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| sheila ! |
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| raison d'etre |
| i maintain personal relationships for purely selfish reasons. these relationships help define me. i discover myself, the wisdom within, the wealth (and waste) of emotions, the expense and blessings of interaction. i get a kick out of my life dramas, but i wouldn't say i've gone cynical or jaded about life on the other hand. i am. i breathe, i'm aware. and with this alone, i'm happy. i need not be anything else: my parents' daughter, my sisters' eldest, my boss' assistant, my boyfriend's life playmate, my exes' depository of precious memories, my closest friends' biggest ally... i simply am, in many ways no one can know, in so many ways a person cannot be someone else. and for these, i thirst for connection with the people outside of myself. a romantic connection is one of the most common hankering of a being. i'm not immune. i had a few, lasting, not just satisfying, but enriching relationships. each one was a blessing--- gifting me, each time, with a discovery of my depths of being. sure, there was pain. i managed to inflict i few myself. i felt joy, and i'm proud to say i too brought joy to the people i loved in my most creative moments. having gone through the range of emotions, which i've come to see as an affirmation of being in this life, i don't like to repeat myself. although difficult, i try to experience every moment as itself: unconnected from the past, dissociated from the future. nothing can compare to the bliss of experiencing something in full awareness. like the moment from a recent past, of someone asking me if he could kiss me, and knowing i couldn't deny ourselves the connection. my life's milestones are my relationships. my sharpest memories are of those defining moments: saying goodbye to my high school crush and realizing he was my first love, introducing my college boyfriend to my father and earning a month of angry silence, running away from someone i just met knowing running away was futile because a connection had been made.... each phase of my life, however short or long it lasts, is marked by the relationships i've built with an-other. it is not measured by the number of hours or years i actually spend with anyone. no it is not the roses, the good mornings and bidding each other goodnight. it is by the knowing that myself and another have given each other ourselves. anything else would be repeating myself. 28aug04, 1025h, dvo |