PARENTS DEFINITIONS AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too! DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside. DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins. DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster. FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it. OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings. PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own. PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms. PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes. SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything. TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children. THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed. TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VERBAL: able to whine in words. WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out. WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house. WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge". --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New Words for the 90s Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid- sentence. Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here." Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia. Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. *PEBCAK: Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system." Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment. Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The language folks who brought us "Ebonics," have decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary: * * HEIDI - noun. Greeting. * HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?" * BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." * JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage:"My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." * BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements." * MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts." * THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." * BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." * IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!" * RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." * ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." * FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far." * TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck." * TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." * RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65." * FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh." * RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats." * FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country." * DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim." * EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!" * BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." * JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?" * HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah, haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf." * SEED - verb, past tense of "to see". * VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York, view?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man. EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does. SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.