Chapter 7: That Which Binds Me Still

The Palsian Years 311-312.

King Andragoras was very pleased with the way the Turan army had been driven away. He was especially impressed by Narcasse's strategy, and he declared that Lord Cheiron had never been so useful. The comment was supposed to be praise; however, Narcasse said nothing when he heard it.

In the months that followed, King Andragoras kept the Turan prince in the palace prison while the Turan king attempted to negotiate for his release. Unfortunately, the negotiations went badly, and Turan continued to wage war against Palse.

While there was no single, long battle that would determine who was the final conqueror and who was the conquered, there were many smaller skirmishes in which the Turans kept invading and the Palsians continued to drive them out. These skirmishes came and went over the course of different months. Some lasted only a day, others lasted over weeks.

At some of these skirmishes, a pattern began to emerge: Darun, Kubard, and Kharlan, though under another's command, often took the lead in attacking while Narcasse often planned strategies that led them to victory.

Narcasse could not, however, foresee everything, nor was he an official strategist, and so King Andragoras did not always listen to his advice. In one such incident, they were ambushed badly. They managed to escape when reinforcements came and destroyed their ambushers, however, at a great cost: Hanch and Loowd died, Kubard lost an eye, and Darun took a blow to the side meant for Narcasse.

They were sent back to the capital to recover.

---

And so the next day Narcasse found himself waiting by Darun's bedside while the other slept, recovering from his wound. He still could not believe that Darun had moved in the way of the enemy's blow, and his mood fluctuated from gratitude to sorrow to anger. Unfortunately, Darun woke up when Narcasse's mood was in the latter state.

"Well this is nostalgic, isn't it?" Narcasse asked.

Darun winced. "I'm too tired for an argument right now, Narcasse." He shifted so he was facing his friend, then sighed. "But by the tone of your voice, I can see you're upset. What's wrong?"

"Didn't we go through this argument before?" Narcasse asked, his voice rising. "How many times do I have to repeat myself? Didn't you learn anything from our last fight? Didn't I tell you that I don't need you to protect me? There was no reason for you to dive in front of me. I appreciate the thought, really, but it was quite unnecessary. This is the exact same--"

Darun cut him off. "I promised Lord Cheiron. Before. That I would look after you." He sounded tired.

For a moment, Narcasse appeared at a loss for words. Then his voice hardened. "I see. It's just like that time, before. When we were eight. You did it then for your uncle. You do this now for Lord Cheiron." His tone began to drip honey, and that was when Darun knew he was VERY upset. "And in both times I end up feeling responsible for something you did. And--"

Darun covered his eyes with his hand and sighed. "It wasn't a hard promise to make, Narcasse." He reached over and moved his hand onto his friend's arm, to catch his attention.

"--in both times I'm worried sick over you -- What?"

"Narcasse. My body acts before my thoughts."

Narcasse snorted. "You're always so brash." He didn't move.

"It wasn't a hard promise to make," Darun said, repeating himself. "Didn't you realize it already?" He pulled his arm back. He blinked slowly, sleepily. "I take my vows of loyalty very seriously."

"I know THAT. I've seen that when we were eight. I see. So it was your vow to Lord Cheiron, is that it? Then--"

"And I already swore my loyalty to you, a long time ago."

There was a moment of silence. It dragged on for several minutes, as Narcasse seemed to be unable to say anything else.

Darun yawned. "Can we finish this conversation another time? I'm really tired." He closed his eyes and when Narcasse did not reply, he took the silence as assent and slept.

Narcasse stared at his sleeping friend, all anger gone. "Misra be damned Darun," Narcasse cursed in a low voice. He muttered to himself, more quietly, as he turned to leave. "You always make me so confused."

---

Darun woke up to the sound of a conversation. He listened half-consciously, his brain still sluggish from waking up into the real world.

"Why didn't you send word that you were back, Narcasse? I really missed you." Darun did not know who the speaker was, though the voice sounded vaguely familiar.

"Don't touch me," Narcasse said in a low voice. "I told you, Hesam, I don't feel the same way about you. There's nothing left between us."

"Why?" Hesam demanded, loudly.

Darun at this point, had awakened completely. Realizing that he was eavesdropping, he decided to simply tell them to take it outside of his room. He did not want to hear a conversation that he was not intended to. Ready to speak, he opened his eyes, just in time to see Hesam slam Narcasse against the wall and kiss him.

Anger filled him. Had he not been bed-ridden, no doubt, Darun would have attacked Hesam right then and there. Instead, for a moment, he simply laid on his bed in silent fury.

Narcasse shoved Hesam back and wiped his lips with his hand. "Get out of my sight."

Hesam opened his mouth to protest.

Darun's voice came back. "Hesam, if you're not out of my room in two seconds, I will take my sword, rip it through your gut, and feast on your entrails."

As Hesam and Narcasse both stared at him in shock, Darun reached over to the side of his bed and his hand circled around the hilt of his sword.

Hesam fled, slamming the door behind him.

Darun gave Narcasse an annoyed look. "Don't you have somewhere better to settle your love affairs than in my room? I don't want to hear it, and I certainly don't want to see it." The image of Narcasse kissing Hesam would be burned into his mind forever.

Narcasse lifted a fine brow. "Really, Darun. 'Feast on your entrails'? How barbaric."

"I was only saying what was on my mind," Darun replied as Narcasse came over and sat beside his bed.

"How are you feeling?"

"I would have been able to sleep in more if you and your ex-lover stayed quiet," Darun said, irritably. He was no longer angry, however, he was still very annoyed.

"But are you tired? Well enough to talk?" The peculiar note in Narcasse's voice alarmed Darun. He moved to sit up. Narcasse helped him by pushing some pillows behind his back for support.

"What's wrong?"

Narcasse brought a tray over and placed it on Darun's lap. On it was a bowl of soup, a spoon, and a piece of bread. Darun took the spoon and began to eat.

"We need to talk."

"I gathered as much," Darun said. "So what is it? Did King Andragoras--"

"Aren't you going to ask me about Hesam?" Narcasse interrupted.

"What?"

"You told me not to talk to him in your room. Aren't you going to ask me why he was here?"

Darun gave a small shrug. "Doesn't really matter, does it? You took care of whatever it was just fine. You don't need my help or anything, so it's not really my concern, now is it?" He felt a slight tightening in his stomach as he spoke.

"So you're not the least bit curious."

The thought of Narcasse kissing Hesam returned to him, but Darun pushed the thought away. "No."

"Really," Narcasse said, his voice flat. "So it was not just my imagination that ever since we started talking to each other again, we've been avoiding certain subjects."

Darun felt uneasy. "I thought it was sort of an unspoken agreement. I mean we finally started talking to each other; I didn't want to start arguing with you again." And he had not been sure whether or not they were close enough to share secrets again.

"I suppose that makes sense," Narcasse said. "But eventually these topics will resurface. There is no way we can avoid them forever. I suggest we talk about them, here and now."

Darun gave him a skeptical look. Narcasse looked earnest, so Darun nodded, once. He suddenly felt very nervous, and so he looked away as he spoke, staring at his soup. "So what subjects were you referring to?"

"There are three I can think of. One of them we have just recently touched upon."

"And that was...?"

"And that was something we just touched upon, so I will not mention it right now. The second subject is that of Hasem, and my reputation at court."

Darun pretended he did not know what Narcasse was talking about. "You mean you being the smartest one here? Oh, obviously that's true."

He was rewarded with a slight upturn of the lips before Narcasse continued. "I mean my sordid reputation that I am sure you're aware of. As someone who frequents brothels, sleeps with all the men around him, that sort of a thing."

"...Has a poisonous tongue."

"Really? That one may be true enough. Anyway, no doubt by now you have heard of the reputation that was built during our time away from each other. Agreed?"

Darun nodded.

"Well, there's....some... element of truth in it," Narcasse said. He shrugged. "You know why I go to the brothel. It's to visit Ashanti, whom I have not seen in a while. As for the rumors of me sleeping around, I have gotten involved in a few relationships. Hesam was one of them. Vahid was another. Neither worked out, so I made it clear that I was no longer interested. Both of them, however, may still hold some degree of affection for me. For the most part, my relationships tended to be short, unsatisfactory, and end with us staying friends."

Darun did not know why Narcasse was telling him this story. He did not want to hear about Narcasse's love life, nor could he now get the image of Hesam kissing Narcasse out of his mind.

He still wanted to gut Hesam.

"Right before...Lord Cheiron passed away, I broke off another relationship. I thought that was the last of them. Then I became interested, again, after Lord Cheiron's death. This time with someone who confuses me, delights me, angers me, and frustrates me to no end."

Darun tried to think of all the people he had seen Narcasse with since Cheiron's death. The only person he could recall was the person that Narcasse had been talking to when Darun had wanted to approach him after the funeral. "The guy with the short haircut? Does he bother you?" Darun asked. "Want me to pound some sense into him?"

Narcasse stared at him. Then he fell into a fit of laughter. Darun had never seen Narcasse laugh so hard aloud before. As laughter between friends is contagious, soon Darun was smiling, puzzled but amused at his friend's actions.

Finally Narcasse caught his breath. He leaned against the bed for support, one hand hiding his face. He was trembling.

"Narcasse?" Darun was worried.

"Yes," Narcasse said, answering Darun's question. "I do want you to reason with him, because I can't. I don't know what to do with him. I can't stand being apart from him, but I want so much more from him than he's willing to give. And that's my fault, not his..."

Silence.

"Darun, what do you think it means to love someone?"

Darun shifted uncomfortably. "I don't know. To care for, protect, and cherish someone? To stay loyal and true to them, despite everything that you go through for them?"

"To care for them so much that you're willing to put yourself in danger for them?"

Darun hesitated. "That's tricky. I would lay my life down for people that I don't love on a personal level, though I respect them on an hierarchical one. King Andragoras, for example. But otherwise, yes, if you loved someone deeply enough, you would probably not mind sacrificing your own life for theirs."

"I see." Narcasse was silent for a moment. Finally, he asked, "Darun. I know it's none of my business, but let's just say I'm curious. Have you courted anyone recently?"

Darun did not respond.

Narcasse continued. "Because, if my memory serves me correctly, the last time I had seen you try to court someone was before our trip to the brothel. When you tried to court that noblewoman who rejected you. What was her name again?"

Darun tried to remember, but he could not recall it either.

"Sarata. That was it. Lady Sarata. You were sixteen, you brought flowers for her, she rejected you and you shrugged it off. Why haven't you courted anyone since?"

Darun stared at his soup. He had forgotten about Sarata. "Not interested, I guess. There are so many other things to do."

Narcasse did not fall for his excuse. "What is it? You can tell me."

Darun hesitated. "Are we on confiding terms again?"

Narcasse, his head still bent and face still covered, nodded, once.

Darun hesitated. He felt that they were still somewhat distant, even though they were now talking. Part of it, he realized, was just as Narcasse had said. They avoided certain subjects and talked about other things instead. But if they never brought up the subjects, then they would never be as close as they had used to.

Darun looked at his soup. "I figure I'll start courting again as soon as I start thinking that I need to have children. Since I can't think of any other reason to get married, and I can't see myself as a father yet, I'm simply not interested."

"What about sex?"

Darun choked on his soup and coughed a few times before replying. "What about it?" He fiddled with his spoon. "That time, when we went to the brothel. The first time. I decided then, that though pleasurable, it's not something I would revolve my life around. I'm not a hedonist, and it's not worth it." He had thought it was quite overrated, though he had no desire to tell his friend that.

"I see." Narcasse's tone was thoughtful.

Darun decided to change the direction of the conversation. Any more questions would make him feel defensive, which would probably result in his anger. "And the last subject?" This was a very bizarre conversation, and he wished that it was over.

Narcasse finally lifted his head and looked at him. His eyes were slightly red. "Yesterday, you said something very interesting."

Darun tried to remember, but his memory failed him. "Oh?"

"You said that you had sworn your loyalty to me a long time ago."

"Oh." This was rather embarrassing. Darun vaguely remembered saying something to that effect the night before, though he could not remember why. He must have been very tired. "It sounds ridiculous when you say it out loud."

Narcasse tilted his head, silently inquiring.

"When we were twelve. Remember? You comforted me after my first battle. I cried, I think." Damn, but he felt un-masculine at the moment. "And then not too long afterwards, King Andragoras made us swear loyalty to him. When I came out of the throne room, you were waiting in the hallway, and you had this strange expression on your face as you stared at Mani's painting. I decided then that if I could swear my loyalty to the king, and be willing to die for him, then I might as well swear to people I cared about too. You were my best friend, so I swore it then to you. Then later that night I swore it to Uncle Vaphreze." He paused, trying to remember. "I think a few years later I swore my loyalty to Prince Arslan."

Narcasse looked at him and then gave a humorless laugh. Then he shook his head. "All right, Darun, you win."

Darun gave him a puzzled expression. "What?"

"How about we forget I said anything," Narcasse said, rising from his seat. He stretched his arms and then turned to leave.

"Wait." Darun caught his arm. "You're upset. I can see it. What's wrong? What did I say?"

Narcasse pulled his arm away. "Forget it, Darun."

"What was the third subject? Hell, what was the first?" Darun gave him a frustrated look. "Not everyone's as smart as you, Narcasse. Half of this conversation I couldn't follow. Why did you ask me all these questions?" He sat back. "Come on. We're on confiding terms again, aren't we? I feel cheated if you just leave without saying anything." He had not wanted this conversation when it started, true; but now that it had begun he did not want it left unfinished. "I'm not the only person avoiding certain subjects."

Narcasse gave him a cool stare in response to his glare. After a pause, the Royal Historian sat down again. "Yes?"

Darun disliked the tone in Narcasse's voice. It was almost hostile. "Tell me what's wrong."

"All right." Narcasse met the other's eyes. "I'm still *extremely* attracted to you, Darun. There. The third subject."

Darun blinked. Suddenly, everything they had just been talking about made sense, a little. "Oh."

"Yes," Narcasse said, slightly mocking. He spoke dramatically, waving his arms in despair. "'Oh. Oh no.'" He gave a fake gasp. "'Not again. What do I do now? Damn that Narcasse!' Is that what you're thinking?"

"Shut up," Darun said. He ran his hands through his hair. "I'm trying to think."

"Re-ally," Narcasse drawled.

Darun glared at him. "Is this a form of game that you and your friends play, Narcasse? The last time you spoke like such a child was when you were eight."

Narcasse glared at him, and Darun glared back. "I said I'm trying to think, and what you said was not at all what I was thinking. You think that I haven't changed at all in the last few years? I've changed as much as you."

"What do you mean?"

"This," Darun gestured at him. "This sarcastic, bitter side of you. You think I don't notice? You lapse into it at times when you are disagreeing with someone's plan. You mock them, make them look foolish, and then everyone laughs at them and agrees with you. I haven't seen you act like that since we were kids. So you can speak your mind freely now, and this is the result? You take advantage of the fact that nobody is as smart as you, and so you can make anyone look like an idiot. Good for you."

Narcasse was silent.

"Now I said I was trying to think. I didn't lie then. I swore that you would always have my loyalty and though it may be silly, I haven't grown out of my oath. I didn't realize this until Lord Cheiron passed away. I was so worried about you. Even though we were no longer friends." He looked at Narcasse.

"And right now, I'm worried about you again. You're upset and I don't know what I can do about it. Tell me what you want, Narcasse. I was always afraid of becoming your lover because I was afraid of losing your friendship. But now I see that no matter what I do, I may lose it anyway. I've lost it before. So tell me-- what do you want? You have my loyalty. You have my concern. You have my trust. You have my respect. So what do you want? My love? You have it already. I love you as a brother, as a friend. I don't know if I can love you as a lover-- I don't know what it means, I've never had a lover before. Nor do I see how doing so would be any greater than how I already feel about you.

"Sex? Fine. Will you sleep with me and then leave me, unsatisfied with me, as you are with Hesam and Vahid? If that's what you want, so long as we stay friends, then fine." Darun struggled to find the words to say what he wanted to. He reached out and took Narcasse's hand into his own, trying to make him understand.

"Don't you see already, Narcasse? You're the most important person to me in all of Palse. I care about you deeply. I don't understand what's been changing between us. But I still continue to think highly of you and I still will. Nothing changes that. So tell me-- what do you want? I'll give you anything I can. You mean that much to me." He paused. "When we were apart, I really missed you."

Narcasse said nothing for a moment.

Then he squeezed Darun's hand. "I..." He seemed at a loss for words. "I..." His grip tightened. Darun watched him. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize... You're right about my sarcasm, it's a bad habit, and I'll try to stop. As for..." His voice trailed off before speaking again. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize... I was the one who took our friendship for granted, and I didn't even realize it. I didn't realize that I already had...everything that I wanted." He blinked, then leaned over and gave Darun a light hug. "Thank you."

He pulled back, more composed. "Darun, can we try? Just as a test. I can't stop thinking of you this way, and if it's just a phase that I'll pass through, then I need to know. I dream about you all the time, and I don't know how to stop. Can we...just try?"

Darun looked uncertain. "If it doesn't work out, what then?"

Narcasse smiled. "Then we'll stay friends. That won't change. It can't. I didn't realize this until just now. No matter what, our fates are intertwined with each other. Bound. Even if we end up in another argument in which we hate each other, in a few years, we'll find each other and then pick up our friendship right from where we left it."

After a pause, Darun nodded. "But I'm not sure what to do. You'll have to teach me?"

Very slowly, very deliberately, Narcasse leaned over and placed a light kiss over Darun's lips. Then he pulled back, grinning.

"Don't I always?"

--

After their recovery, King Andragoras promoted Darun, Kubard, and Kharlan all to the title of Baron Marshal. He gave each of them an army of five hundred soldiers to command, deciding, at last, that they had proved themselves worthy by surviving the last ambush.

News of another attack came and the new Baron Marshals went back to war.

----------------------------
notes: sorry for the long conversation, but couldn't be helped. i couldn't see it any other way.

sorry to Narcasse fans for how much of an ass he's being. he's just defensive right now, poor boy.

This entire fic was influenced by Ellen Kushner's Swordspoint, but it comes off exceptionally strong in this chapter. The "re-ally" is the way Alec talks, so this scene is kind of a homage to him and Richard.

for comments to Karma, send e-mails to: [email protected]