PROLOGUE
 

Thunder rumbles overhead. A gust of wind swirls the ends of your cape around as the oncoming storm blows onto Hogwarts' lands. A shadow slips through the water of the lake, and you know that the giant squid that dwells there is seeking the depths to get away from the storm.

You don't move off of the highest tower. You've always loved nights like this, with the wind gusting, the rain streaming down like tears of joy--or sadness. The world seems so angry when it storms, but you don't mind; it is also beautiful with the blue bolts of lightening crashing through the sky--

--bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzttttttttttiiiiiiitttttttttt!

Staggering towards the door you realize next time you should put an anti-lightening spell on yourself when you plan to be the tallest thing in the area.

"Twenty points from Slytherin!" You freeze--as much as you can still humming from the shock of being hit by lightening--as the Professor's voice rings out. "How silly are you? The headmaster told everyone to stay inside tonight. This is supposed to be a very bad storm!"

"But Professor," you say weakly. "I...love storms."

"That's no excuse for attempting to kill yourself in one. Plus, you're not supposed to be on ANY of the towers without permission, am I wrong?"

You stare at the ground, rain from your hair and clothes making puddles. "No Professor."

"Well then. Off to the infirmary with you. Go!"

Aching and now starting to get a chill you obediently trot off--but not before making a nasty face at the Professor's back. "Bossy git," you mutter. "I like storms!"

"But the storms apparently don't like you, now do they?" the wizard in charge of the infirmary asked when you tried to explain how you got hit by lightening after you arrived and he started to check you over. Another student giggled, overhearing it--another Slytherin, but a little first-year. You glare at them and they shut up, suddenly looking scared as you focus your full fifth-year Slytherin glare on them.

Glares are useful, you think to yourself. Too bad that kid doesn't have one. I think he got himself beat up again.

Then it hits you--you glare great. Of course, a little hint of self-mockery in your heart makes your mouth twitch up in a tiny sarcastic smile at the stupid-sounding thought. I glare great.. But you know you're not the only one--three-fourths of your friends do too; in fact, you didn't know of any Slytherin who couldn't glare at least adequately. If that kid knew how to glare like a Slytherin, perhaps he'd avoid being bullied.

You grin, hit by the thought of writing a book. "How to be a Slytherin". What a great book--pointers for every Slytherin. How to glare. How to stalk the halls wearing black while still being cool. How to sneer. You wriggle a bit as the wizard casts some spell to heal you on you, eager to be off and writing your ideas down. Then as you're shooed away--somehow alright, even though quite a few volts had charged though your body not ten minutes ago--you rush off to the Slytherin common room to share your idea.
 

Chapter ONE: PERFECT THAT PETRONIZING LAUGH
 

It must be MAUHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAHAHAMUAAHHAA! It's all in the throat. You have to start with a sharp Moi, like the French word for me (spoken as “mwa”). Then you make long sharp hahas and work in the moi (or "mwa"). Make sure it is long and cold, with sharpness. You may want to use this laugh when around students of other houses. You may want to use it when threatened so you don't look scared. Some of us, however, prefer to do this all the time. We are know for this laugh because, even though some of use don't have the laugh, we are all associated with it, because people assume we are evil, weather this is true or not. However by your second year almost every Slytherin has this famous laugh. By your third year you should or you’re not really counted as a Slytherin. We love our laugh!

Another thing to remember when perfecting that patronizing Slytherin laugh is to find one that suits your personality. If you have a shrill voice, it is not wise to try to do a deep dark laugh—do a high and annoying laugh, in order to make use of your inherent pitch. If you are a quiet person, do a soft mysterious laugh—a I-know-something-you-do-not laugh. If you’re a large man with a deep voice, make use of it—drop to the bottom of your pitch and do a deep bass laugh. If you can’t laugh very well, but do fine at giggling, then giggle! Little snickers and giggles are just as good as full-throated laughs and work better in the classroom environment when the Professor is likely to question you when you break out into a full “MWA HA HA HA AH HAAA!”. Most likely you’ll be sent to the infirmary to get your mind checked if you do a full Slytherin laugh.
 
 
 

Chapter TWO: Main Ingredient to Being a True Slytherin =>PUREBLOOD
 

It's no secret that we Slytherins take pride in the fact that we are pureblood wizards. No half muggles in this house! Unfortunatly, many mudbloods are allowed to attend Hogwarts, which of course is an outrage. But as long as our headmaster allows this, it is our job as Slytherins to let the mudbloods and mudblood lovers know that they are not welcomed here, as far as we are concerned.

Now, before you start  belittleling muggle-borns you must first of all make it known that you are from a great, old, pureblood, wizarding family, which is our first step.

STEP 1:Let them know you are pureblood

One of the best ways to do this is to use "My father"as often as possible in your speech, especially around muggle-borns.

For example, you are walking down the crowded hall after a particularly boring history of magic class and you say (overly loud),
"My father would not approve of us spending so much time on the Goblin rebellions. It has nothing to do with wizards. He would probably send the headmaster a howler if I told him..."
This will definitely intimidate the muggle-borns, especially those whose parents can't even use owl post! Another good example is,
"My father says he'll get me a new broom this Christmas if I make the Quidditch team.."
A Slytherin SHOULD NOT be shy in letting the whole world know that he/she is from a family of WIZARDS!
STEP 2: taking advantage of muggle misfortunes

Now that you have made it obvious that you are pureblood, it is time to show the mudbloods what you think of them. Here are some of the basic rules.

(1) Though you may associate with students of other houses, NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS SHOULD BE MUGGLE-BORN!

(2) If a muggle-born has an accident (eg. falls down stairs, off broom, spills potion on his person you must absolutely give a loud evil laugh* (if teacher is not present), a broad smirk**(if teacher is present), and add an insult to their injury.***

*see chapter on evil laugh
**see chapter on smirking
***see chapter on insulting
Please note that an insult may be given in the presence of a teacher if one keeps a relatively straight face and lowers their voice. This will require practice though.

example 1: You are twenty feet in the air during a flying class, when a muggle-born known as Lliam falls off his broom and hits the ground with a loud 'thud'! While the teacher tends to him, you,

"Muahahahahaha! Dumb muggle...can't even handle a broom!" Followed by a rather large smirk.

example 2: You are in potions class and the teacher decides that you will be working in groups of two. As luck will have it, you get set up with a mudblood by the name of Chuck! As you walk through a group of slytherins to get to Chuck's desk, you mutter,
"I can't believe they make us pureblood associate with his lot. He looks like a goof!"
All slytherins in class response should be,
"Muahahahahahahahaha!" followed by a smirk.
The professor will not know what you were all laughing about and Chuck will feel ill at ease.

(3) As a third and final rule, it should go without saying that tripping, elbowing, and name calling in the halls are all things  that we encourage. However it is very important to keep an open eye for professors. Any such activity should NOT be undertaken around any teacher who has a magical eye! One will be putting their self at great risk!
 
 
 

Chapter THREE: SLYTHERIN PRIDE
 

Slytherins have the unfortunate stereotype of being totally mean, evil, and Dark. This is not true. But when someone insults you unfairly, stand up with Pride! Pride is what lets us go on when we stumble (the few rare times we do). But on the flip side, don’t be too proud—being cheeky to the Professors can get you in much trouble. Always respect your professors, or at least in public. You can think mean thoughts but you shouldn't say anything about it. Make sure you don't lose points.
 
 

Chapter FOUR: The Proud Slytherin Posture
 

You, Slytherin, will spend approximately ten months in the halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry per year, for seven years. That's seven proud years as a Slytherin, and there are way to show just how proud you are without even speaking. Your posture is a strong key in how others see you but is also a valuable skill for everyday life.

Firstly, look at the way you stand. You definitely don't look proud if you're hunched over leaning against a wall with your hands in the pockets of your robes. Looking at the floor as you walk shows uncertainty, nervousness, and weakness, none of which belongs to a Slytherin. Instead, stand straight as a board with your chin raised. You arms should either stay at your sides or remain crossed to give an air of authority.

Furthermore, expression (especially facial) is very important. After all, your emotions and feelings can often be read from your face and this is something that may often prove to be a weakness. Keep your face, especially your eyes, expressionless and solemn so that others will not be able to read you like a book and guess what's going on in your head. This result will prove useful in many situations, like when you've been fighting, you'll have a much more convincing 'innocent' look.

Also, often actions speak louder than words. Why retort some feeble comeback when you can just sneer and prove that you're far more mature than your opponent . Every true Slytherin should be able to sneer, leer, drawl, growl, snarl, flaunt, mock, taunt, scoff, and scorn at the bat of an eyelash, saving their voice for when it is more needed. But being a Slytherin is more then 'walking the walk' or 'talking the talk'. Don't forget that it's not the position that counts, but the intention.

Furthermore, expression (especially facial) is very important. After all, your emotions and feelings can often be read from your face and this is something that may often prove to be a weakness. Keep your face, especially your eyes, expressionless and solemn so that others will not be able to read you like a book and guess what's going on in your head. This result will prove useful in many situations, like when you've been fighting, you'll have a much more convincing 'innocent' look.
 

Chapter FIVE: Expressing Emotion and the Slytherin Smirk!

Let me first of al list the only 4 ways a true slytherin should show emotion

(1) Evil laugh*
(2)Smirk
(3)straight face
(4) Cold stare

*see chapter on evil laugh

Because we have only 4 ways of expressing a variety of emotions, many think that we are actually emotionless. This is very untrue. But since this helps contribute to our cold and feared appearance, we shall let the people out there believe what they will.

Here is a quick list of how slytherins should express some of the most common emotions.

HAPPY: smirk
SAD: straight face
JOY: evil laugh
ANGER: cold stare
PAINED: cold stare
DISAPPOINTMENT: straight face
good SURPRISE: smirk/evil laugh
bad SURPRISE: cold stare/straight face
SATISFACTION: smirk
ENVY/JEALOUSY: cold stare

Because we already have a chapter dedicated to the evil laugh we will discuss the three other modes of expression we slytherins have:

ONE: The straight face

A really simple and straightforward idea, the straight face's difficulty in execution comes from the fact that it is to be used at moments when you want to do all BUT keep a straight face. Mainly used when you are sad, the straight face is your friend in moments where you feel you are about to show weakness: like crying or sighing. By keeping a straight face at these times you will appear to be a strong slytherin.

TWO: the cold stare

Both easy to execute and easy to know when to use. If you feel that you can just hit someone or leap on them, but can't because a professor is around or for any other valid reason, it is time to use to cold stare. All one has to do is take all that evil energy running through your body and send it to your face! Stare opponent right in the eyes, mouth expressionless, DO NOT BLINK! The eyes are the mirror to your soul: a cold, blank, unblinking stare gives the impression that you have no soul and are something other that human. This stare when well executed will strike fear in a wizard that is even more powerful than you are. Your expression will be pure venom. If looks could kill, your opponent would be 6 feet under.

THREE: slytherin's trademark SMIRK

The smirk can be done in many ways, what's best is to find the one that works for you. Your basic smirk is a sarcastic half smile. But there are many variants. It could be as big as a sarcastic full smile to as small as a squished sort of pucker. Try 'em all out. Which ever you decide to go with, if you see you enemy's face redden with feeling when you give them that slytherin smirk, you know you've got the right one!
 
 

Chapter SIX: The Dark Arts: How to learn more than what you do in DADA without being caught

The House of Slytherin is said to of produced the most Dark Witches and Wizards than any of the other Houses of Hogwarts. And because of that, the other Houses look upon us in suspicion--even when we are perfectly innocent. So how do those of us who crave to learn the Dark Arts (to defend against it, of course) obtain the opportunity to learn more about it?

In my years at Hogwarts, I had to address this very problem. The DADA class went by very slowly; most of what I was taught I already knew, and the rest was picked up very quickly by me. So half the time I was dozing or daydreaming, wasting an entire class of my valuable time. So I went hunting.
Cautiously, I approached those others of the Slytherin House to see if by chance they'd been taught a few hexes I'd not gotten the chance to learn. This proved to be a very valuable source of new knowledge about the Dark Arts in my first year; we were able to easily exchange knowledge in our free time, and when we did homework. The only problem was in choosing the right person to ask--accidentally I asked one Slytherin boy who was horrified I thought HE would know the Dark Arts; he was convinced I was a Death Eater in disguise. Once I'd calmed him down, feeding him a few well-made lies to make him believe me. I saw my mistake. I'd originally approached him because he was an outcast of a sorts--but I failed to see that he was an outcast because he was so naive--I still have no clue to as how he got into Slytherin. So after that I sat back and observed my fellow housemates, picking out those who were obviously not afraid and who were very discreet. We met in little groups in our free time during the year and exchanged innocous hexes and charms until we all started to either run out of knowledge or grow jealous of the few spells that one of us alone only knew.
So that's how I got my information during my first year. But the second year I was stuck; no one knew anything new than before, or they were now unwilling to share it. Surprisingly, a detention in the library with that obnoxious librarian fixed my lack of new incoming knowledge.

Books. Yes, yes, I see all you grimacing and telling me that all the GOOD books are stuck on shelves in the Restricted section--but do you know how many books have bits and pieces of incomplete information? Read the right books and for a smart person--and perhaps a little experimentation in one's spare time--it is fairly easy to piece together the isolated facts and learn something more. Plus, you don't have to give up your own knowledge to some other nosy student just to gain new spells.
 
 

Chapter SEVEN--How to Be Nice To Other Houses
 

Next, you can be friends with other houses but don't let down your guard. Always, always keep that sharp darkness. People from other houses tend to be suspicious of you—especially Gryffindor—so choose well whom you call your friend in another house.

Other houses generally make fun of us because we are Slytherins. Others plain out avoid us. Some respect us and fear us. Others, however surprising it may be, like us and make friends with us, whether they just want a bit of power or are just being friendly. However, as the sorting song says "You'll find your real friends there" while describing us—meaning Slytherin. This is true. We stick up for our friends. And most Slytherins are friends with everyone in their house. However, if you’re a loner (and there are those) always keep on your guard. But  try to have at least one friend.

Just keep in mind that just becaues you have friends in other houses, you shouldn't  hesitate to beat the other houses for all the cups! Have fun doing it—just remember to tell your friend its not his/her fault that his/her house lost. Remember, you are friends.

When you do win a cup, work your Slytherin laugh in there—but don’t go on too long. Gloat, then stop for a while, and be silent; it totally freaks them out, especially when you have skilful smug looks on your face. Then after they start to twitch from the silence, break out into a full Slytherin laugh. It'll get them every time!
 

Chapter EIGHT: Insulting with Style and Subtlety
 
 

As the years go by at Hogwarts, you will often find yourself frustrated with the amount of stupidity you come against. Often you will find yourself aching to name the dunderheads for exactly what they are.

Unfortunatly, as I found in my first year, when I stood in the middle of the corridors and let out these paticular frustrations out on another of my year, bringing him to tears, that this behavior is frowned upon. Usually some penalty is issued to discourge further incident.

Now let me enlighten you, learning Slytherins, that insulting is an art. To avoid reprecussions it must be done subtlely. Though still be as effective. There are several methods that I have found most helpful.

The first is sarcasm. A powerful ally it is. You may insult in the open, but your tone must imply mirth, as if it you are joking. The key is your body language. As you speak you must look at your opponent with your most peircing stare. (See "Cold stares” in the chapter on emotions” for further reference. All the while you have to raise one eybrow and purse you lips very slightly. This stance lets your opponent know, that you truly mean everything you say.

Second, when opportunity come knocking at your door, you had better answer. Take advantage of your opponents stupidity. Often times you will find that little work is involved with insulting some of your more dense classmates. If you use big enough words often times the person you are insulting will be befuddled for weeks, trying to figure you out.

Third is innocence. Before experimenting any technique you must perfect the look of innocence. Your face must portray this sweet look, that says "Professor, I have no idea what they are talking about!" Often mock innocence can make a your insult all the more sweeter when challenged.
 

The patronising look
This look is the one a Slytherin gives a person when they (the Slyths) know that person is wrong but it humours the Slyth to not point it out. It is a combo of a frown amusement, and that I'm-older-than-you look. Very irritating when it is directed on you.
 
 

There is still always the direct approach. (which is NEVER to be used on HOL because teachers are always around) Though if you do someday get to go to a real life wizarding school and if you are sure that there is little chance of being caught, go ahead and speak your mind. I would recommend a surprise attack.

The day you become a true Slytherin, is the day when your quick tongue  is more feared that you even quicker wand.
 

Chapter NINE: The Art of Sucking Up Part One: You Love your Professor!
 

You’re one of the best in the class—you actually STUDY for it, and you love the work itself. And yet, why are you not one of the Professor’s favorites? Because you’re a Slytherin, maybe, and they were a Ravenclaw?

Suck up. That’s the key ingredient you need here—you need to suck up. No doubt they already have some interest in you, because you actually care for their class and are good at the same thing they are good at. The problem is you have to suck up skillfully.

Well, if you have any Slytherin in you, you probably already know the basics of sucking up—namely that much flattery is involved. But to suck up skillfully (low-grade sucking up will not work with a Professor) you have to know when to stop the flattery. Praising the air they breathe is usually going a bit overboard—actually you should stop well before you come to that point. Here’s some basic steps to suck up to your teacher and get the perks you deserve.

First you observe the teacher you wish to suck up to. Note their behaviour when another student praises them on something—do they look pleased or do they not care? If they look pleased, remember what it was about. If they were pleased by the way someone complimented their skill in applying a spell, then flatter them in the future on the same subject; chances are they have low self-esteem in that area and thus will be more vulnerable to flattery when it is focused there. If they don’t look like they care, keep on observing. In the event of another bit of praise from a student on the same subject, observe them again. If they do nothing unusual, then most likely this is not their weak spot. But if they start to do the particular action again—showing off a bit—then you can tell that they are happy to be praised there and you’ve found a weak spot.

After you’ve found at least one “weak spot” (preferably more; it takes longer but is worth the waiting) test out the waters and praise the Professor on it. Make sure you don’t wax melodramatic—simply say “That was cool the way you did that, Professor” or “You did that pretty well!” or just simply “Neat!” Don’t start to yell “Oh my god that was the best I’ve EVER seen anyone do that charm!!” Doing so will probably make the Professor think one of two things; either you are sucking up (which you are but they’re not supposed to know) or that you’re mocking them. In the case that they think you are mocking them they may subtract points from Slytherin or even give you a detention.

Over time, express you love of the subject (once again) right before or after giving a subtle comment on something the Professor did. This will reinforce the good things about you, and multiply the effect of the flattery.

Once you’ve started to suck up to your teacher, keep a few things in mind: one, do not stop your flattery even for a second. Don’t call your Professor an ugly old bat when you’re out of class. Why? Because they might catch you. You may scorn at the thought of your feeble old Professor ever catching on to your sucking up, but think back to one of the greatest Slytherins of all time: Professor Snape. He could sneak up on anybody—a student would be whispering to their friend about how much they hated Potions class and suddenly his dark, cold voice would calmly ask “What did you call me?” He would come out of nowhere, and only when he spoke did you realize he’d heard the ENTIRE THING. Professor Snape is not the only Professor who has mastered the art of sneaking up on an unwary student—so beware! Suck up even out of the teacher’s hearing and sight—who knows when they might ask the person you’d been talking to what you thought of them. Which brings me to point two.

Chapter TEN: SUCKING UP ON THE FLY!

One of the most important forms of sucking up HAS to be sucking up on the fly. Unlike general sucking up to teachers and classmates, sucking up on the fly is done when a situation is critical and the loss of house points seems imminent. This form of sucking up should be used to get yourself or another slytherin out of trouble and prevent the loss of house points.

Sucking up on the fly is done by complementing a teacher, an opponent, and by looking extremely innocent while one does these.

COMPLEMENTING AN OPPONENT

This has to be the most fun form of sucking up because you use your opponent to get away scratch free. You will keep yourself out of trouble AND get your opponent extremely angry.

For example, let's say you are having an argument with a student named Marcus in the hall which is about to blaze into a duel. (now we all know that magic in the halls is against school rules)Just are you are about to pronounce the jellylegs spell, you hear,"What is the meaning of this!" You turn around pale-faced to see your DADA teacher has practically caught the two of you in the act.
IT IS NOW TIME TO SUCK UP, FAST!

You say,"Professor, I wasn't really going to duel. Everybody knows that Marcus is much better at spells than I am! I just raised my wand in case he tried something terrible." Followed by your best innocent look.

With any luck, the teacher should give Marcus and accusatory scowl. Now, because of the way you perfectly phrased your suck up, Marcus cannot say,"That's not true!" Because then he would be saying that it is not true that he is better at spells than you are. If he does, he'll sound ridiculous. He'll probably just stand dumbstruck and say nothing. If he does protest and you are both punished, at least you made him look dumb. Either way you win.

But chances are, your innocent story will prevail and as the professor takes Marcus away to detention, you give him your best smirk!

COMPLEMENTING A TEACHER

This is done just as easily. Lets take the same situation with Marcus: you have been caught about to duel in the halls. THIS TIME YOU QUICKLY SUCK UP TO THE TEACHER!

"I am sorry sir but Marcus was saying that the definition that I gave you for a manticore was not good and you were wrong in giving me 10 pts for it! DADA is my favourite class so I got a little hot under the collar when he said that!"

Now by lying and making up a story completely different from what you were really arguing about (who has the coolest quill) Marcus will be totally caught off guard and will be on his way to detention before he realises what happened. Never forget the element of surprise is always your friend.

Now unlike sucking up to classmates which can be done in any condition, you cannot suck up to just ANY teacher, some are quite strict and will not let themselves be cosied up to.
Use your judgement. If you know a teacher is pretty stern and doesn't welcome suck-ups, you got to get to this teacher idirectly by sucking up to the school. HERE’S AN EXAMPLE...

given the same example with Marcus again you tell the teacher,

"I am sorry sir, but Marcus said he was going to venture into the forbidden forest after dinner and I told him this was dangerous and I would tell and he threatened to turn me into a pincushion. I was raising my wand in defence." Look innocent.

Do you see how brilliantly you can use 'school rules' to suck up.

THE INNOCENT LOOK

very important, you must look truthful. Now it's not a sarcastic innocence like we slytherins are sooo good at doing. It must be a perfectly innocent look. You must look like you were not up to anything wrong, you wouldn't DREAM of doing anything wrong, you have never done anything wrong in your life!

Good luck