humiliation

Funniest shit you'll read today...

Well, who knows if it will be or not but I was going to walmart today to pick up some office shit for work and it hit me!!! "OMG... how can I have a rambling webpage without talking about one of the most humiliating moments of my life?"   You know those moments... the times when you embarass yourself in front of your folks? Or someone else that you KNOW you have to face for many years to come? I can only imagine how that poor kid in those American Pie movies felt when his folks walked in on him jerking off in his bedroom... no my folks didn't catch that... but here's a tale of woe that'll probably make you hang your head in shame and be embarassed for me... feel free to smack me around next time ya see me and tell me what a dumbass I am...

Rewind to August 1993... yikes, almost 10 years ago! I was 12, my friend 'Sarah' was 13, she'd JUST turned a mature 13 a few weeks earlier... and 'Jaime' was 12... (Fake names, but to keep track I used the same first initial for the names so I wouldn't get confused...) Anyway! Sarah & I are bored one nite, listening to music and rambling on the phone for hours like most lil girls do. My fav. band at the time was KISS, & it was Gene Simmon's birthday that day so Sarah & I decided to call up some radio stations and see if we could get them to play a KISS song... only catch, NO CALLING rock stations... we called the country, pop, & oldies ones... no one seemed to give a fuck and we got hung up on and we'd laugh for about an hour in our best 'Beavis & Butthead' ways... (that show was also relatively new and captivated us so everything was, 'Huh huh... heh heh... mmm... huh huh....') Alright, so there we are, using my 3-way callin and making calls like crazy... no one cared until we called the oldies station. The guy was all, "Yeah! I think you girls are right! He's what, 70 now?" We laughed, he had a good sense humor! "Nah I can't play any KISS tho, you girls know that! Hey... how old are you girls? You sound sorta young to know about KISS..." Sarah being the genius she was blurted out, "17!" Following suit, I said "16" so I'd still be a year younger than her... "Wow, you girls ARE young... how do you know 'bout them?" We scoffed, "WTF are you talking 'bout? Everyone knows about KISS..." then we also rambled off the other bands we liked... Anthrax, Crue, etc... Well, so much for us being geniuses! Obviously not well-versed in law, we didn't realize that we'd still made ourselves appear to be "jailbait"... but who cares, it was a fun conversation! We chatted about 15 minutes about music, he totally fell for our ages cause we were pretty educated in old school rock music... he'd NEVER know I just turned 12 about 2 months earlier. Heh heh.

So the next nite, Sarah & I are bored and decide to call him again! He's happy to hear from us! Oh, his name is "Tom", by the way... he gives us another phone number to call, the direct studio line. We chatted for awhile and in the course of our rambling about music, we mentioned our other friend Jaime... "Well, get her on the line too!" he said... so Sarah called her with her 3-way and soon all 4 of us were rambling... Jaime said she was "16" as well... we started to get a lil more personal... we lied about what high school we went to, and we said we were all juniors... (HAHAHHA OMG we just started middle school...) He said he was 26, graduated years ago! Then he asked what we looked like... we didn't lie, fuck, back then I was only about 125 lbs so I had no reason to lie!!! He said he was normal height, blonde hair, blue eyes... Sarah & I gagged loudly... UGH!!!!   At that point in my life I was real cruel to blonde guys... I thought blonde hair was just soooo unattactive, it's ALL about the dark hair... long dark hair, OMFG!!! Hell, a few months after this at a school dance I'd turn down someone who asked me to dance because he was blonde. When his sister approached me and asked why, I told her to buy her brother some hair dye... she hated me forever after that. (For the record I don't scoff blondes anymore, I definitely prefer dark hair tho...) He also said he had this great body cause he works out... again I stopped him, "Um, no. I don't like that either... I like big guys... I like some extra meat on those bones..." (And for the record, that actually still holds...) He got all pissy, "God, what DO you like??"   Well it sorta led into us girls talking about what we wanted in a guy, etc... it got a bit personal... we had to go to bed so we agreed to call him the following nite.

Next nite, here we are on 3-way again talking to this DJ we don't know... no reservations about telling him everything cause we know we'll never actually MEET this guy. I can't remember exactly when it started getting dirty... but in the 3 weeks this went on for, somewhere along the line we started having phone sex with this guy... since we were only 12 and didn't really know much what to say, we'd talk during lunch about what we were going to say, give each other ideas, write it down, etc!!!   Writing it down helped... ALOT!!   Cause in the moment you'd forget and start laughing... well shit, this went on for MANY more nites... the whole "writing it down" was easy so eventually Sarah & Jaime wrote him a letter, never intending on sending it, but it was in a letter format so I guess it'd be easier to read... I HAD NO PART OF THIS LETTER!   Not that my hands are clean of the situation, but I never contributed to it... I saw it at lunch tho, I think... but Jaime took it home to memorize it or something.
So ya with me? 3 weeks into it, we're talking dirty with a 26-year-old perverted DJ who believed he was talking with some 16-17 year olds... that nite when Jaime took home the letter, she dropped it somewhere in the house. Her bitch mother found it... Sarah & I didn't like her mom, we never went to Jaime's house when her mom was there cause we didn't like her... so, bitch mom finds it and demands to know why the hell we're writing such filthy things and "WHO THE HELL IS TOM?!?" Jaime TOTALLY cracks under the pressure and confesses to EVERYTHING!!! Even telling her how we used 3-way, talked for weeks, the radio station's phone number and the DJ's name...

One of those moments that you never forget... one of the most humiliating moments of my life... early September 1993... we were eating dinner, my whole family and one of my sister's friends was over. Phone rings. I'm mashing around a baked potato, loadin it up with sour cream and chives. Ma answers it... "Hello?... Yes this is her... Huh?.... Lisa's doing what?!!?.... *she said the radio stations' name*... Um, yeah I'll go check the phone bill....." Ma puts the phone down and passed by the table, glaring at me and retrieves the latest phone bill... picks up the phone, "Ah yes, I see here.... oh my God... yeah, go ahead and read it to me..." My heart was pounding so hard!!!! OMG... I remember nearly putting my fork thru the plate since now the WHOLE FAMILY was listening and knew something was very wrong... my name was mentioned, I was turning red, sweatin bullets... JAIME'S MOTHER WAS READING MY MA THE FUCKING DIRTY LETTER!!!!! OMG!!!! I AM SO DEAD!!!! I'M NEVER GONNA SEE EITHER OF THEM AGAIN!!!!   I cannot even describe how much my heart was pounding... Dad asked, "What's going on, Lisa?" I lied, "Uh I don't know..." I could see thru the kitchen that Ma's face was dropping, eyes getting big, hand over mouth, glaring at me... oh man I wanted to die... just fall thru the floor and DIE and never have to face Ma again! This is horrible!!!! And I knew it was Jaime's mother... who else would be such a bitch?

NEXT!!!!!!