(contains lyrics from the song Crash and Burn by Savage Garden)
� 2001

You would never know by looking at him. You wouldn't know by seeing him onstage, on television, or at a party. You could only know by being close to him. The life of the party. The center of attention. What do I see? I see a scared little boy.

When we began dating, I saw the happy go lucky party guy too. I never expected what would happen.

I thought there was something odd, something different about him. The way he talked. He would sometimes shy away from me. I respected his privacy. He was a highly famous person. He treasured what could be kept away.

~ There has always been heartache and pain ~

When I came home one day there was a certain dread I could feel. Somehow, something in my mind told me to run to the master bathroom. I did. I saw him on the floor, an empty bottle of pills next to him. I raced to the phone, adrenaline rushing, I dialed 911. The operator asked me all kinds of questions. "What pills did he swallow?" When I looked I was shocked. He had taken pills for depression. He wasn't breathing and so I had to do CPR. I'm not too good at this, but may I say thank God for that operator and thank God for speakerphones.

At the hospital he had his stomach pumped. The doctor came up to me.
"I can't be sure if he'll be okay or not, but it's good you found him. He's got a fighting chance now."

When he left I took out a piece of paper I had found with a rose on my pillow.

"Dear Grace,

I'm sorry I never told you some things, but it's too much for me to handle now. Please don't cry. I only wanted to kill my pain, not give it to you.

I really love you,
Brian"

After seeing that I broke down in tears. I didn't want my baby to die. What was so wrong? Why did he want to do this? His bandmates and also close friends came to the hospital and sat with me. Kevin, in tears like me. We leaned on each other and tried our best to comfort each other. I didn't want him to see the note. We all prayed that Brian would make it.

He did make it through that horrible night. Of course his depression had not been cured. He said I should have left him, but "that's not what people in love do." I said back to him. Now he tells me when the pressures of his life become too much, and I never take my life with him for granted. I love him too much to lose him.

~ And when it's over you'll breathe again. ~