| The Doesn't's of Cherie (cont'd) Cherie doesn't understand conversation. me: "The bus didn't stop for us" her: "Laffery Daniel" Cherie doesn't understand comparisons: I throw a banana at her "You're startled by bags of candy as I'm startled by flying produce." and then after I stop laughing I try to explain to her that bags of candy lying on desks are somewhat LESS startling than hurled bananas. Set up for the next botched comparison: she calls me big teeth (and no they're not abnormal, ok?) me: "wow, my legs are short" her: "not as short as your teeth" Cherie doesn't understand our fragile ecosystem: "ooohh flower!" ~pluck~ Cherie doesn't understand hobbies: "I just want to collect something and stick it on something else." Cherie doesn't understand our legal system: me: "Eek! It's a cop and we stole something!" her: "no we didn't!" me: "we took flowers, and they're not ours." Cherie doesn't understand emotional support and encouragment. Me: "I want a boy. NO! I don't need a boy, Cherie tell me I don't want a boy." her: "You're gay" Cherie doesn't understand phonics. "no, those are in a flower bed. These were just PHRANDOM." Cherie doesn't understand pop culture. after I explain to her that I'm not the only one that watches gay porn she gets all embarrassed "I'm SURE you're wrong about this" Cherie doesn't know how to take mocking. her: "hu- yah!" (goofy-like laughter) me: "hu-yah?" her: "shut up you hooker haver!" Cherie doesn't understand oxymoron. "But you're a rational looney!" Cherie doesn't understand suicide. me: "but she keeps saying it wasn't a suicide attempt. Dude! She took 120 pills!" Her: "Maybe she was hungry?" Cherie doesn't know how to do her hair. She takes out her hair thing, bends over to "fluff' her hair and somehow launches a projectile at me, from her hair. me: "ow!" Cherie doesn't know how to take a shower. "And I was wondering, what else can I do in there? Marco.... Polo." Cherie doesn't understand simple mix ups. "How do you mistake your finger for a pancake?" Cherie doesn't understand other cultures. "Why are they playing the Canadian national anthem??" some girl: "um... they're playing TORONTO" Cherie doesn't understand tact. "And then this comedians dad misunderstands terms for gay people. He'd say 'hey, those two look like carpet cleaners!'" then my minister (MY MINISTER): "What's the actual reference?" me: (turning BRIGHT red) "omg cherie I hate you!!!" my minister: "why what does it mean?" me: (in my smallest voice) "carpet muncher" my minister: "what's a carpet muncher?" me: "omg cherie I hate you! I have to explain to my MINISTER what a carpet muncher is!!!!!!!!" cherie: laughing to hard to speak... and I was stuck explaining to my MINISTER what a CARPET MUNCHER is... |