obviously quite attracted to. In the captain's office, it appears that Lister took a picture of himself with Frankenstein and had it sent to the ship's lab to be processed. Captain Hollister demands that Lister either hands over the cat, who will be killed in the medical centre, or go into suspended animation for 18 months and forfeit his wages for that amount of time. Lister chooses to go into stasis for the rest of the journey back to earth, while Rimmer is carted off to the medical bay after fainting in his exam.

When Lister comes out of stasis, he is entirely alone. There is no sign of any of the crew, just little piles of white powder scattered here and there. Holly is the only one still there, and tells Lister that the crew were wiped out when Rimmer failed to seal the drive plate properly. They were poisoned by Cadmium 2 before Holly sealed the area, but it was 3 million years before the level of radiation became safe enough for Holly to released Lister from stasis.

However, to keep Lister from going insane with just Holly for company, Holly had brought back one of the ship's crew. Ironically, it turns out to be Rimmer, who promptly blames the entire accident on Lister; if he hadn't been put into stasis, Rimmer would have had someone to help him fix the drive plate. Meanwhile, a strange man in a pink suit climbs out of a duct and begins dancing around the ship, looking in his mirror every five seconds. This is The Cat, a being who evolved from Frankenstein. After initially scaring Rimmer and Lister, he turns out to be quite friendly, if a little demanding. Cat reveals that their whole race revolves around the idea that Cloister the Stupid (as opposed to Lister) will one day come out from being frozen in time, to lead them to the promised land of Fuchal (Fiji). Lister, delighted at the prospect of having created his own religion, tells Holly to plot a course for Earth and for Fiji.

Memorable Quotes

• Rimmer: [to Lister] Have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet?

• Rimmer: Lister, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an officer? ...Someone who didn't have the right parents?
• Lister: You didn't have the right parents? Whose parents did you have?

• Lister: I'm going to buy meself a little farm on Fiji. And I'm going to get a sheep and a cow, and breed horses.
• Rimmer: With a sheep and a cow?
• Lister: No, with horses and horses.

• Peterson: Have you read Rimmer's arm?
• Chen: No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!

• McIntyre: As you know, Holly's only capable of sustaining one hologram. So, my advice to anyone more vital to the mission than me is: if you die, I'll kill you.

• Hollister: Holly tells me that he's sensed a non-human life form aboard.
• Lister: Sir, it's Rimmer!

• Rimmer: Right. They're bound to ask the right thigh, which is 10 per cent. They must ask the left thigh, which is 20 per cent. They've got to ask one of the forearms. Which means I've passed already! Anything on the left shin's a bonus!

• Rimmer: Er, plus 20 per cent of the ship's course minus the Pythagoras theorem multiplied by two over the X axis minus one equals the total velocity of Red Dwarf, which means I know everything about astro-engineering. Good morning, Lister, for probably the last time.

• Lister: [to Kochanski] Do you know what he wants to see me for?
• Kochanski: Yes, I think you've been promoted to Admiral.
• Lister: Oh yeah?
• Kochanski: Yeah. For your diligence and general devotion to duty.
• Lister: Oh yeah?!

• Lister: Sir, just suppose I did have a cat. Just suppose. What would you do with Frankenstein?
• Hollister: I'd send it down to the medical centre, and I'd have it cut up and tests run on it.
• Lister: Would you put it back together when you'd finished?
• Hollister: Lister, the cat would be dead.
• Lister: So, with respect, sir, what's in it for the cat?

• Lister: Where is everybody, Hol?
• Holly: They're dead, Dave.
• Lister: Who is?
• Holly: Everybody, Dave.
• Lister: What, Captain Hollister?
• Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave.
• Lister: What, Todhunter?
• Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave.
• Lister: What, Selby?
• Holly: They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.
• Lister: Petersen isn't, is he?
• Holly: Everybody is dead, Dave.
• Lister: Not Chen?
• Holly: Gordon Bennett! Yes! Chen, everybody. Everybody's dead, Dave.
• Lister: Rimmer?
• Holly: He's dead, Dave. Everybody's dead. Everybody is dead, Dave!
• Lister: Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
• Holly: I wish I'd never let him out in the first place.

• Rimmer: I still have the same drives, the same feelings, the same emotions, but I can't touch anything. Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek, cradle a laughing child, or interfere with a woman sexually.
• Lister: Rimmer, you never used to do any of those things anyway!
• Rimmer: But I would have done one day, murderer!

• Cat: How am I looking? Looking nice. No, wait a minute. I'm looking better than nice. I'm looking dangerous. Aaaoooww, dangerous! Aaaooowww! Hey, what's that? Oh, it's my shadow. Hey, even my shadow's looking nice! I'm looking nice, my shadow's looking nice - what a team! We are unbelievable!

• Cat: Frankenstein, yeah! I remember that stuff from kitty school. The Holy Mother, saved by Cloister the Stupid, who was frozen in time, and who gaveth of his life that we might live.
• Lister: No! No, it's not Cloister, it's me, it's Lister! It's Lister the ... stupid?!
• Cat: Who shall returneth to lead us to Fushal, the Promised Land.
• Lister: No, it's not Fushal, it's Fiji! And I will! I'll lead you there.

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