today, you are a man...
congratulations...
here is your "MAN CARD"
Now that you are a man, there are some things you should know...
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24, in 45 minutes.
The Rules....this time by Men.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from
the male side. These are our rules!
Please note ...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short
hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women
always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.
Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your own oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 24 hours.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we .
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we
were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some
war flick where it doesn't really matter what the heck they're saying
anyway.)
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
** WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY **
1. Phone conversations last 30 seconds
2. You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
3. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
4. Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
5. You can open all your own jars
6. Old friends don't care if you've lost or gained weight
7. When clicking thru the channels you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying
8. You don't have to lug a bag of "necessary" items with you everywhere you go
9. You can go to the bathroom alone
10. Your last name stays put
11. You can leave a hotel room bed unmade
12. You can kill your own food
13. The garage is all yours
14. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
15. You see the humor in "Terms of Endearment"
16. You never have to clean the toilet
17. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes
18. Wedding plans take care of themselves
19. If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend
20. Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3
21. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry
22. You don't have to shave below your neck
23. You don't have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night
24. If you're 34 and single, no one notices
25. Chocolate is just another snack
26. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
27. Flowers fix everything (or duct tape)
28. You never have to worry about other's feelings
29. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
30. You can say anything and not worry about what people think
31. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
32. Car mechanics tell you the truth
33. You don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice your new haircut
34. You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking "He must be mad at me"
35. One mood, all the time
36. You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him
37. Gray hair and wrinkles add character
38. Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks
39. You don't care if someone is talking behind your back
40. You don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's
41. If you retain water, it is in a canteen
42. The remote is yours and yours alone
43. You need not pretend you're "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom
44. If you don't call your buddy when you said you would, he won't tell your friends you've changed
45. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
46. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
47. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room
48. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
49. You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny.
the oddity lexicon: