Just in case you might need a new term to explain your actions: Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior Audition the finger puppets Audition your hand puppet Backstroke roulette Bash the candle Battle with the Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love Be your own best friend Beat off Beat the Bishop Beat the bologna Beat the dummy Beat the meat Beat the pud Beat the stick Beat up your date Beef tips stroking off Bleed the weed Blow your load Blow your own horn Bludgeon the beefsteak Bop the bologna Bop the bonzo Box the Jesuit Box with Richard Buff the banana Bugger your hand Burp the baby Burp the worm Butter the corn Caning the vandal Charm the snake Check for testicular cancer Cheese off Choke Kojak Choke the chicken Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come Clamp the pipe Clean your rifle Clear the snorkel Climb the tree Closet Frisbee Come into your own Cook the cream of cock Corral your tadpole Couch hockey for one Crank the love pump Crank the shank Crimp the wire Crown the king Cuddle the kielbasa Cuff the carrot Daisy-chaining Date Miss Michigan Date Mrs. Palmer and Her five daughters Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters Defrosting the fridge Diddle Digital penile oscillation Do It Your Way Do handiwork Do the White Knuckler Do the janitor thing Drain the monster Dry humping the ottoman Electing the President Engage in safe sex Exercise one's right Feed the ducks Fiddle the flesh flute Fist fuck Fist your mister Five knuckle shuffle Five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piss pump Flick your Bic Fling your phallus Flip the Bishop Flog the Bishop Flog the dog Flog the dolphin Flog the dong Flog the hog Flog the log Flog the mule Fly fishing Fondle your flagpole Free Willy Friggit Frost the pastries Gallop the antelope Gallop the old lizard Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion Get a date with Slick Mittens Get chafed Get off Get the German soldier marching Get to know yourself Get your pole varnished Give it a tug Give your low five Go a couple of rounds with ol' Josh Go blind Go on a date with Fisty Palmer Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela Go the blow Goose the gherkin Grease the pipe Hack the hog Hand job Hand shandy Hard labor Have one off the wrist Hitchhike to heaven Hitchhike underneath the big top Hold the Bishop Hold the sausage hostage Hone the cone Honk your horn Hug the hog Human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT Hump your hose Jack hammer Jack off Jazz yourself Jerk Jerk Jamby Jerk it Jerk off Jerk the gherkin Jizzlob JocelynEldering Kick your roommate out for five to ten minutes to "call your parents" Look for ticks Lope the mule Love the muppet Love's labors lost Make a foreskin cone Make instant pudding Make the bald man puke Making soup Mangle the midget Manipulate the mango Manual labor Manual override Master Bacon, meet Rosie Hancock Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters Milk the Lizard Milk the cow Milk the moose Milk the self Milking the lizard Mount a corporal and four Much goo about nothing Nerk your throbber Null the void Oil the glove Onan's olympics One gun salute One man band One-night-stand with yourself Pack your palm Paddle the pickle Paint the ceiling Paint the pickle Palm the calm Peel some chilis Peel the banana Perform diagnostics on your ManTool Pet the lizard Pip the pumpkin Play Uno Play a little five-on-one Play a one stringed guitar Play five against one Play in a one-man show Play peek-a-boo Play pocket pinball Play pocket pool Play tag with the pink torpedo Play the skin flute Play tug-o-war with Cyclops Play with your turtle (for uncircumcised guys) Playing the one-stringed melody Please your pisser Plunk your twanger Polish Percy in your palm Polish the Rocket Polish the family jewels Polish the helmet Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter Polish the rocket Polish the sword Pound off Pound the bald-headed moose Pound the pud Pound your flounder Pound your pud Prepare the carrot Prime the pump Pull off Pull rank Pull the bologna pony Pull the carrot Pull the cord Pull the goalie Pull the pole Pull the Pope Pull the pud Pull your own leg Pull your prick Pull your taffy Pump the python Pump the stump Punch the clown Punch the munchkin Punish Percy in your palm Ram the ham Relieve tension Ride the great white knuckler Roll your own Romeo and Himself Rope the pony Rope the Pope Rub off Rub one out Rub the pink eraser Run off a batch by hand Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights Safest sex Sand wood Scour the tower of power Scratch the itch Secret handshake Self abuse Self-induced penile regurgitation Sex with someone you really love Shag Shake hands with Abe Lincoln Shake hands with Yul Brynner Shake hands with the midget Shake hands with the unemployed Shake hands with your John Thomas Shake hands with your wife's best friend Shake the sauce Shake the sausage Shake the snake Shaling the snake Shellac the shillelagh Shemp the hog Shift gears Shine the helmet Shine your pole Shoot for the moon Shoot putty at the moon Shoot the airplane Shuck your corn Slakin' the bacon Slam the ham Slam the salami Slam the salmon Slam the spam Slap high fives with Yul Brynner Slap it Slap pappy Slap the carrot Slap the clown Slap the donkey Slap the pud Slap the purple headed yogurt pistol Slap the salami Slimming your Shadey Sling the jelly Smack off Smack the salami Snap the monkey Snap the rubber Snap the whip Solo flight Solo marathon Solo sex Spank Frank (or Elvis) Spank the Bishop Spank the frank Spank the monkey Spank the salami Spank the wank Squeeze the cheese Squeeze the juice Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube Squeeze your cheese-dog Stinky pinky Stir the batter Stir the yogurt Strain the main vein Stroke it Stroke off Stroke the carrot Stroke the dog Stroke the mole Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko Stroke the satin-headed serpent Stroke your poker Stroke your twinkie Strumming the one string harp Take matters into your own hands Take part in population control Take the fifth Take the monster for a one-armed ride Talk quietly to yourself Tame the shrew Taunt the one-eyed weasel Tease the weenie Tenderize the tube steak Test the testicles Test your batteries That crazy hand jive The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver The art of Unisex The five knuckle shuffle Thrash your thing Thump the pump Thump your thong Tickle the ivory Tickle the pickle Tickle the taco Ticklewigglejigglepickle Toss off Toss the snag Toss the turkey Toss yogurt Tug the slug Twang the wire Tweak your twinkie Twist your crank Unloading the gun Varnish the flagpole Wake the dead Walk the dog Walk the plank Wank Wank with the one-eyed wonder weasel Wash the meat Wax the Buick Wax the carrot Wax the dolphin Wax the surfboard Waxin' n' Milkin' Whack Willy Whack it Whack off Whack the weasel Whip off Whip the dummy Whip the one-eyed trouser snake Whip the one-eyed worm Whip the rat Whip the stiff Whip the wire Whip up some sour cream Whip your dripper Whittle the stick Whizzin' jism Windsurf on Mount Baldy Wonk your conker Work off Work things out Wrestle the dragon Wrestle the eel Wrestling with the bald champ Wring out your rope Wrist aerobics Yank Yank off Yank the crank Yank the yoyo Yank your plank