 |
| This month I had to make them all by myslef, so Sagittarius is just like the rest of them. If you're a lucky Aries, like me, you will notice a pleasant, normal horoscope. Oh, and just in case there are people out there that think this is serious, these are a big joke, I know nothing about astrology and I made these up one morning when I was bored. Enjoy!! |
| Aries: March 21-April 20 Hey, you know your former crush did NOT work out, your interest in your current crush seems to be fizzling away, and you have a new one forming? Well the third time is a charm isn�t it? And this one is going to go along with that old clich�. Good Luck!! Lucky days: 3rd, 8th, and 24th. Zodiac Matches: Libra and Capricorn. Taurus: April 20-May 20 Ok, listen carefully, Madonna does not want to date you. Yes, it�s true, your obsession has been a waste of time. Remember that she�s married and has two kids, would you really want to break that up? Hey, Nicole Kidman did just split from Tom Cruise, maybe there�s a new obsession in waiting� Yucky days: 18th, 30th, and 31st. Zodiac Matches: Virgo and Libra. Gemini: May 21-June 21 We know you�re upset because the snowman you built during Christmas break melted. But accept that it�s August. New snow isn�t due until December, so you�ll have to settle for the marshmallow snowman you learned how to build by watching Martha Stewart. Oh, and on that note, get a life; Martha Stewart is for middle-aged housewives. Yucky days: 4th, 7th, and 8th. Zodiac Matches: Cancer and Virgo. Cancer: June 22-July 22 Be advised, refrain from calling me a poopy-head. And you KNOW who you are. I WILL see you at holidays and I AM bigger than you, so I CAN squish you, And I CAN get the help of your brother. You�ve had your warning, handle it carefully. Yucky days: 14th, 18th, and 24th, Zodiac Matches: Gemini and Capricorn. Leo: July 23-August 22 Tricycles have not been approved as road-safe vehicles. You�re soon going to resemble a fatality on the Atari Frogger game, and that�s not attractive to the opposite gender, so invest in a car, or at least get a helmet. Yucky days: 2nd, 13th, and 25th. Zodiac Matches: Cancer and Aquarius. Virgo: August 23-September 22 Face it, you�re not a Powerpuff girl. Quit forcing your friends to call you Buttercup, you look nothing like the un-naturally large headed cartoon. And next time resist the temptation to rescue the kitten from your brother�s laser death rays. It�s only a Wal-Mart laser pointer; it can do no harm to the kitten. Yucky days: 1st, 23rd, and 30th. Zodiac Matches Taurus and Gemini. |
| For the Month of August |
| Libra: September 23-October 23 Back away from your Bumble Ball. You�re becoming addicted. This child�s toy is becoming an obsession. We all know it vibrates, bounces, and is somewhat kinky, but that�s no excuse. Get away while you still can. Yucky days: 17th, 18th, and 31st. Zodiac Matches: Taurus and Aries. Scorpio: October 24-November 22 Tell your best friend to tell his/her cousin to tell his mother to tell her sister to tell her granddaughter to tell her gerbil that you think little Fluffy is cute. [Giggles] I know it�s embarrassing, but you have to let your true love know how you feel. Yucky days: 5th, 7th, and 22nd. Zodiac Matches: Sagirrarius and Pisces. Sagittarius: November 23-December 21 What is it they told you in kindergarten? Keep your hands to yourself! Your friends do not appreciate your constant groping. How many times do they have to tell you that grabbing derri�res does not count as hugging? Lay off, you�re making people mad. Yucky days: 6th, 9th, and 24th. Zodiac Matches: Aquarius and Scorpio. Capricorn: December 22-January 19 How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man? Well, obviously more than you�ve walked down. Keep walking, [whispering] wimp. Yucky days: 7th, 19th, and 29th. Zodiac Matches: Aries and Cancer. Aquarius: January 20-February 20 OK, what is with you and Biffy the Wonder-Cat? Your imaginary friend does not posses special powers. He did not make you a special shatterproof bubble to keep you from danger. Come back to reality, contrary to popular belief, it�s a happy place. Yucky days: 1st, 8th, and 15th. Zodiac Matches: Leo and Sagittarius. Pisces: February 19-March 20 What is that thing growing on your chin? It�s disgusting! Get it removed! You�re freaking people out. Children cry when they see you. Geez, have some pride in your appearance. Yucky days: 2nd, 12th, and 22nd. Zodiac Matches: Leo and other Pisces. |
 |
|
| brought to you by... |