The Show Must Go On

(No one is currently on the stage. It has been clumsily decorated with trees drawn on butcher paper that appear to have small purple and pink bunnies nesting in them. This is the work of the self-appointed Set Designer, CRABBE. Enter DRACO. He is as yet untouched by HERMIONE the Mad Costumer. He lacks both wings and glitter.)

DRACO: I wonder if Titania be awaked;
Then, what it was that next came in her eye,
Which she must dote on in extremity.

(Enter HARRY. This time he has not escaped the attentions of Mad Costumer HERMIONE. Golden glitter is in his hair, and he sports a pair of green butterfly wings the exact shade of his eyes)

HARRY: My mistress with a monster is in love.
Near to her close and consecrated bower,
While she was in her dull and sleeping hour,
A crew of patches, rude mechanicals,
That work for bread upon Athenian stalls,
Were met together to rehearse a play
Intended for great Theseus' nuptial-day.

HERMIONE: (malicious) Seamus and Colin, sitting in a tree....

DEAN: [starry-eyed] Hermione, I like it when you're mean.

(She frowns at him, then beckons to GOYLE. He seems to be large enough that he doesn�t really notice PANSY cuddling one of his arms)

HERMIONE: (sweetly) He needs to be onstage soon, Greg. Unconscious. Take care of it for me, would you?

GOYLE: Sure, 'Mione.

SEAMUS: Oh, how sweet. He's gong to bap Dean on the head for y- NO! I refuse to let you! And you're lying, Hermione! He doesn�t either need to be unconscious!

DEAN: Why don't you bap me on the head yourself, Hermione? I wouldn't mind....

HERMIONE: Bap yourself on the head and leave me alone.

HARRY: The shallowest thick-skin of that barren sort,
Who Pyramus presented, in their sport
Forsook his scene and enter'd in a brake
When I did him at this advantage take,
An ass's nole I fixed on his head:

LOCKHART: (thinking) All right. Ass's head. So... Mr. Goyle's new head in no way resembles a donkey, therefore... what? What am I missing?

SNAPE: Keep thinking about it. If I'm lucky, your head will explode.

LOCKHART: Oh, no. That would be horrible... brain gunk would not go with this sweater.

SNAPE: No, I suppose it wouldn- No! I will not sink to your level.

LOCKHART: Does that mean I�ll have to rise to the occasion?

SNAPE: Shut up. Just shut up.

LOCKHART: Make me.

SNAPE: Don�t tempt me.

LOCKHART: (insincerely) Ooh, now I�m really scared.

HARRY: Anon his Thisbe must be answered,
And forth my mimic comes. When they him spy,
As wild geese that the creeping fowler eye,
Or russet-pated choughs, many in sort,
Rising and cawing at the gun's report,
Sever themselves and madly sweep the sky,
So, at his sight, away his fellows fly;
And, at our stamp, here o'er and o'er one falls;
He murder cries and help from Athens calls.

COLIN: (leafing through a script) That�s not in here anywhere.

HERMIONE: You have the wrong play, you moron! I�m gonna... I�m... I�m... I�m going to make your costume!

(COLIN whimpers and runs off to hide behind CRABBE, who doesn�t notice him)

SEAMUS: (impressed) Hermione the berserk costumer. Who�da thought it?

RON: (dryly) Anyone who knows her?

HARRY: Their sense thus weak, lost with their fears thus strong,
Made senseless things begin to do them wrong;
For briers and thorns at their apparel snatch;
Some sleeves, some hats, from yielders all things catch.
I led them on in this distracted fear,
And left sweet Pyramus translated there:
When in that moment, so it came to pass,
Titania waked and straightway loved an ass.

SEAMUS: (blankly) And that's funny? I guess you had to be there.

NEVILLE: You were there, Seamus. Even I remember that. Are you feeling okay?

SEAMUS: I think so.... (worried) Test me, Nev, go on.

NEVILLE: Chocolate sauce and handcuffs.

SEAMUS: Oooh... picture....

NEVILLE: You�re fine.

DRACO: This falls out better than I could devise.
But hast thou yet latch'd the Athenian's eyes
With the love-juice, as I did bid thee do?

HERMIONE: You two are both so dead after rehearsal. I don't care how pretty you are in your makeup, Harry, I'll kill you. You were only supposed to use it on P-

LOCKHART: (in that annoying I-already-know-but-I�m-going-to-make-you-tell-me-anyway tone) Use what on who, Miss Granger?

SNAPE: (sighs) You've been checking books out from the library again, haven't you, Granger? Well, this is going to be a headache.

LOCKHART: (sweetly) I'll rub your temples for you, Severus.

SNAPE: No!

LOCKHART: You'd prefer the tacky pink scarf?

SNAPE: Ye- The what?

LOCKHART: Oh. Wait. That's the other play, isn't it.

SNAPE: If I ignore you, will you go away?

LOCKHART: Never.

SNAPE: I was afraid of that.

HARRY: I took him sleeping,--that is finish'd too,-- And the Athenian woman by his side: That, when he waked, of force she must be eyed.

(Enter GINNY and RON)

DRACO: Stand close: this is the same Athenian.

HARRY: This is the woman, but not this the man.

SEAMUS: Oops.

RON: O, why rebuke you him that loves you so?
Lay breath so bitter on your bitter foe.

SEAMUS: Ever seen her make toast? (He mimes breathing fire on each side of a piece of bread)

GINNY: Now I but chide; but I should use thee worse,
For thou, I fear, hast given me cause to curse,
If thou hast slain Lysander in his sleep,
Being o'er shoes in blood, plunge in the deep,
And kill me too.

SEAMUS: Yes, do. It�ll shut her up.

GINNY: The sun was not so true unto the day
As he to me: would he have stolen away
From sleeping Hermia?

SEAMUS: Hmmm... our exclusive exit poll has produced a majority result of, �Well, duh.�

HERMIONE: (blinks) I know I�m going to regret asking this, but... what was the minority result?

SEAMUS: �Mind your own business, you nosy bastard.�

HERMIONE: Thought so.

GINNY: I'll believe as soon
This whole earth may be bored and that the moon
May through the centre creep and so displease
Her brother's noontide with Antipodes.
It cannot be but thou hast murder'd him;
So should a murderer look, so dead, so grim.

(DRACO and HARRY start keeping score on pieces of butcher paper labeled �Hermia� and �Demetrius�. HARRY marks one on the Hermia sheet)

RON: So should the murder'd look, and so should I,
Pierced through the heart with your stern cruelty:
Yet you, the murderer, look as bright, as clear,
As yonder Venus in her glimmering sphere.

SNAPE: Is he flirting with his sister, Lockhart?

LOCKHART: No, it�s acting.

SNAPE: And you assigned parts, did you?

LOCKHART: I did. It�s worked out fairly well so far, I think.

SNAPE: Then why didn�t you put Weasley in a different part?

LOCKHART: (thoughtfully) You know, I don�t know. I suppose it was just too easy.

SNAPE: I�d just as soon you didn�t explain that statement.

LOCKHART: Did you say something?

GINNY: What's this to my Lysander? where is he?
Ah, good Demetrius, wilt thou give him me?

HERMIONE: (snarling) I�ll give him to you... Dean Thomas, you stop following me this instant or I�ll have Greg pound you into the ground!

DEAN: (starry-eyed) I love you when you threaten me, Hermione.

RON: I had rather give his carcass to my hounds.

HERMIONE: Hear, hear!

GINNY: (overly tragic. Her quality of acting is roughly comparable to the worst soap opera actress) Out, dog! out, cur! thou drivest me past the bounds
Of maiden's patience. Hast thou slain him, then?

SEAMUS: No, he�s just resting.

GINNY: Henceforth be never number'd among men!
O, once tell true, tell true, even for my sake!
Durst thou have look'd upon him being awake,
And hast thou kill'd him sleeping? O brave touch!
Could not a worm, an adder, do so much?
An adder did it; for with doubler tongue
Than thine, thou serpent, never adder stung.

SEAMUS: Did you just say something? Was that a threat? Hermione, that�s what you should be like. Whips and smiting... any minute now... come on, any minute....

RON: You spend your passion on a misprised mood:
I am not guilty of Lysander's blood;
Nor is he dead, for aught that I can tell.

NEVILLE: It�s a secret.

SNAPE: Wonderful. Now Longbottom�s commenting.

LOCKHART: At least he�s not still fainting and throwing up.

SNAPE: (snappishly) No, that comes next.

GINNY: I pray thee, tell me then that he is well.

RON: An if I could, what should I get therefore?

SEAMUS: A shiny sixpence.

NEVILLE: (wistfully) I�d like to have Bobo back....

GINNY: A privilege never to see me more.
And from thy hated presence part I so:
See me no more, whether he be dead or no.

(Exit GINNY, in a huff)

HARRY: (in spite of the fact that he�s onstage) So neener neener neener.

RON: There is no following her in this fierce vein:
Here therefore for a while I will remain.
So sorrow's heaviness doth heavier grow
For debt that bankrupt sleep doth sorrow owe:
Which now in some slight measure it will pay,
If for his tender here I make some stay.

(RON lies down on the stage, pretends to be asleep. HARRY and DRACO approach him and look him over. HARRY prods the prone RON with his foot.)

DRACO: What hast thou done? thou hast mistaken quite
And laid the love-juice on some true-love's sight:

SEAMUS: You think?

DRACO: Of thy misprision must perforce ensue
Some true love turn'd and not a false turn'd true.

DEAN: Hermione, I love the way you glare at me like you want me dead.

HARRY: (stifling laughter) Then fate o'er-rules, that, one man holding troth,
A million fail, confounding oath on oath.

DRACO: About the wood go swifter than the wind,
And Helena of Athens look thou find:
All fancy-sick she is and pale of cheer,

GINNY: Hermione, are you fancy-sick?

HERMIONE: (blushing) No!

GINNY: What about �pale of cheer�?

HERMIONE: No! (maliciously) Ginny, I have your costume made... come here for a moment....

DRACO: With sighs of love, that costs the fresh blood dear:
By some illusion see thou bring her here:
I'll charm his eyes against she do appear.

HARRY: I go, I go; look how I go,
Swifter than arrow from the Tartar's bow.

SEAMUS: That�s fast, right?

(Exit HARRY, who catches sight of GINNY in her costume and nearly falls over laughing)

GINNY: What? What�s wrong?

HARRY: (innocently) Oh, nothing. Nothing. Hermione just... er... outdid herself this time, that�s all.

(DRACO kneels by Ron�s side and brings out the purple funnel flower as well as the vial, which is getting dangerously low on fluid)

HERMIONE: No! No more of that wretched stuff! I�m sorry I ever let you lot convince me it was a good idea!

NEVILLE: Well, it is a good idea. I mean, Pansy wouldn�t have acted her part at all without it....

HERMIONE: (crossly) She didn�t act. And don�t think I�ve forgotten that it was all your idea, Neville.

DRACO: (ignoring them both) Flower of this purple dye,
Hit with Cupid's archery,
Sink in apple of his eye.
When his love he doth espy,
Let her shine as gloriously
As the Venus of the sky.
When thou wakest, if she be by,
Beg of her for remedy.

(Drips RON with the clear liquid. Re-enter HARRY, still glittered and green-winged, as well as stifling snickers. He takes hold of DRACO�s hand and points offstage with the other.)

HARRY: Captain of our fairy band,
Helena is here at hand;
And the youth, mistook by me,
Pleading for a lover's fee.
Shall we their fond pageant see?
Lord, what fools these mortals be!

DRACO: (laying a finger on HARRY�s lips as a shushing gesture) Stand aside: the noise they make
Will cause Demetrius to awake.

HARRY: (grinning in anticipation) Then will two at once woo one;
That must needs be sport alone;
And those things do best please me
That befal preposterously.

SEAMUS: Has it occurred to anyone that they�re enjoying this way too much?

NEVILLE: (innocently) No. I think you�re imagining things. Besides, aren�t you?

SEAMUS: ...Can�t really argue with you there.

(Enter DEAN and HERMIONE. DEAN has forgotten his script offstage. DEAN is dressed in a toga of sorts; basically just a bedsheet wrapped around him and fastened with safety pins. HERMIONE�s is really quite nice, amber-colored and wrapped in proper Roman style with a slightly darker ribbon)

DEAN: Why don't you believe me, Hermione? The whole world revolves around you! I never want anyone else tying me to chairs or smacking me in the face or speaking in iambic pentameter to me!

HERMIONE: (ignoring that he hasn't given her a proper line) You do advance your cunning more and more.
When truth kills truth, O devilish-holy fray!
These vows are Hermia's: will you give her o'er?
Weigh oath with oath, and you will nothing weigh:
Your vows to her and me, put in two scales,
Will even weigh, and both as light as tales.

SEAMUS: Huh?

DEAN: I didn't mean it! I was lying! Please, Hermione, everyone makes mistakes-

HERMIONE: (still from her script) Nor none, in my mind, now you give her o'er.

DEAN: Ginny's got Ron and her family! I love you, not her!

(Offstage, GINNY bursts into tears. HERMIONE slaps DEAN in the face, dropping her script. COLIN, in a frenzied attempt to get an unblemished and correct script, tries to grab it. HERMIONE kicks him off the front of the stage, where he lands in a twitching heap)

LOCKHART: Ooh. That had to hurt.

COLIN: Yeah.

LOCKHART: At least you weren't wearing your camera.

COLIN: (picking himself up) Yeah.

LOCKHART: It would've gotten broken. Hm. You'd better get back onstage. Mr. Finnegan seems to be trying to get your attention.

(SEAMUS, playing with NEVILLE�s handcuffs, looks up at the sound of his name. COLIN goes white and dashes under the stage)

COLIN: Noo! Don't let him, don't let him, I'll never try to steal Hermione's script again....

SNAPE: (impressed) That was just... sadistic, Lockhart.

LOCKHART: (brightly) Thank you!

SNAPE: I have a feeling I�m going to regret saying that.

(RON opens his eyes, sits up, and sees HERMIONE. He continues to read from his script, unlike either the lovestruck DEAN or PANSY, but the declaration of his love is as slobbery as Shakespeare undoubtedly meant it to be)

RON: O Helena, goddess, nymph, perfect, divine!
To what, my love, shall I compare thine eyne?
Crystal is muddy. O, how ripe in show
Thy lips, those kissing cherries, tempting grow!
That pure congealed white, high Taurus snow,
Fann'd with the eastern wind, turns to a crow
When thou hold'st up thy hand: O, let me kiss
This princess of pure white, this seal of bliss!

(DRACO and HARRY exchange confused glances)

HARRY: (whispering) It�s not really that strong, is it?

DRACO: (also whispering) No, it isn�t. It�s just supposed to be a puppy crush, wears off in a couple hours.

HARRY: (smirks) Ha. Got him.

(DRACO shrugs in response, and they return their attention to the messed-up love triangle)

HERMIONE: O spite! O hell!

SEAMUS: Yes! Finally! Whips! Smiting!

NEVILLE: Not quite, Seamus.

HERMIONE: I see you all are bent
To set against me for your merriment:
If you were civil and knew courtesy,
You would not do me thus much injury.
Can you not hate me, as I know you do,
But you must join in souls to mock me too?

SEAMUS: It�s not as funny otherwise.

HERMIONE: If you were men, as men you are in show,
You would not use a gentle lady so;
To vow, and swear, and superpraise my parts,
When I am sure you hate me with your hearts.
You both are rivals, and love Hermia;
And now both rivals, to mock Helena:

SEAMUS: She has an ego, doesn�t she?

NEVILLE: Excuse me?

SEAMUS: Well, obviously she believes they care enough to put away mortal hatred in order to tease her and make her cry, right?

NEVILLE: (thoughtfully) Oh, is that it? I thought it was the-

(SEAMUS darts a quick look at LOCKHART and SNAPE, then expertly gags NEVILLE)

SEAMUS: Sorry, Nev. I don�t need detention.

NEVILLE: Mhhmm.

HERMIONE: A trim exploit, a manly enterprise,
To conjure tears up in a poor maid's eyes
With your derision! none of noble sort
Would so offend a virgin, and extort
A poor soul's patience, all to make you sport.

SEAMUS: ... Now everyone�s in love with Hermione! What�s up with that?

(SEAMUS receives twin glares from DRACO and HARRY)

SEAMUS: All right. You two aren�t. I got the point.

NEVILLE: In fact, only Dean and Ron are in love with Hermione.

SEAMUS: Dean is not!

NEVILLE: Whatever you say, Seamus.

DEAN: Hey! Ron, you jerk, she�s mine! I love Hermione!

NEVILLE: See?

HERMIONE: (angry) Never did mockers waste more idle breath.

RON: Lysander, keep thy Hermia-

CHORUS FROM OFFSTAGE: Please!

RON: I will none: If e'er I loved her, all that love is gone.
My heart to her but as guest-wise sojourn'd,
And now to Helen is it home return'd,
There to remain.

DEAN: (desperate)

RON: Disparage not the faith thou dost not know,
Lest, to thy peril, thou aby it dear.
Look, where thy love comes; yonder is thy dear.

DRACO: (whispering to HARRY) He�s a better actor when he�s slobbery.

HARRY: You�re sure that stuff wears off?

DRACO: I didn�t make it, so no. I�m not sure.

HARRY: This could get very very bad.

DRACO: I warned her she was doing it wrong.

(RON points offstage as GINNY enters for the first time since getting her new costume. She is dressed entirely in a frilly, floaty, Pepto-Bismol pink dress and looks like an overstuffed decorative pillow.)

LOCKHART: (winces) A little more work on that costume will be necessary, Miss Granger. People with red hair should not wear that shade of pink.

GINNY: Dark night, that from the eye his function takes,
The ear more quick of apprehension makes;
Wherein it doth impair the seeing sense,
It pays the hearing double recompense.
Thou art not by mine eye, Lysander, found;
Mine ear, I thank it, brought me to thy sound
But why unkindly didst thou leave me so?

DEAN: Get lost, twerp.

GINNY: (desperately) What love could press Lysander from my side?

DEAN: I love Hermione. Love, love, LOVE. And I couldn�t stand being around you any more, so I�ll say it one more time. Get. Lost.

GINNY: You speak not as you think: it cannot be.

HERMIONE: Lo, she is one of this confederacy!
Now I perceive they have conjoin'd all three
To fashion this false sport, in spite of me.

SEAMUS: The ego has landed....

HERMIONE: Injurious Hermia! most ungrateful maid!
Have you conspired, have you with these contrived
To bait me with this foul derision?
Is all the counsel that we two have shared,
The sisters' vows, the hours that we have spent,
When we have chid the hasty-footed time

NEVILLE: Chid?

HERMIONE: For parting us,--O, is it all forgot?
All school-days' friendship, childhood innocence?
We, Hermia, like two artificial gods,
Have with our needles created both one flower,
Both on one sampler, sitting on one cushion,
Both warbling of one song, both in one key,
As if our hands, our sides, voices and minds,
Had been incorporate. So we grow together,
Like to a double cherry, seeming parted,
But yet an union in partition;

SEAMUS: (starry-eyed) Oooh... add chocolate sauce... now that is a picture....

NEVILLE: looks disgusted and fwaps him in the head) Now that is sick.

HERMIONE: Two lovely berries moulded on one stem;
So, with two seeming bodies, but one heart;
Two of the first, like coats in heraldry,
Due but to one and crowned with one crest.
And will you rent our ancient love asunder,
To join with men in scorning your poor friend?

SEAMUS: When you put it that way... Ginny, listen to Hermione!

HERMIONE: It is not friendly, 'tis not maidenly:
Our sex, as well as I, may chide you for it,
Though I alone do feel the injury.

HARRY & DRACO: (simultaneously to each other) Pink scarf.

GINNY: (too distressed) I am amazed at your passionate words.
I scorn you not: it seems that you scorn me.

NEVILLE: (sympathetically) It�s the dress.

(At this point, CRABBE, who has been working on �scenery� comes onstage and starts pasting up forest pictures. These pictures are very heavy on smiley faces, bunnies, kittens, puppies, and for some reason known only to him, an espresso stand)

HERMIONE: Have you not set Lysander, as in scorn,
To follow me and praise my eyes and face?

GOYLE: confused) No.

HERMIONE: And made your other love, Demetrius,
Who even but now did spurn me with his foot,
To call me goddess, nymph, divine and rare,
Precious, celestial?

GOYLE: Two strikes.

HARRY: (to DRACO) How does he know that? That�s baseball, isn�t it?

DRACO: (shrugs) How should I know? He takes Muggle Studies.

HARRY: And he passes?

DRACO: I assume so.

HERMIONE: Wherefore speaks he this
To her he hates? and wherefore doth Lysander
Deny your love, so rich within his soul,
And tender me, forsooth, affection,
But by your setting on, by your consent?

COLIN: (woozily, under the stage) There�s that clear stuff, Hermione, remember?

HERMIONE: What though I be not so in grace as you,
So hung upon with love, so fortunate,
But miserable most, to love unloved?
This you should pity rather than despise.

GINNY: I understand not what you mean by this.

SEAMUS: Awww! She sounds like Colin!

NEVILLE: Is he still under the stage?

(NEVILLE goes under the stage after COLIN)

HERMIONE: Ay, do, persever, counterfeit sad looks,
Make mouths upon me when I turn my back;

SEAMUS: (starry-eyed) Yes! Do that!

(NEVILLE returns to backstage, helping COLIN, who still looks somewhat dazed)

NEVILLE: She means make faces at her, Seamus.

SEAMUS: Did you have to ruin the fantasy? I don�t ruin your fantasies, do I?

NEVILLE: (dryly) You�d be surprised.

HERMIONE: (ignoring them) Wink each at other; hold the sweet jest up:
This sport, well carried, shall be chronicled.
If you have any pity, grace, or manners,
You would not make me such an argument.
But fare ye well: 'tis partly my own fault;
Which death or absence soon shall remedy.

DEAN: Don�t go! I�ll do anything, just don�t go!

HERMIONE: O excellent!

GINNY: Sweet, do not scorn her so.

SEAMUS: Scorn her some other way, she�s on to us.

RON: (brandishing his wand) If she cannot entreat, I can compel.

LOCKHART: Ah. Here we are at the fun part. You may want to be ready to run and hide, Severus.

SNAPE: (scornfully) I can handle anything a student can throw at me.

LOCKHART: (shrugs) It�s your funeral. I�ll bring flowers.

SNAPE: (mocking) Will you cry?

LOCKHART: Oh good lord, no. It ruins my complexion. Makes me all blotchy.

[HARRY and DRACO look at each other, then at LOCKHART and SNAPE, then at their Hermia and Demetrius scoresheets. As one, they cross off �Hermia� and �Demetrius� and write down �Lockhart� and �Snape�. DRACO is keeping track for SNAPE, HARRY is keeping track for LOCKHART]

DEAN: (to RON) You can�t make me leave. I�m staying right here.

DEAN sits on the ground at HERMIONE�s feet. She takes the opportunity to kick him a few times)

NEVILLE: Hermione, I want a turn!

SEAMUS: No! No one abuses Dean any more!

NEVILLE: Except you?

SEAMUS: (loftily) I am the exception to all of those rules.

NEVILLE: I�m sure you are.

RON: (to HERMIONE, who actually seems flattered that he�s paying attention to her) I say I love thee more than he can do.

DEAN: (leaps back to his feet and pulls out his own wand) Prove it, you... you... git!

RON: Quick, come!

GINNY: (confused and crying; tears run down her face and ruin the too-heavy eye makeup Mad Costumer HERMIONE put on her) Lysander, whereto tends all this?

(GINNY runs over to DEAN and clings to his wand arm, refusing to let go, even though he�s trying furiously to shake her off)

DEAN: Didn�t I tell you to get lost?

RON: (laughing) No, no. He'll
Seem to break loose; take on as you would follow,
But yet come not: you are a tameman, go!

COLIN: (to NEVILLE, whom he is clinging to like a leech) What�s he talking about? I don�t understand.

NEVILLE: He�s mocking Dean and cheering Ginny on.

COLIN: (thinks for a minute) Oh. Good.

DEAN: (to GINNY) Get off me! I�m going to throw you right off the stage, see if I don�t!

GINNY: [huge streaks of makeup stripe her face now] Why are you grown so rude? what change is this?
Sweet love,--

DEAN: I don�t love you! Now get off!

SEAMUS: (mournfully) That�s not likely at this point.

COLIN: (still clinging to NEVILLE) You are a sick person. Sick, sick, sick.

NEVILLE: If you go off the front of the stage again, I�m not helping you.

COLIN: (immediately) I�ll behave.

GINNY: Do you not jest?

HERMIONE: Yes, sooth; and so do you.

SEAMUS: April Fools!

COLIN: But it�s not April....

NEVILLE: (gagging COLIN) Hush.

COLIN: Ngaai.

DEAN: (still trying to shake GINNY off) I am coming to get you, Ron.

RON: (mocking) I would I had your bond, for I perceive
A weak bond holds you: I'll not trust your word.

DEAN: (loftily) I don�t hit girls, Ron Weasley, thank you very much.

GINNY: What, can you do me greater harm than hate?
Hate me! wherefore? O me! what news, my love!
Am not I Hermia? are not you Lysander?

COLIN: n! yrjnyntsdeen! rmbr?

GINNY: I am as fair now as I was erewhile.

SEAMUS: Riight. Go look in a mirror, sweetheart.

GINNY: Since night you loved me; yet since night you left me:
Why, then you left me--O, the gods forbid!--
In earnest, shall I say?

DEAN: Ay, by my life;
And never did desire to see thee more.
Therefore be out of hope, of question, of doubt;
Be certain, nothing truer; 'tis no jest
That I do hate thee and love Helena.

NEVILLE: (to SEAMUS) Flighty, isn�t he?

SEAMUS: That�s what handcuffs are for.

GINNY: (to HERMIONE, shrieking in fury) O me! you juggler! you canker-blossom!
You thief of love! what, have you come by night
And stolen my love's heart from him?

HERMIONE: (equally furious. She�s finally getting to vent) Fine, i'faith!
Have you no modesty, no maiden shame,
No touch of bashfulness? What, will you tear
Impatient answers from my gentle tongue?
Fie, fie! you counterfeit, you puppet, you!

(HARRY and DRACO prudently take cover behind some bunny-ridden scenery)

GINNY: Puppet? why so? ay, that way goes the game.
Now I perceive that she hath made compare
Between our statures; she hath urged her height;
And with her personage, her tall personage,
Her height, forsooth, she hath prevail'd with him.

SEAMUS: Well, that�s true... Dean does prefer tall people....

NEVILLE: I think I see where your problems are then, Seamus.

SEAMUS: You shut up.

GINNY: And are you grown so high in his esteem;
Because I am so dwarfish and so low?
How low am I, thou painted maypole? speak;
How low am I? I am not yet so low
But that my nails can reach unto thine eyes.

(GINNY lunges for HERMIONE, nails outstretched. She is taking the play entirely too seriously)

SNAPE: (professorial) Shouldn�t we separate them? It would disrupt the rehearsal if we had to send the two main actresses to the hospital wing.

LOCKHART: No, they�re fine. (sweetly) But it�s so professional of you to be concerned.

(SNAPE refuses to answer)

(HERMIONE, far from running and hiding behind DEAN and RON like her script tells her, slaps GINNY across the face. Obviously, she�s not about to waste her chance to express her anger)

HERMIONE: I pray you, though you mock me, gentlemen,
Let her not hurt me: I was never curst;
I have no gift at all in shrewishness;
I am a right maid for my cowardice:
Let her not strike me.

NEVILLE: We�ll just ignore that you�re hitting her, is that what you�re saying?

HERMIONE: You perhaps may think,
Because she is something lower than myself,
That I can match her.

GINNY: Lower! hark, again.

(GINNY flails around inefficiently, though she manages to land a slap and a kick on HERMIONE)

SEAMUS: Girl fight!

HERMIONE: Good Hermia, do not be so bitter with me.
I evermore did love you, Hermia, (slaps GINNY)
Did ever keep your counsels, never wrong'd you;
Save that, in love unto Demetrius,
I told him of your stealth unto this wood.
He follow'd you; for love I follow'd him; (hooks GINNY�s leg and knocks her down)
But he hath chid me hence and threaten'd me
To strike me, spurn me, nay, to kill me too:
And now, so you will let me quiet go,
(kneels on GINNY�s back and jerks her head up so that she is looking offstage, then says quietly in her ear)
To Athens will I bear my folly back
And follow you no further: let me go:
You see how simple and how fond I am.

NEVILLE: We certainly do, Hermione. Bruises and a concussion.

(In a truly remarkable move, GINNY kicks backwards, landing a hit on HERMIONE�s back, then rolls away. Both comabatants face each other at center stage. DEAN is watching HERMIONE, starry-eyed. RON is watching both, looking impressed at HERMIONE and worried at GINNY)

GINNY: Why, get you gone: who is't that hinders you?

HERMIONE: A foolish heart, that I leave here behind.

GINNY: What, with Lysander?

HERMIONE: (sneaks a glance at RON) With Demetrius.

DEAN: I won�t let her hurt you, Hermione!

RON: No, sir, she shall not, though you take her part.

(HERMIONE decides at this late time to follow the script and goes to �hide� behind RON. She peeks out over his right shoulder)

HERMIONE: O, when she's angry, she is keen and shrewd!
She was a vixen when she went to school;
And though she be but little, she is fierce.

GINNY: 'Little' again! nothing but 'low' and 'little'!
Why will you suffer her to flout me thus?
Let me come to her.

DEAN: (gives her a push towards backstage) Get lost, twerp.

RON: (protectively putting his left arm behind him and around HERMIONE) You are too officious
In her behalf that scorns your services.
Let her alone: speak not of Helena;
Take not her part; for, if thou dost intend
Never so little show of love to her,
Thou shalt aby it.

DEAN: Well, now that she�s not playing leech, let�s do it. I�ll show you, Ron Weasley! Follow me!

RON: Follow! nay, I'll go with thee, cheek by jole.

(Exit RON and DEAN. NEVILLE and SEAMUS are prepared for them, though, and handcuff their hands behind their backs)

NEVILLE: There. All safe.

SEAMUS: (sort of to DEAN) It�ll wear off. It�ll wear off. Don�t worry, you�ll be fine in a little bit....

GINNY: (bitterly) You, mistress, all this coil is 'long of you:
Nay, go not back.

HERMIONE: I will not trust you, I,
Nor longer stay in your curst company.
Your hands than mine are quicker for a fray,
My legs are longer though, to run away.

(HERMIONE runs offstage. When she sees that RON is handcuffed, she glares at NEVILLE and SEAMUS (who smile innocently), and unlocks the handcuffs)

HERMIONE: Sorry.

RON: S�okay. You�re a really good actress, you know.

HERMIONE: (glowing) Thanks!

GINNY: I am amazed, and know not what to say.

(Exit GINNY. She doesn�t bother to go offstage, just wanders back to join CRABBE, who has decided that forests should have horses. Of course, he�s also decided that said horses are pink. DRACO and HARRY vacate their cover as soon as she gets near them)

DRACO: (sternly, taking HARRY�s face in his hands) This is thy negligence: still thou mistakest,
Or else committ'st thy knaveries wilfully.

HARRY: (smiling, tone insincere) Believe me, king of shadows, I mistook.
Did not you tell me I should know the man
By the Athenian garment be had on?
And so far blameless proves my enterprise,
That I have 'nointed an Athenian's eyes;
And so far am I glad it so did sort
As this their jangling I esteem a sport.

DRACO: Thou see'st these lovers seek a place to fight:
Hie therefore, Robin, overcast the night;
The starry welkin cover thou anon
With drooping fog as black as Acheron,
And lead these testy rivals so astray
As one come not within another's way.
Like to Lysander sometime frame thy tongue,
Then stir Demetrius up with bitter wrong;
And sometime rail thou like Demetrius;
And from each other look thou lead them thus,
Till o'er their brows death-counterfeiting sleep
With leaden legs and batty wings doth creep:
Then crush this herb into Lysander's eye;
Whose liquor hath this virtuous property,
To take from thence all error with his might,
And make his eyeballs roll with wonted sight.

SEAMUS: His eyes roll? Ewww... wait. It�ll fix Dean? Harry, do as you�re told!

DRACO: When they next wake, all this derision
Shall seem a dream and fruitless vision,
And back to Athens shall the lovers wend,
With league whose date till death shall never end.
Whiles I in this affair do thee employ,
I'll to my queen and beg her Indian boy;
And then I will her charmed eye release
From monster's view, and all things shall be peace.

HARRY: (nods) My fairy lord, this must be done with haste,
For night's swift dragons cut the clouds full fast,
And yonder shines Aurora's harbinger;
At whose approach, ghosts, wandering here and there,
Troop home to churchyards: damned spirits all,
That in crossways and floods have burial,
Already to their wormy beds are gone;
For fear lest day should look their shames upon,
They willfully themselves exile from light
And must for aye consort with black-brow'd night.

SEAMUS: (really watching the stage instead of fussing over DEAN) Whoa! Should we be seeing this? I can practically hear the detention being given to you two....

NEVILLE: (insinuating) What, no �picture�?

SEAMUS: Uh... no.

NEVILLE: Chocolate sauce.

SEAMUS: (blinks. Shakes his head. Blinks again, but doesn�t quite go cross-eyed) Gee, thanks, Nev. Like I really needed that picture. I�ll probably have nightmares for weeks.

NEVILLE: Serves you right.

DRACO: (oblivious to the remarks offstage) But we are spirits of another sort:
I with the morning's love have oft made sport,
And, like a forester, the groves may tread,
Even till the eastern gate, all fiery-red,
Opening on Neptune with fair blessed beams,
Turns into yellow gold his salt green streams.
But, notwithstanding, haste; make no delay:
We may effect this business yet ere day.

RON: (protesting) That wasn�t in the script! Hermione, get on his case! That wasn�t in the script!

HERMIONE: (teary-eyed, mushy) Shut up, Ron.

RON: Mr. Lockhart! Get on his case! You�re the director, aren�t you?

LOCKHART: I�m here strictly for amusement purposes, Mr. Weasley. I�ll involve myself when I choose to.

SNAPE: (impressed, but trying to hide it) What kind of director are you?

LOCKHART: The laissez-faire kind.

HERMIONE: (crossly) That�s economic theory!

LOCKHART: That�s what you think. Besides, it�s agreeing with you right now, so don�t complain.

HARRY: (sing-song, grinning like an idiot) Up and down, up and down,
I will lead them up and down:
I am fear'd in field and town:
Goblin, lead them up and down.
(brightly) Here comes one.

RON: Harry, you�re too perky. Can�t you act at least a little traumatized? Malfoy just kissed you.

DRACO: (amused) You�ve been living in a closet, haven�t you, Weasley?

RON: Huh?

HERMIONE: Never mind. I�ll explain it to you later.

(NEVILLE undoes DEAN�s handcuffs, then whispers in his ear for a second or two. DEAN pales, then nods furiously. He picks up his script and immediately leafs through to the right place)

NEVILLE: (warmly) I�m glad we understand each other, Dean.

)Re-enter DEAN, pretending like he can�t see HARRY bouncing around the stage in green butterfly wings and gold glitter)

DEAN: Where art thou, proud Demetrius? speak thou now.

HARRY: [not bothering to imitate RON] Here, villain; drawn and ready. Where art thou?

DEAN: I will be with thee straight.

HARRY: Follow me, then,
To plainer ground.

(Exit DEAN, directly across the stage from where he entered. Once offstage, he stops, looks around, then shakes his head.)

DEAN: Whoa. That was weird... Harry? After we�re through here, you and I need to have a little talk....

DRACO: I don�t think so.

DEAN: Who asked you?

DRACO: (smiles unpleasantly) No one, really... but that�s not going to get in my way.

LOCKHART: (to NEVILLE, ignoring DEAN) Well done, Mr. Longbottom. Encouraging one�s fellow cast members and all that.

SNAPE: You honestly think he encouraged Thomas?

LOCKHART: (piously) Well, what else would he have done?

SNAPE: I give up.

LOCKHART: Oh, good. One for my side.

HERMIONE: (to DRACO) Snape just can�t win, can he?

DRACO: Doesn�t look that way, does it.

(Re-enter RON, looking around, but also ignoring the bouncy HARRY)

RON: Lysander! speak again:
Thou runaway, thou coward, art thou fled?
Speak! In some bush? Where dost thou hide thy head?

HARRY: (standing right behind him) Thou coward, art thou bragging to the stars,
Telling the bushes that thou look'st for wars,
And wilt not come? Come, recreant; come, thou child;
I'll whip thee with a rod: he is defiled
That draws a sword on thee.

SEAMUS: Besides, we don�t have a sword. All we have is this bent paperclip I found.

RON: Yea, art thou there?

HARRY: Follow my voice: we'll try no manhood here.

(Exit both HARRY and RON. Re-enter DEAN, who looks dazed and shakes his head occasionally)

DEAN: He goes before me and still dares me on:
When I come where he calls, then he is gone.
The villain is much lighter-heel'd than I:
I follow'd fast, but faster he did fly;
That fallen am I in dark uneven way,
And here will rest me.
(Lies down)
Come, thou gentle day!
For if but once thou show me thy grey light,
I'll find Demetrius and revenge this spite.

(DEAN curls into a nearly-fetal position, obviously pretending to be asleep. Re-enter HARRY and RON. RON is now wearing a white toga of much better quality than DEAN�s: i.e., you can�t see the safety pins, and he has a Roman wreath on his head)

HARRY: Ho, ho, ho! Coward, why comest thou not?

RON: Abide me, if thou darest; for well I wot
Thou runn'st before me, shifting every place,
And darest not stand, nor look me in the face.
Where art thou now?

HARRY: Come hither: I am here.

RON: Nay, then, thou mock'st me. Thou shalt buy this dear,
If ever I thy face by daylight see:
Now, go thy way. Faintness constraineth me
To measure out my length on this cold bed.
By day's approach look to be visited.

SEAMUS: Sure. If I know my enemy�s close enough to chat with, I�m certainly going to lay down and sleep.

(RON ignore SEAMUS and lies down onstage, on his back. Re-enter HERMIONE, with a wreath on her head also)

HERMIONE: O weary night, O long and tedious night,
Abate thy hour! Shine comforts from the east,
That I may back to Athens by daylight,
From these that my poor company detest:
And sleep, that sometimes shuts up sorrow's eye,
Steal me awhile from mine own company.

(She lies down, using RON as a pillow)

HARRY: Yet but three? Come one more;
Two of both kinds make up four.
Here she comes, curst and sad:
Cupid is a knavish lad,
Thus to make poor females mad.

(Re-enter GINNY, who has not bothered to fix her makeup. She is truly a hideous sight, with eye makeup striping her face and a hugely frilly, floaty pink dress)

GINNY: Never so weary, never so in woe,
Bedabbled with the dew and torn with briers,
I can no further crawl, no further go;
My legs can keep no pace with my desires.
Here will I rest me till the break of day.
Heavens shield Lysander, if they mean a fray!

(Lies down. At first she starts toward DEAN to use him as a pillow as HERMIONE is using RON, but SEAMUS glares daggers at her, and she takes the prudent course and lies down center stage)

HARRY: On the ground
Sleep sound:
I'll apply
To your eye,
Gentle lover, remedy.
(taps DEAN on the head with his wand) When thou wakest,
Thou takest
True delight
In the sight
Of thy former lady's eye:
And the country proverb known,
That every man should take his own,
In your waking shall be shown:
Jack shall have Jill;
Nought shall go ill;
The man shall have his mare again, and all shall be well.

(Exit HARRY. He goes over to stand beside DRACO immediately, and both of them face down the rest of the cast, except GOYLE, who is trying to pry PANSY off his arm, and CRABBE, who is still drawing horses, except now they�re perching in the trees.)

HARRY: See? Everything turned out fine for everyone.

HERMIONE: Oh? What about Pansy?

DRACO: What about her?

HERMIONE: (thinks for a moment) You�re right. No complaints.

GOYLE: I wanna complain.

DRACO: Shut up.

GOYLE: Okay.