The Play's the Thing

LOCKHART: Right. Well, since we've got the rest of today... don't complain, it'll take longer that way... we're just going to do a quick run-through, get to know each other better and whatnot. Something funny, Mr. Weasley?

RON: No, nothing.

LOCKHART: Excellent. This isn't a comedy. Now... Act I scene i. The scene is a Venice street. (looks around) Well, you'll just have to imagine, won't you? I need, let's see... Roderigo, Iago, and Brabantio... Mr. Finnegan, you will enter in the middle of the scene.

SEAMUS: Ummm... I'm s'posed to be up in a house, Professor- um, Mr. Lockhart.

LOCKHART: (thinks a moment, then snaps his fingers. The Luggage gets up and wanders to the center of the stage) Stand on that, Mr. Finnegan. I'm sure we'll come up with something better closer to showtime.

SEAMUS: Umm... sir? That thing has teeth.

LOCKHART: Yes, I know. But it's really quite charming once you get to know it. (Pats the Luggage) Now, everyone not in this scene offstage now or else!

HARRY: (under his breath) Or else what?

HERMIONE: Sh!

(All exit except RON and DRACO. SEAMUS, offstage, stares at the Luggage. It doesn't move)

RON: (clearing throat nervously) Tush! never tell me; I take it much unkindly
That thou, Iago, who hast had my purse
As if the strings were thine, shouldst know of this.
(blinks, looks confused)

DRACO: 'Sblood, but you will not hear me:
If ever I did dream of such a matter,
Abhor me.

RON: Thou told'st me thou didst hold him in thy hate.

DRACO: Despise me, if I do not. Three great ones of the city,
In personal suit to make me his lieutenant,
Off-capp'd to him: and, by the faith of man,
I know my price, I am worth no worse a place:
But he; as loving his own pride and purposes,
Evades them, with a bombast circumstance
Horribly stuff'd with epithets of war;
And, in conclusion,
Nonsuits my mediators; for, 'Certes,' says he,
'I have already chose my officer.'
And what was he?
Forsooth, a great arithmetician,
One Michael Cassio, a Florentine,
A fellow almost damn'd in a fair wife;
That never set a squadron in the field,
Nor the division of a battle knows
More than a spinster; unless the bookish theoric,
Wherein the toged consuls can propose
As masterly as he: mere prattle, without practise,
Is all his soldiership. But he, sir, had the election:
And I, of whom his eyes had seen the proof
At Rhodes, at Cyprus and on other grounds
Christian and heathen, must be be-lee'd and calm'd
By debitor and creditor: this counter-caster,
He, in good time, must his lieutenant be,
And I--God bless the mark!--his Moorship's ancient.

HERMIONE: (offstage whisper) Hey, he's not bad, is he?

HARRY: I don't think he knows what he's saying.

HERMIONE: I wasn't talking about Ron...

RON: I heard that!! I do SO know what I'm saying... Ummm... oh, here...
By heaven, I rather would have been his hangman. There! I just said I'd rather kill him. So there.

LOCKHART: Keep to the script, Mr. Weasley, thanks ever so. Extemporaneous lines and adlibbing are grounds for execution.

NEVILLE: (sounding worried) Really?

LOCKHART: No, not really. But will you know the difference if I'm lying?

(HARRY and HERMIONE give each other confused looks)

HARRY: He... seems a little different, doesn't he?

(Hermione just nods)

DRACO: Why, there's no remedy; 'tis the curse of service,
Preferment goes by letter and affection,
And not by old gradation, where each second
Stood heir to the first. Now, sir, be judge yourself,
Whether I in any just term am affined
To love the Moor.

RON: I would not follow him then. (muttering to himself) If I were passed over for prpmotion like that, I'd just quit. What's up with wanting to kill this guy for it?

LOCKHART: No adlibbing, Mr. Weasley!

DRACO: Yes, no adlibbing, Weasley.

RON: Oh, sure. Kiss up to the director, Malfoy.

DRACO: I'll leave that to others better experienced... Ahem.
O, sir, content you;
I follow him to serve my turn upon him:
We cannot all be masters, nor all masters
Cannot be truly follow'd. You shall mark
Many a duteous and knee-crooking knave,
That, doting on his own obsequious bondage,
Wears out his time, much like his master's ass,
For nought but provender, and when he's old, cashier'd:
Whip me such honest knaves. Others there are
Who, trimm'd in forms and visages of duty,
Keep yet their hearts attending on themselves,
And, throwing but shows of service on their lords,
Do well thrive by them and when they have lined their coats
Do themselves homage: these fellows have some soul;
And such a one do I profess myself. For, sir,
It is as sure as you are Roderigo,
Were I the Moor, I would not be Iago:
In following him, I follow but myself;
Heaven is my judge, not I for love and duty,
But seeming so, for my peculiar end:
For when my outward action doth demonstrate
The native act and figure of my heart
In compliment extern, 'tis not long after
But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve
For daws to peck at: I am not what I am.

RON: What a full fortune does the thicklips owe
If he can carry't thus!

DRACO: (Getting into his role, throwing an arm around Ron's shoulders conspiratorially) Call up her father,
Rouse him: make after him, poison his delight,
Proclaim him in the streets; incense her kinsmen,
And, though he in a fertile climate dwell,
Plague him with flies: though that his joy be joy,
Yet throw such changes of vexation on't,
As it may lose some colour.

RON: (muttering and getting away) You have serious problems, you know that?
Here is her father's house; I'll call aloud.

DRACO: Do, with like timorous accent and dire yell
As when, by night and negligence, the fire
Is spied in populous cities.

RON: What, ho, Brabantio! Signior Brabantio, ho!

DRACO: Awake! what, ho, Brabantio! thieves! thieves! thieves!
Look to your house, your daughter and your bags!
Thieves! thieves!

(SEAMUS runs onstage, looking very nervous. He gets up close to the Luggage and is about to climb on top when it yawns, once again displaying all its teeth. He hangs back, shaking his head)

LOCKHART: It's perfectly safe, Mr. Finnegan. Just climb on top and let's get on with it!

SEAMUS: Have you seen that thing's teeth?

LOCKHART: Yes, I have, and I'm telling you it's safe.

SEAMUS: (muttering) Sure, like I believe you. (climbs up onto the Luggage, which shifts its weight slightly but it otherwise calm) I'm not staying here for long though!

LOCKHART: [placatingly] No one's asking you to.

SEAMUS: (glancing down every few seconds) What is the reason of this terrible summons?
What is the matter there?

RON: Signior, is all your family within?

SEAMUS: (staring at Luggage) God, I hope not... I mean, um... (consulting script)

DRACO: Are your doors lock'd?

SEAMUS: [laughing nervously] Why... um... wherefore ask you this?

HARRY: [offstage] Wherefore?

HERMIONE: Hush. It means why.

HARRY: Oh.

DRACO: 'Zounds, sir, you're robb'd; for shame, put on your gown;
Your heart is burst, you have lost half your soul;
Even now, now, very now, an old black ram
Is topping your white ewe. Arise, arise;
Awake the snorting citizens with the bell,
Or else the devil will make a grandsire of you:
Arise, I say.

SEAMUS: Sicko! Get lost! [at a look from Lockhart, gulps and glances down at the Luggage] Um.... that is... What, have you lost your wits? (muttering) Oh, sure, that's *much* better.

(The Luggage yawns again, knocking Seamus off onto the ground. He gets up and dusts himself off, watching it the entire time)

RON: Most reverend signior, do you know my voice?

SEAMUS: Not I. What are you?

DRACO: (under his breath) Oh, what a good question.

RON: My name is Roderigo.

SEAMUS: (backing away from the Luggage) The worser welcome:
I have charged thee not to haunt about my doors:
In honest plainness thou hast heard me say
My daughter is not for thee; and now, in madness,
Being full of supper and distempering draughts,
Upon malicious bravery, dost thou come
To start my quiet.

RON: Harsh! (Draco kicks him) Hey!

DRACO: No adlibbing, Weasley.

RON: (scowling) Sir, sir, sir--

NEVILLE: (offstage) How'd he get "harsh" out of that? Am I missing something?

DRACO: (quietly) Only a mind, Longbottom.

SEAMUS: (speaking quickly) But thou must needs be sure
My spirit and my place have in them power
To make this bitter to thee.

RON: Patience, good sir.

SEAMUS: What tell'st thou me of robbing? this is Venice;
My house is not a grange.

RON: Most grave Brabantio,
In simple and pure soul I come to you.

DRACO: (clearly enjoying himself) 'Zounds, sir, you are one of those
that will not serve God, if the devil bid you. Because we come to
do you service and you think we are ruffians, you'll
have your daughter covered with a Barbary horse;
you'll have your nephews neigh to you; you'll have
coursers for cousins and gennets for germans.

SEAMUS: Huh? Oh. What profane wretch art thou?

DRACO: I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs.

(RON checks his script, then goes red in the face)

RON: (glaring at DEAN) They'd better not be!

SEAMUS: (trying not to laugh) Thou art a villain. (beat) Noooo, really?

DRACO: You are--a senator.

SEAMUS: (sarcastically) Oh, *there's* a snappy comeback. This thou shalt answer; I know thee, Roderigo.

LOCKHART: (offstage and exasperated) Mr. Finnegan, do please take this seriously!

SEAMUS: Or else what? You'll give me detention?

LOCKHART: No, I'm not a teacher. I can't. (The Luggage scuttles over to him. He pats it on the lid. Seamus goes white)

RON: Sir, I will answer any thing. But, I beseech you,
If't be your pleasure and most wise consent,
As partly I find it is, that your fair daughter,
At this odd-even and dull watch o' the night,
Transported, with no worse nor better guard
But with a knave of common hire, a gondolier,
To the gross clasps of a lascivious Moor--
If this be known to you and your allowance,
We then have done you bold and saucy wrongs;
But if you know not this, my manners tell me
We have your wrong rebuke. Do not believe
That, from the sense of all civility,
I thus would play and trifle with your reverence:
Your daughter, if you have not given her leave,
I say again, hath made a gross revolt;
Tying her duty, beauty, wit and fortunes
In an extravagant and wheeling stranger
Of here and every where. Straight satisfy yourself:
If she be in her chamber or your house,
Let loose on me the justice of the state
For thus deluding you.

SEAMUS: Strike on the tinder, ho!
Give me a taper! call up all my people!
This accident is not unlike my dream:
Belief of it oppresses me already.
Light, I say! light!

(Dashes offstage on the opposite side as Lockhart, the Luggage, and the rest of the group)

DRACO: (waves a sort of salute) Farewell; for I must leave you:
It seems not meet, nor wholesome to my place,
To be produced--as, if I stay, I shall--
Against the Moor: for, I do know, the state,
However this may gall him with some cheque,
Cannot with safety cast him, for he's embark'd
With such loud reason to the Cyprus wars,
Which even now stand in act, that, for their souls,
Another of his fathom they have none,
To lead their business: in which regard,
Though I do hate him as I do hell-pains.
Yet, for necessity of present life,
I must show out a flag and sign of love,
Which is indeed but sign. That you shall surely find him,
Lead to the Sagittary the raised search;
And there will I be with him. So, farewell.

(DRACO saunters offstage. SEAMUS has snuck around the back and reenters, followed by the bit players CRABBE, GOYLE, COLIN, and NEVILLE. COLIN is still carrying his camera, and NEVILLE is keeping as far from CRABBE and GOYLE as he can without leaving the group. All are carrying lit wands except CRABBE and GOYLE, who couldn't get theirs to light)

SEAMUS: It is too true an evil: gone she is;
And what's to come of my despised time
Is nought but bitterness. Now, Roderigo,
Where didst thou see her? O unhappy girl!
With the Moor, say'st thou? Who would be a father!
How didst thou know 'twas she? O she deceives me
Past thought! What said she to you? Get more tapers:
Raise all my kindred. Are they married, think you?

RON: Truly, I think they are.

SEAMUS: O heaven! How got she out? O treason of the blood!
Fathers, from hence trust not your daughters' minds
By what you see them act. Is there not charms
By which the property of youth and maidhood
May be abused? Have you not read, Roderigo,
Of some such thing?

RON: I don't read those kinds of books, Seamus... have you asked... oh. Right.... Yes, sir, I have indeed.

SEAMUS: Call up my brother. O, would you had had her!
Some one way, some another. Do you know
Where we may apprehend her and the Moor?

LOCKHART: [offstage] I give up. Open season, everyone who's not on stage. Feel free to speak your mind, seeing as everyone else is.

HERMIONE: It's only the first run-through, Prof... sir. We'll get better.

LOCKHART: Confident, aren't you, Miss Granger? (smiles)

(Harry and Ron make gagging faces, Hermione blushes)

HERMIONE: I try to be.

RON: (loudly) I think I can discover him, if you please,
To get good guard and go along with me.

SEAMUS: Pray you, lead on. At every house I'll call;
I may command at most. Get weapons, ho!
And raise some special officers of night.
On, good Roderigo: I'll deserve your pains.

(Exeunt)