�Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house No one was silent, including the mouse. Santa and his elves were toiling away, Fixing last-minute problems in the toys, one might say. As quick as a whistle, a clap, and a bang, Santa started packing before his reindeer came. Santa looked tired and worn this year, Like he was slowly recovering from too much beer. His reindeer arrived with droopy, bored eyes. Even Rudolph�s red nose took on a sad disguise. Santa slouched with disgust on the edge of his sleigh He didn�t look at all jolly and gay. His profanity roared like Joe Pesci�s that night. No wonder his reindeer sped off in a fright. Once around, twice around, three times and more The reindeer whisked the sleigh through the planets galore. With a surprising soft touch, Santa slowed the deer down, And said, �I�m sorry I cursed and portrayed a mean clown.� But once again, tired old St. Nick roared, �No time for delays get to young Tommy�s door!� The reindeer sleigh raced faster than sound, And made Santa�s frown wiggle slightly upside down. The truth was the reindeer weren�t working at all, They were relaxing and dreaming as if in a stall. With slyness and stealth, they had placed in the sleigh A jet engine full of Kerosene fuel the previous day. In less than a milisec, at Tommy�s house they arrived. Santa was so still, they hoped he was alive. Looking down the chimney and shaking his head, Santa had opened the backdoor due to his belly�s load of lead. As soon as he�d made it through the garage of the house, Santa stepped on a cat that screamed like a grouse. He cursed, and he threw the old cat out the shutter, But, of course, the old cat jumped back in with a sputter. The lights popped on, and a figure was shown, Santa jumped back in horror, and started to moan. But the figure in shadow proceeded to whine, �Don�t worry, I�m not Britney Spears coming to whack you one more time. I know she did last year for not putting her album inside your bag, But you did the right thing, she�s such an old hag!� At this very moment, Santa�s eyes began to mist, He was at the wrong house, but it was God�s will, he guessed. Never before had he met a young lady With opinions so similar to his first wife, Katie. She pulled the old man under the famous mistletoe, After Santa told her his wife had died years ago. Santa began to forget his mission that night, And let his reindeer stay on the roof till they died of frostbite. He forgot he was Santa after awhile, And his past faded without a thought of his elves in exile. His new wife and Santa made it fine for awhile, But when things thawed out they knew a divorce was in style. Santa lived the rest of his days in a depressing path of worry and strife, Feeling badly he�d given in to the world�s ways of life. He was still a wide load and a heck of a sight, But how he missed saying �Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!� |
| Twas the New Age For Christmas |
| By Mark Chenoweth |