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AlCon 3: This Time It's Personal.

An Eyewitness Account

After several weeks of mind-numbing anticipation and extreme nervousness, I finally went on my way to AlCon 3: This Time It�s Personal. And it POLKAD.

First of all, the drive was pretty Al-some. We listened to Al all the way (RWS, BHD, Alapalooza, OTDE, In 3D, and Polka Party!) and we FINALLY made it all the way to the world famous Elk Grove Village Holiday Inn. The sign outside read �Welcome AlCon II_�� Well, at least they didn�t call it Calgon.
Anyway, while Mom and Dad went inside to get our room keys, Ambri and I hung out in the car and spotted Al fans. �There�s one�is that one?�YES! Hawaiian shirt! Al fan! This is SO COOL!� We actually saw Jenny (PB) but we didn�t recognize her cuz, well, we hadn�t ever seen her before. Ya dig?
After Mom and Dad got the keys, we drove around to the back of the hotel. All the way we were staring at the cars: �Weird Al Rules!� License plates: �AlYank27�. And of course, we parked right behind the mother of all decorated cars: Fred�s van. It was so cool! She�s a really good artist.
We dragged all our stuff upstairs, picked out our bed, got our tickets and booked it downstairs to meet up with the Stupids in the lobby. After running into Becca in the hallway (Megan! Um�Becca! BIG HUG!) we hung out with the Stupids for a while. Then I went and found Amanda (who kindly informed me that I didn�t have to have my auction stuff until Saturday) and stood in line, waiting for the check-in line to open.
Finally, oh finally, the doors opened and we flooded in like a horde of�um�rabid Al fans that were eager for food and fun. The Stupids snagged a table at the back, and we all sat and talked (like we always do) until the dinner was served. Okay, technically the salad had already been served, but all of us were either too excited or too dumb to notice. When the waiters came around to collect our plates, we realized that the food was for eating, not for looking at, so we chowed down. (I ended up eating some chicken, a little salad and � of a roll. I was not hungry at all�I was WAY too excited.)
All good conventions ALWAYS run late. Such was the case of AlCon. After supper was over, Mike Toomey came on the stage and entertained us with a fine standup act, ending with his hit �S.S. Minnow�. He didn�t look like I thought he would�there again, who DID look like I thought they looked like? Other than Al and Bermuda, no one at all. ;)
After Mike, Matt Lash came onstage and sang a cute little ditty with the help of a young lady with cloth draped over her arms. He had the power to make things sound like their inner essence. When he hit the pile of trash by her feet (which I couldn�t see, but he said it was there, so I�m going with his word on this one) it turned out that the trash sounded exactly like Britney Spears. We all laughed. He then proceeded to play an array of Barbie and Kens which were under the drapery. �I�m a hunk!� �I�m easy!� �Like, whatever!� �As if!� It was great. The esteemed Mr. Lash exited the stage and Larry Weaver took over with a great assortment of silly songs, and the world premiere of his new music video �State Fair Woman�. There was also some odd footage of Larry wandering around in a cow suit singing to random people. It turns out Larry was the fellow responsible for the Unhappy Meal song, and the Ghost In The Trailer song and website, both of which made an appearance at AlCon.
Enter the technical difficulties. There was a slight problem with the feature presentation, so Matt leaped up on stage with Hank the dancing handkerchief. Hank would dance on his little blue circular stand, and then hide. So Matt enticed him with a pink handkerchief. (Let it be known that Matt and Hank were dancing to the music from Night At The Roxbury. Rock on.) Hank and the pink one started grooving to �Let�s Get It On� and suddenly there were three little baby handkerchiefs that Matt extracted from the blue thing. Matt looked shocked as he dragged them out from the blue thing and reprimanded Hank. It was pretty cool!
Matt was done. The movie wasn�t going to start for a little while yet�and Bermuda was right in the room�and not a lot of people were talking to him�so Ambri and I snuck up to him and stood there like deer in the headlights. Brian wandered up. �What�s the line for?�
�Turn around, Bob!� He slowly turned�looked around�saw Bermuda and did the best double take ever! It was hilarious. We finally got the courage to go up to him, and I asked him politely-�Bermuda�will you please sign my banana?� He gave me a curious look. The guy behind me said �Yeah, Bermuda, will you sign MY�never mind.� We laughed, and Bermuda signed my banana and handed it back to me. Oh so cool.
Finally, the movie. It was called �Meet the Parents�, and from all accounts, it was nothing like the recent film with Ben Stiller. For one thing, it was horrible. Funny, but horrible. You couldn�t help empathizing with Greg (the luckless fianc�) when everything conceivable, and then a bit more than that, went wrong. At the same time, the thought would be going through your head, �Is it over yet?� No offense to any of the writers, but my goodness. The end of Greg�s story was really, really bad.
Of course, the movie did have its good points. Like when Bermuda came and talked to the vendors who were right behind us. Normally, I wouldn�t eavesdrop�but when someone�s talking louder than a movie which you�re not watching closely, you can�t help but overhear. He had a really cool mug with him that had his name on it. (I did look back at him when Ambri nudged me and said �Bermuda�s over there!� ) Eventually, Bermuda moved on, and I went back to watching the movie.
The movie was over. Thank goodness. The lights went up, people started talking, and it was so bedtime. We did hang around and talk to all the Stupids that were still there, helped Catie and Jenny with the scavenger hunt, and JUST MISSED AL! He walked through the lobby at 12, and we had our backs turned. AAAAH! Anyway, we went back up to the room, crawled into bed, and thought about what tomorrow would bring�AL!

Saturday!

Saturday began with breakfast. I was in my silver suit, waiting for my french toast. A guy at a nearby table (who was sitting with Brian) took my picture. My mom was intrigued, but I figured that it was just some random guy who liked my outfit. (Little did I know!)
After breakfast, we went up to the room and grabbed my clay Als. I only made about fifteen, because I�m a slacker. ;) I didn�t get any pictures, but they looked a lot like the ones on the Index. Except they were all sitting�because that way I knew they�d be able to be sold, because they wouldn�t fall over in the oven. (It happened with one of the sitting ones�I was really upset. Those Als take a long time to make!)
Then we went and stood in line and waited for the check in table to open. As we stood there, a guy in a surgeon outfit came up behind us and waited. So there was a Pentiums and a Surgeon�and then who should stand at the end of the line? Jeremy! He was the other person dressed in a Pentiums suit�but he actually looked like Al! It was really cool.
Ambri and I eventually had to move so the hotel staff could get through with some carts. We had to go back and stand next to Jeremy. So, naturally, people started asking us to have pictures taken with them. Wow Mom, I�m a celebrity! ;) Then the man from breakfast came up and complimented our outfits and introduced himself.
Turns out he was Frank Sanchez. Ya know, Frank! From Al�s first album! I got a picture with him. He was really, really nice. He was wearing a black shirt with the Placebo album on it. WAY cool.
We were finally let into the con. I dropped my Als off at the table, looked around, and went in and snagged seats in the fourth row on the right. I was two seats away from the aisle. (This is important, I swear.) Slightly off schedule, Tony Goldmark appeared on the stage in a cape and eyepatch with a broom. He started singing �Sorcerer�s Stone� with the obligatory BROOM SOLO! And he also sang a pirate song with Luke Ski and Blasted Bill. It was pretty funny, because he dropped his hook and he made a remark how they just didn�t make good hooks anymore. Luke Ski (who had a clothes hanger for his hook) agreed. Piratey like. Aaaaar, matey! Tony�s show was awesome, and I am so mad at myself for not getting his CD while I was there. Oh well, there�s always the Internet.
After Tony, it was time for the Lip Synch Contest. There were some awesome acts. Cindy and Brian had this whole Cavity Search thing going on-Brian was holding up bills, and X-rays, and all sorts of stuff, and at one point he whipped a toy drill out of his pocket and attacked Cindy. Later on, he tried again, but she retaliated by stealing the drill and drilling his teeth. It was hilarious! Angie also did a number. She lip synched to Young Dumb and Ugly. (The audience was singing along to the Young! Dumb and Ugly! Parts.) Jeremy performed It�s All About the Pentiums decently well, while ripping props out of his jacket (Doritos and floppy disks, to name a few). But the best act of all�the one that left the entire audience speechless�was Fred. She was FAT! She had the costume, the mask, glasses�you name it. She was EXCELLENT. And when she leaped up and bounced on the stage�the audience, true to form, bounced out of their chairs when she landed. It was so fun!
Next up-Dan Hart. He sang some excellent songs-The Dangerous Toy and Sex n� Violence-and ended his act with a duet with Carla Ulbrich. I especially liked his high-top sneakers. The life of Dan may never be a movie, but it sure made a funny song.
Carla was really, really funny. She sang What If Your Girlfriend Was Gone, and a parody of her own song, What if Your Butt Was Gone. She said it was from her personal experiences, since she had been on a macrobiotic diet (which sounded horrible) and that the thing she missed the most was her butt. She also sang a song about difficult last names. �Carla Ulbrich, a manly name!� I felt bad that I couldn�t buy her CD, but I needed some $$ for the CD�s I had already planned to buy.
Following Carla was the Gong Show. There were some acts that really, really deserved the gong-and boy, did they get it! First up was Danny Doughnuts. He promptly got gonged because, well, he just wasn�t funny. The only entertaining bit of his act was lifted from There�s No Going Home. He played the world�s shortest blues song�but he loused up the beginning of it! The judges were Larry Weaver, Bob Ricci, and Barko Shizarre (a big green Muppet that looked like Rolf). Barko was the one that gonged him-�Because, frankly, everyone�s asleep.� I agreed with him. Cid came out and sang a song while pulling props out of her shirt. She could sing! And it was funny! So she didn�t get gonged. She got a 24!
And then the amazing thing happened. Guess who snuck into the front row on the right? Al and Suzanne! Wow! The people in front of me were staggered, so I could see between them, and the girl that was supposed to sit behind Al and Suzanne wasn�t there. So I had an EXCELLENT view of Al and Suzanne.
Okay, quick commentary. They snuck in there so fast that very few people knew Al was there. (At least, I didn�t hear anyone saying anything.) I knew he was there, because, well, he was RIGHT THERE! And no, I did NOT stare at him for the whole time. Just occasional glances, to make sure I was not hallucinating. So the folks backstage had no idea (I think). At least Kevin looked like he had no idea.
Kevin came out and did Bedrock Anthem. He even ripped off his clothing and jumped around in a loincloth. He leapt off the stage and started walking around in front of the audience. Which meant that he eventually ended up in front of Al. Without skipping a beat, he stuck the mic in Al�s face during the song and said �You sing!� And Al sang a Yabbadabbayabbadabbadabbadoonow. Kevin�s response? �That was pretty good!� At the end of Kevin�s song, he got back up on stage and said �Is that really Al?�I feel ill�� It was hilarious. Kevin got 24 points also.
Patti got up and did her very short Mom-ologue. She also got 24 points. In fact, every act that did not get gonged got 24 points. (Even the Fries Fries Fries guy, who was pretty good!)
Patti got third. I do not remember who got second and first. What I do remember is that at some point during the show, Sharko Bizarre (the host) said �It wouldn�t be a Weird Al YankoVITCH convention without�� YANKOVIC!!!� �Huh?� Amanda stepped in. �It�s VIC! YankoVIC!� �Really?� �YANKOVIC!� screamed the audience. �Sorry.�
Then Throwing Toasters. They showed a short film beforehand showing the band going to the stage door to the tune of Creed�s Higher. As they walked, one band member got a call on his cell phone. Bye! He walked away from the group. Then one of them walked away with some Toasters groupies. And then the last one broke his shoelace and went to go get a new one. Grant gets to the door, looks back�no band. He shrugs apologetically at the camera and the screen goes dark.
Throwing Toasters ROCKED. Grant was so awesome that I bought burnt AND Chrome, even though I was only intending to buy one or the other. He sang SkrewU, and Debbie (naturally) and at the end, he was down on his knees, bawling DEBBY DEBBY DEBBY�then he quickly got up, quavered I Love Yooooooou into the mic and there was massive applause. He also sang Girl, You Can Feed My Hamster and Bad Influence and perhaps a song or two that I don�t remember.
And now, my acid, biting commentary of the day.

GEEZ, people.

During one of the breaks for switching acts, people started lining up to see Al and have their picture taken with him. Okay, I was thrilled he was there. Beyond thrilled. (I was so excited that I couldn�t eat.) But all he was doing was sitting there with Suzanne, and then he was mobbed. Amanda even came on the stage and asked the crowd � politely � to sit down, that there would be an official meet and greet later.
So what did the people do? Get in the line. Oy vey. It took Amanda going down into the crowd and forcibly dispersing them to get them to LEAVE already. I kinda felt sorry for Al. (Then again, he knows the danger of hanging around with people who think he�s one of the best people on the planet, if not THE best person on the planet.)

Commentary over. Back to the good stuff.

The costume and Look-Al-Like winners were announced. Fred won Best Costume-of course-and Kevin won the Look-Al-Like contest again. Oh, and the top ten trivia finalists were announced. Correction-the ten people that entered were announced. They went and did whatever while the Great Luke Ski came onstage to perform.
Luke put on an excellent show. He started out his set with Bender Roboto, and did more costume changes than Al! I liked In the Line Again and the Fanboy song. And at the end, he sang �C�mon Ride the Bus�, a song about Al! What could be better? I ended up buying Carpe Dementia and Uber Geek, mostly for the Al mentions. But now that I�ve listened to them, I�ve discovered that I like quite a bit of Luke�s stuff. Rock on, Luke.
Next on the agenda-Torsoboy�s Trivia Contest. Torsoboy and Happy Steve came up with an excellent game show for the trivia contest. It also had some kick-butt commercials. I felt very sorry for Saundra, going up against UHJeff and Elvis. They did try and toss some points her way�but it still had to be nerve wracking to be up there. (Thus why I didn�t fill out a sheet-after all, I love Al, but I�m not too big on trivia.)
After the game show, Amanda tried to tell us the convention was over.

HA!

We were all waiting anxiously for Bermuda�s presentation. Finally, he went up onstage. Picture seven strobe lights all set for different frequencies and all going off at once. That�s what it looked like up on stage from all the camera flashes. Bermuda�s presentation was short. Far too short. But very cool.
Not only did he fill us in on what had happened since the last tour�not much�but he also brought along some truly cool video clips.
Film of Al�s short-hair promos for MTV, doing Eat It and Like A Surgeon unplugged. �Got your kidneys, got your kidneys, got your kidneys on my mind�� It was hilarious!
Film of Al and the band clicking scissors madly at the camera. Oh yes, and Jim faking cutting Al�s hair. BAD JIM! Film of Al walking around in his track suit, back to the camera�I hear from my right �Thank you Jon!� Film of Al running with the scissors��Don�t do it Al!�
Film of the Albuquerque concert. Mr. Frump�and Inna Gadda Da Vida�and the Audience Inspired Song��ANGELA!� And the cool little Albuquerque song that is NOT the one on RWS. And then Bermuda cut off the film right in the beginning of the song!
�Awwww�� Bermuda: �What? You�ve heard this song before!� But Bermuda, we wanted to see it LIVE! Oh well.
And footage of Al singing the Truck Drivin� Song and the long long bit in Your Horoscope For Today. He even rolled his eyes at the camera! Oh, and Rub�n demonstrating how he felt about playing American Pie. On the piano. Apparently he doesn�t like it! Who knew?
Oh, and the Halloween concert clip. Fat�in the Nirvana outfit. I about DIED laughing. It looked so different! Al looked so odd�being not fat and singing Fat�and let�s not even talk about some of the choreography. Actually, let�s. ;) That was TOO funny.
And then Bermuda was standing on the stage, answering questions, when his cell phone went off. He blushed a bit, took the call�and informed us all that Al wanted to come onstage.
Cheering. Camera flashes. Indescribable joy. And Al, in red hawaiian print and khakis, smiling and standing at the mic. So do you know what we got to do next?
We got a sneak peek of UHF on DVD! It was so cool. Al was showing us all the little options��Okay, put language on francais�and put subtitles on espanol�� And let�s not forget the commentary. �Orion�is bankrupt�� And the easter egg! Act like you�re going to set language to francais and then hit left. It�s�it�s�I DON�T REMEMBER! Oh well, we�ll all find out in a month.
During the rest of the movie, Al, Suzanne, and Bermuda were stationed at the back of the room for a meet and greet. Ambri and I stood in line forEVER. Finally, we got back to Bermuda. Ambri (being brave) asked Bermuda �Can I ask you a really dumb question?� �Sure!� �Can I sit on your lap and have my picture taken?� Bermuda gave Ambri a funny look. �I don�t know about the picture, but go ahead!� Ambri sat down and he bearhugged her. I took a picture, and Ambri got up. Bermuda let out an �Awww��
I stepped up. �But it�s MY turn!� �Oh, okay!� He grinned at me as I sat down and got squeezed. I got my picture taken, and as we were all waiting for Al to get done with the people further up the line, I thanked Bermuda for linking frivALity to weirdal.com. He thanked me for thanking him, and I just about thanked him for thanking me for thanking him, but I figured I�d stop the insanity and just nod and smile. I don�t think Bermuda remembered what frivALity was�he seemed kind of clueless�then again, his brain might have been fried from all that meeting and greeting. I know mine would be.
And then�Al. You have no idea how I felt. I�d been five feet away from him for all of two hours, so the contact shock was kind of worn off, but I had this nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach and my brain had entered meltdown mode. Fortunately, Ambri went first.
Al signed Ambri�s program, and as he looked up, we presented him with a little gift bag. (It had a bunch of stuff in it all relating to his work, like Doritos and a poodle and a photo album full of Al stuff we�d done or found.) He seemed really excited to get a present, and he pulled out the chips and said �Doritos!� excitedly, then passed the bag on to Suzanne, who started to look through it.
Then I pulled my plastic banana out and asked �Would you sign my banana?� Al, with a grin, said �I would be honored.�
Then I got my picture taken. Big, big cheesy grin. And as we were about to go, I asked timidly if �Could I have a hug?� �Of course!� Ah�an Al hug! Al smells nice. Just so you all know.
Ambri and I walked away. My mind was melted. Completely. I was adrift on my happy fluffy cloud�my dream of meeting Al had FINALLY come true. I have no idea what we did then�probably went into the vendor room or something. I don�t know. I was too distracted. (Now that I�m writing this up, it sounds like one of my actual dreams. It seemed like at any minute, I would wake up and discover that AlCon wasn�t real. Fortunately, it WAS real!)
Anyway, it was finally time for the auction. (Sudden Death had been moved up in the lineup, and they went before the auction. Not my favorite dementia artist, but hey-you can�t like everyone.) I was backstage, still in my silver suit, feeling slightly less nervous than before. As I stood there, I heard the eyeball chair get auctioned for�are you ready?�THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS.
And eventually I went out onstage with my item to display�the fuzzy guitar. (Oh, I can feel your envy.) It was pretty darn cool. And very fuzzy. The strings were not right though�then again, you�re not supposed to play it. Fred won the auction.
I went back offstage, set down the guitar, and grabbed the next thing-the silver wand. (Silver girl, silver wand.) After a few more items were called, I walked onstage with the wand and Amanda asked for a demonstration.
I am not graceful. I have never claimed to be so. So no one can blame me for almost taking out Amanda as I attempted to demonstrate the wand. (The ribbon was all wound up, okay?) Amanda, if you�re reading this, sorry for almost killing you. Hey, I missed, right? That�s gotta count for something.
After the auction, I was hanging around backstage to see if I was still needed. The curtains parted and Al strolled on back. (I quietly melted into the wall and gaped like a fish.) He asked Amanda if �they knew that the chair wasn�t in that good of condition�. Al, we don�t CARE what condition the stuff�s in. It�s YOUR STUFF. Why else did we pay 500 dollars for a baggie of dryer lint?
I did eventually leave�after I made Al laugh. (I don�t know what sparked it, but I made some comment about just being Vanna White for the auction, and he laughed! Ah, I�ve returned the favor Al has done me so many times�I�ve made him laugh.) After I left backstage, I didn�t do too much. I thought about eating dinner�nope. Not hungry.
Basically, I hung around in the lobby for a long time. Ambri and I got our pictures taken with Matt Lash a la Night at the Roxbury, and then we had a Stupid Group Picture with Larry Weaver. Then we all trooped into the hallway and waited in line to see Al so we could get a Stupid Group Picture with Al and Bermuda and Suzanne.
It was confusing. The guy in charge of wrangling the crowd kept saying �If you�ve already met Al, go away� or something to that effect. We explained that we wanted a group photo. Just one�taken by many cameras. We were finally allowed to have one taken (after several minutes of panicky confusion.)
While we were waiting in line, Suzanne had wandered out and was playing with an odd contraption. It looked like a noisemaker, but larger, black, and with a line of lights on the end. When you twirled it, the light flashes read �Weird Al Rules� and �AlCon 2002�. I think both of them belonged to Ali. Someone was talking to Suzanne, and she said that she�s able to spin lunch trays. (Now that I�ve GOTTA see!)
Well, we got our picture. Just beforehand, we inducted Bermuda into Stupid. (Kim has a picture of him, her, and a banana pin in Jon�s hand.) As she turned to us and said �Now Jon�s STUPID!� we let out this enormous cheer. Al looked over at us like �Hey, this is MY convention�why are you cheering for him??� Then we all swarmed around Al. (I was right behind him!!) We all grinned for the cameras, the picture was taken�I snuck my hand onto Al�s back, because hey-I take what I can get. (Yes girls, Al�s hair is just as fluffy as you think.)
And then, the night was pretty much over. Ambri was tired, I�ve never been a fan of dances�so we went up to bed.

Sunday

We came down for breakfast, only to find a group of Stupid people hanging out by the juice! Ambri and I went over and talked for a long time, then ate breakfast, then went back and talked some more with Brian and Karen. Finally, we were dragged away, but we promised each other we�d be online that night. (We all were.)
And on the way home, we stopped at a mall, and I got my very first ever pair of Vans. Thus, AlCon ended.

I would like to offer my sincere thanks to everyone who made that convention what it was. Amanda, you are one of the best people on the planet to put AlCons together. To all the volunteers-without you, AlCon would probably not run half as well, if it happened at all.
To all the special guests-thank you for being there. Thank you for performing, and making that weekend one of the most dementia-filled I�ve ever had. And thanks, Luke, for signing my banana.
To Al, Bermuda and Suzanne-thank you for coming. Thank you for letting me have my picture taken with you. (Bermuda-thanks for letting me sit on your lap.) Thank you for staying until everyone had a picture, or an autograph. Thank you for being so understanding.
I�m not be the most eloquent person on the planet, so I�ll leave it with this. Thank you, everyone.