"Next week on FOX, see lions eat Christians."-from Couch Potatoe
"How was I supposed to know we were both related?--Should I go ahead and propose and get hitched and have kids with eleven toes and move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?"-from A Complicated Song
"And I thought, poor Rob, I just had lunch with him. Hey wait a minute, he still owed me money, what a jerk."-from Why Does This Always Happen to Me
"Rats live on no evil star."-from Bob (the whole song is palindromes)
"Junk keeps arriving in the mail. From that world wide garage sale."-from Ebay
"But nevertheless and in spite of the evidence I am still widely considered to be a genius in France."-from Genius in France
"I'll be playing this part till I'm old and gray. The long term contract that I had to sign says I'll be making these movies till the end of time, with my Yoda."-from Yoda
"Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near mars."-from a song of the same name
"A huge tyrannosaurus ate our lawyer. Well, I supposed that proves they're really not that bad."-from Jurrasic Park
"An Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of."-from Amish Paradise
"Just then the floating disembodied head of Colonel Sanders started yelling."-from Everything You Know is Wrong
"Yes Virginia, now Santa Clause is dead. Some guy from the SWAT team, blew a hole through his head. Yes little friend now, he has his brains on the floor. Guess you won't have the fat guy, to kick around anymore."-from The Night Santa Went Crazy (this version found only on the single)
"He says, 'All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels.' I said, 'Ok, I'll take that.':-from Albuquerque