| Two people in a committed romantic relationship usually go, or want to go, to the altar to make their vows. Believing they would never feel for anyone else what they have for each other and not wanting to risk "losing" one another, they promise before God that they will love each other and spend the rest of their lives together, no matter what. The concept of marriage is something that one starts to grapple with as early as one's experience of first crush. The premise usually is that there is someone out there who is meant for each one of us. As one grows older, the wants, needs, beliefs, and expectations from the self and the partner on relationship matters evolve with experience. Sadly, with or without actual experience of relationship(s), whether or not "the one for me" is found, whether or not it is practical, the pressure from people for someone to marry increases with age, too (unless that person is marrying Jesus Christ). Very often, many succumb to the pressure long before one is comfortable with and confident about the self and the world around it. The couple look into each other's eyes, confidence and trust levels varying, and say "I do" to guarantee to be there for the other through thick and thin. People, their psychological and emotional make-up, situations and settings change over time. Feelings are hard enough to decipher. How could two people stand there at the altar to promise to stay in love with each other for the rest of their lives? The point is: why do they have to? Go to the altar to make promises? Have to stay in love with (only) each other? Why for the rest of their lives? This piece was not written to challenge, although it may, all kinds of disciplines to prove or disprove a belief or a value, protect or lay bare and take scores on the pluses and minuses and ups and downs of marriage. This is about a quest for other ways to love, live and relate with others. The Options "(Non) Monogamy has been on my mind lately. 'Lately' meaning the last five years-or-so years. I don't believe in monogamy anymore. I don't believe it is a healthy lifestyle for many human beings. I don't believe it is the only moral or 'right' way to live. I certainly don't believe that is the most pleasurable or exciting way to live. And most of all, I don't believe that human societies should apply the idea of monogamy unilaterally across the board and say that it's the only correct lifestyle, and that this 'rule' applies to EVERYBODY" (the monogamy myth, full text at www.linusmoke.com/journal/062199.htm). Thus goes linus moke� The name may as well be a screen name, but he (the writer sounded like a man) wrote with a truthfulness that not very many could manage or afford for many reasons, many of these reasons being not personal but merely following the structures dictated by the immediate environment and society in general. The fact is, the whole issue of the self-in-relationship-with-another is all multi-tiered and deserves only thorough thinking, feeling and re-thinking. Commitment is not just about practical matters, it requires surveying one's options prior. It is also about responsibly getting acquainted with the structures that define the options. The current most common standard is monogamy. It is defined as the practice of being married to just one person --- husband or wife --- for a time. It is the only arrangement that is Church and state -sanctioned, and as such, has rules to follow. Having the wife or husband as the only sexual partner is just one of its basic rules; the other conditions would be fully appreciated only when a way out has become a necessity. Ask anyone who wishes to have his/her marriage declared null/void when marriage is deemed insoluble and divorce is not available. And since monogamy is the form that most people are familiar with, the introduction of the other forms will be more space-worthy than discussion of the de/merits of marriage. Serial monogamy basically means having multiple, committed relationships with one partner after another. This may be the form that Filipinos are unknowingly practicing as this gives a name to the string of committed relationships that may or may not include marriage. Anyone who has given her/himself to a relationship would have something to say about the difficulties of ending it, yet ending a relationship --- termination date agreed upon or not --- is integral to serial monogamy. One website of the US university differentiates serial monogamy from mutual monogamy, which it defines as a "long-term, committed relationship between two people who have been tested for STDs and know their partner's sexual past." This differentiation would be in reaction to the danger of contracting and transmitting diseases when serial monogamy borders on promiscuity. An open marriage is a non-monogamous relationship. It is different from the monogamous version in the sense that the spouses live together to build a family but allow themselves to have other sexual partners. �Marry women of your choice, two or three or four, but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then only one or one that your right hands possess. That will be more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice,� says the Qur'an on polygamy in the Moslem faith. There are other societies/communities that practice �plural marriage,� the practice of having more than one wife or husband at a time. It has many forms: polygyny (one male to multiple exclusive females), polyandry (one female to multiple exclusive males), and group marriage (multiple males and multiple females who may or may not be open to sexual partners outside of the group). These are not necessarily faith-based, but all are hetero-sexual in nature. Similar but not the same, there is �polyamory,� a multi-partner ethical and consensual relating among adults. One of its form is called �polyfidelity,� a form of group marriage where the members agree to be �fidelitious within their group� and commit to exist as a family. The polyfidelity people maintain that the polyamory is not about promiscuity; it acknowledges the fact that not one person can meet another's every need. Although relationships may or may not be sexual, they believe that children born out of this type of relating benefit from seeing parents maintain loving and responsible relationships. Given all the options aside from the monogamous marriage, we must add the gay and lesbian and mixed relationships, with or without marriage, sexual or not. It would be easy to judge and choose using the standard of monogamy. And even at the rate of marriage break-ups, acceptance of any arrangement other than the monogamous version at this point may be near-myth. But it might not be too much to ask for an open mind�. because some people need alternative ways of relating to realize who they are and their individual capacity to love. If one wish were to be granted to the writer at this point, when there comes no real acceptance of serial monogamy: let the marriage contract have an �effectivity period.� Three years for me, please! |
| ? ROMANTIC BLISS = SERIAL MONOGAMY - (MARRIAGE + DIVORCE) Love Relationship Options |
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| sheila ! |
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