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| sheila ! |
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| the holy cow and the World of No-Thought |
| we were at eagle's bar, nearly midnight, sometime in 2003 maybe. the topic i realize just now was how much of You do they see, and which has now for me morphed into how much of you is You. look at me and see my long hair, recently styled. notice the flirty dangling earrings, that gives my look just enough bling and a sense of now. the avocado-green pashmina doesn't look so five-years-ago. the bag, with the beautiful hue of blue and lined with teasing pink, looks attractive on its own yet it is part of the whole. check out the sexy straps that make my footwear; the sandals may look fragile but i'll bet a whole month of salary that it'll last more than two years and will take at least a hundred trips to places i haven't been. yeah, i care about how i look. but not really. i dare you-, i want you-, i need you- to look beyond what i let you see. sure, read my work because i draw so much of my worth from what i do and create, but my job - nor the gimmicks after work - is not my whole world. we can talk about Big Ideas and small ideas; and i can tell you about all the things, and places, and People i care so much for, but in a sense i only know them (and they only know me) on the level created by convention. small talk, incessant chatter, needless / pointless conversation. these clutter my head. look into my eyes, and hold the gaze. allow no thought or feeling to interfere. that's you, this is me. somehow the differences disappear. and i'm glad. hello ?. (21jul05, sjc) i live with mental structures and blurred boundaries. of relationships, disciplines, morals, ethics and cultures, of consciousness and levels of being. and i think each blurring jars me out of my vanity. i'm not the center of the world. but i am, the ego, the one, who gives meaning to everything. i think therefore i am. a statement by Descartes that i heard in grade school but only in philo101 did the declaration awaken something in me. and it's only recently that i realized the vanity of it. this life is but a blink in the Bigger Scheme of things. i envy, and i like to see myself right now not unlike, the cow in the middle of our rice fields in nueva ecija. plowing the farm and pulling cart in the course of farm life, breathing and chewing hay most days, filled with innate calm and completeness although startled by violent thunderstorms once in a while. (i wonder if there is something there why east indians consider the cow sacred�?) not many i know understand when i say i've become okay, that i learned to enjoy not just solitary activities but, being alone. some people i know for a fact can't stand it. hehehe. husbands and boyfriends seek 'company' when their partners are out; wives and girlfriends wouldn't leave their partners alone. sexist ba? take out the gender references, i think the statements would still apply ;p guess if i'm speaking from experience hahaha. (sorry, i know it's not funny when you're in the middle of something.) a lot find being alone oppressive, lonely, a missing of someone, a missing out on something, the absence of je ne sais quoi, an attack of the melancholy. but i've found an antidote to that. it was serendipity, yet i've been searching for the balm for confusion since the eternity of my lifetime. getting acquainted with it was oh-so-slow over the past twenty years, but i came to know it full-face only a few years ago. the world of no-thought. my heaven. my haven from real and imagined pain. the ultimate escape to somewhere nowhere anywhere. my home which is the universe. no limits, no boundaries. nothing but Awareness, the Great Knowingness. before you think that i've gone bonkers, let me tell you that i am not kidding and i'm not exaggerating. there's so much to learn, and unlearn, inside. the journey inward, to the mind and the heart, can be so rewarding, as fulfilling and meaningful as a trip to any place you've only been dreaming about. inward exploration can lead you to your very core in the world of no-thought. it's where i got to know Me. the me without the Ego, the Super Ego, without the mental structures that bind me to the personality i use to get by in this life, without the character that has been the main currency of my existence. me without the mental juggling and mind games, the me who is the vessel of grief and love and joy and everything in between. there lives in each of us an ever watching, watchful eye. it judges no one. it certainly doesn't judge the self. it knows every, and the extreme of each, emotion and thought --- yet it is not for and about those. it is beyond Matter and what matters as we know these. it feels like a Huge Idea that need not be defined, felt, nor expressed. in the world of no-thought, we are all the same. blessed (or cursed, depends on how your ego decides) with the spark of life that connects us to the stars and all the planets and life there we've yet to discover. in the world of no-thought, I Am yet i am not, and the difference doesn't matter. in the world of no-thought, i have no cares, i need no one to care, and i don't care. in the world of no-thought, i'm free as each of us is meant to be. in the world of no-thought, there's just Life, and my cup is filled. 05nov05, 1126h,mkt back to homepage |
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