* More One-liners

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please? 

Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with... 

If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help. 

Would the Standing Committee please sit down? 

43.3% of statistics are meaningless! 

The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years. 

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. 

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change... 

It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit. 

For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients. 

Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed. 

Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? 

|||||||\\\\____ The domino effect at work. 

Originality is the art of concealing your sources. 

Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit! 

Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers. 




Kitchen Plaque Sayings

* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand 

* A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life 

* A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives 
The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House 

* A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen... And This Kitchen 
Is Delirious 

* Help keep the kitchen clean - Eat OUT 

* Housework Done Properly Can Kill You 

* If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap. 

* My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending 
machines. 

* No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes 

* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator 



* Signs 

Plumber: 
"We repair what your husband Fixed." 

Pizza shop slogan: 
"7 days without pizza makes one Weak." 

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: 
"Invite us to your next blowout." 

Door of a plastic surgeons office: 
"Hello, can we pick your nose?" 

Sign at the psychic's Hotline: 
"Don't call us, we'll call you." 

At a Towing Company: 
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." 

Billboard on the side of the road: 
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs." 

On an Electricians truck: 
"Let us remove your shorts." 

On Maternity Room Door: 
"Push, Push, Push." 

On a Taxidermist's window: 
"We really know our stuff." 

In a Podiatrist's office: 
"Time wounds all heels." 

On a Butchers window: 
"Let me meat your needs." 

On a fence: 
"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive." 

Outside a Muffler Shop: 
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming." 

Outside a Hotel: 
"Help! We need inn-experienced people." 

On the door of a Computer Store: 
"Out for a quick byte." 

Inside a Bowling Alley: 
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop." 

In the front yard of a funeral home: 
"Drive carefully, we'll wait." 

In a counselors office: 
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.