the oddity lexicon
feed the fatman
A path, a choice, a vice, a voice...
Here, we explore the state of being... fat...
YES! more interactive funny comedy... If you've got one, send it to me!
The art of tipping the waitstaff has been a long ignored practice in our eyes. Although, we do agree that the tips
should be based on performance of the waitstaff - not the food, not the parking, not the price of the item on the
frickin' menu! Many of us hold to this standard, which could explain why our service sucks so much. A simple rule
of thumb for tipping is to take the amound of the sales tax and double it. Roughly, a tip is 15% of the bill, although
many on staff will argue it should be more... Let' em! It's our money, and if service sucks, IT SUCKS!
Here'a a few helpful tipping tips to bring it back into style...
NOW, You DO NOT have to tip if:
...the server tells you to pick their hair "OUT" of your salad!
...the waitress spills coffee on you and tells you, to "watch were you're sitting",
...it takes 45 minutes to bring the ketchup
...the waitress sits on your husbands lap to take his order. If you are the husband, it might be okay... But what do you do if the waiter sits on your husbands lap to take the order???
...you catch the waiter eating off of your plate,
...there is hair on your plate but not on your waiter.
...the ice in your glass melts because you have no drink to cover it!
BUT, you may have eaten too much if:
...You "roll" out of bed in the morning...and keep rolling!
...Even your jeans have stretch marks
...Your mother-in-law comments about your lace drapes and what a lovely nightgown they'd make you
...Your husband has suddenly added new locks in the house...to the fridge, the pantry, the freezer, the pet food bin...
...You've been receiving "Thanks for subscribing" emails from weight loss sites when you haven't subscribed.
...Your best friend gives you the evil eye whenever you mention the "F" word . . . FOOD!
...Your husband has added an extra beam under the suddenly-sagging kitchen floor
...The elephants in the local zoo are whistling in your direction
...People you meet are congratulating you while glancing at your tummy
...You need a new scale - the old one says "tilt" each time you step on it
...You press "UP" in an elevator...and it doesn't
...You were mistaken for the main act at the Sumo Wrestling match
...During your winter vacation, groups of people at the beach stand behind you for shade
...your Keyboard and mouse are just a tad outta reach!
...when you plop into bed your spouse flys thru the window
...you have Dunlap's disease -- your gut has dunlapped over your belt.
...the idea of meat loaf for dinner instead of the usual leftover turkey actually sounds good to you
...Weight Watchers assigns you a probation officer
...When turkey farmers announce a natioal shortage
...When you stand up the chair stays with you
...You explode after eating a "Wafer thin mint"
...You get a call from Richard Simmons
...You ROLL away from the table
...You were first in line and no one else in your family got any turkey.
...Your blanket does not cover your belly.
...Your family sends you outside because you won't fit in the living room.
...Awarded second place in Nutty Professor look-alike contest
...When you wake up from your after dinner nap, it's February.
...The last time you saw 90210, it was on a scale.
...There are no leftovers
...There isn't even enough room for jello.
...They had to get the jaws of life to remove you from your chair.
...When the weight scale breaks when you breathe on it.
...You sweat gravy
...Your bellybutton reaches the house 15 minutes before you do.
...Nasa orbits a satelite around you...
...The President declares you a natural disaster area
...You are suddenly crowded
...You burp and a chicken wing comes out.
...You jump for joy and get stuck!!!
...you suddenly think rosie o'donnell has talent.
...Have a small turkey dinner in orbit around you.
...Narcosis levels of tryptophan render you helpless - leaving you face down in your mashed potatoes.
...When even your dog can't look at you anymore.
...YOU POKE YOUR ROASTED TURKEY AND REELIZE IT'S YOUR STOMACHE.
...One day you're looking in the mirror and notice the word Butterball stenciled on your ass
...somebody tries to milk you
...When you swing out of the earth's gravitational pull and end up in another galaxy!
The Art of Fat
the oddity lexicon