slr_europa@yahoo.com http://www.geocities.com/slr_europa/ AIM :: ropachan ************************************************* Need Me, Chapter 8 by Sailor Europa "Usagi-san?" "Hmm?" Ami entered the room quietly. I sat there for a few minutes after Mamoru had left me to my own thoughts, and I welcomed the distraction. "Would it be too impolite if I asked what happened?" I sighed and shook my head. "No. It wouldn't, because nothing happened. He asked how I was and that was about it." I muttered numbly, turning my attention back to the black sky outside. I could feel her frustration, but didn't care to respond to it. "Usagi…" "Ami, really. I'm not feeling up to discussing anything more about it." I finally pulled myself off the hospital bed and brushed past her curtly. "Mamoru didn't have anything to say about the matter, so why should I?" I let the door shut behind me, leaving my bewildered friend alone. ***** "I'm going to be here all night, but there's no reason why anyone else should lose anymore sleep." Tsukasa stated simply as Minako began to gather her things wearily. She looked only a fraction of the bubbly girl that she projected on the news each morning and evening. Her make-up had worn off by this point, and I could tell that she was feeling the pain of the late night. "I wish I could stay, just so that I'm not so far away if any news breaks." Minako said, pulling her newly bobbed hair into a short ponytail. "But if she's doing better, I really shouldn't miss anymore work." She leaned in, holding her large shoulder bag back with one hand, and hugged Makoto's husband. "You have my cell phone number, so please let me know if anything new comes." She paused before adding "Either way." Tsukasa nodded as Minako moved onto myself and Ami, who had just entered, with fierce hugs and promises of getting in touch soon. She retreated shortly after and Tsukasa flopped into one of the worn chairs, sighing. "If you don't mind, Shitaro-san, I think I'll stay." I said, putting a reassuring hand on his shoulder and smiling down at him. He responded in the like, but shook his head. "I appreciate that, and I know Makoto would too, but please don't feel like you have to." "I know that. But I want to." I said earnestly. The thought of going back to that huge bed at the Mizuno mansion was depressing enough, especially knowing that Mamoru would be taking the train back to our apartment. Alone. I couldn't imagine that a night in a hospital waiting room could be any worse. Tsukasa relented and his face softened. "Thank you." He replied, emotion filling his tone. "Makoto always spoke highly of you. I know she'd like to see you when she's able." "I'm staying too." I cast a shock glance in Mamoru's direction as he spoke up, and I stumbled through my sentences in response. I didn't want him here. I wasn't sure I could handle that. "W… what about your work?" I broke out, scrambling for excuses, and found bitterness seep into my next words before I had a chance to stop it. "Don't you have a case you should be working on?" I got a rush of simultaneous pangs of guilt and sadistic pleasure as he cringed visibly, recovering just in time to shake his head. "This is more important." I could hardly quell the emotions inside me as I thought of all the nights I spent alone, waiting for him to find me this 'important'. "I wouldn't want your career to suffer, though." I'd just heard the words when I realized they had come from my mouth. I clenched my jaw, shocked and amazed that I would have the gumption to say such a thing, and at this of all times. Perhaps my lack of adequate sleep was impairing my judgment, but now that my fear over my friends' well being was waning, anger was the only emotion I could find. "Mamoru, I appreciate it, but if you have other obligations, please don't feel that you have to stay." Tsukasa broke in, sensing the tension between us. Mamoru left his eyes locked on mine, a mixture of fear, hurt, confusion and embarrassment whirling inside. I swallowed hard. "I'm not leaving without Usagi." Mamoru said simply. My heart leapt in my throat, and seconds later dropped like a stone into my stomach. "Oh." Tsukasa said, as if he just understood. It was perfectly logical that a husband stay with his wife at such a time. "Well then, I'll let you two decide. I think I'm going to get some coffee." He offered to bring either of us back something, but both parties declined. He left wordlessly. "Usagi…" "You should just leave, Mamoru. She's going to be fine." It was hard to keep the anger from showing itself, but I fought it the best I could. "Usagi." "She's stable now, and out of immediate danger. I just want to make sure…" "Usagi, will you stop ignoring me for a damn moment?" Startled out of my drunken-like mad stupor, I unwillingly met his eyes. The persistent rage and frustration in mine didn't match his though. His features softened for a split second, and he ducked his head to collect himself and wipe away the aggravation from a second ago before taking a step towards me. "Can't we just talk?" He pleaded, attempting to make eye contact, but only able to implore without it. My heart broke and I could feel my mind trying desperately to restore it in time to erect the walls I'd been building. I was so weak already after Mako and then passing out; I didn't think I had the strength to fight something I myself had spent nights praying for. "What's that going to do, Mamoru?" I almost spit out, the last stab my heart could take at resentment. "Usako, please." That stopped me, and only reminded me that I'd heard it almost half a dozen times since I'd entered the hospital hours ago. That name – I'd hardly even recognized it after he stopped bothering to use it almost a year ago. I missed it. I gave my silent consent by ducking my head in reluctant resignation. He exhaled loudly and pulled gently on the sleeve of my sweater, leading me into an empty room just off of the nurse's station. He shut the door quietly before turning on the light. I rubbed my arms in the frigid atmosphere. I wasn't sure if it was from exhaustion or the stark temperatures they kept inside the sterile walls. "What is it, Mamoru?" I asked simply, cursing the tears that threatened to fall now. I turned my back to him and found my eyes tracing the outline of the small walkway out the window. "Usagi, talk to me." He was pleading, and I knew just from his character that it was driving him insane that he had to speak to my back. But he kept his distance, and I looked up at the ceiling in a vain effort to ebb the flow from my eyes. "I… I need to understand." "If you don't understand already, then my explaining it isn't going to make any difference, Mamoru." "I need to hear it from you." He was clenching his teeth, I knew it. "Not from a note, not from legal papers, and not from damn Ayashi-san. I want to hear from your lips those words. I won't believe it until you convince me it's really what you want." I whirled around, furious. "You think it's what I want? You think this is something I'd been wishing for? I haven't been praying for a disappearing marriage, Mamoru, but that's sure as hell what you've been giving me." The tears wouldn't stop now, and I made no effort to brush them away. He stared at me, incredulously, his chest rising and falling heavily as he sucked in each word. "I've spent too many nights wondering when you would come home to give you the satisfaction of my 'explanation'. Take a look at your soaring career and your constant hours logged at that God-forsaken office. That should be enough of a clarification. "I'm sick of playing a distant second to a courthouse and a prestigious partnership. I'm sick of pleading for even 30 minutes of your time. I'm sick of pretending to be asleep when you finally roll into bed at all hours of the night, only to get back up without so much as a 'good morning'. But most of all, I'm sick of lying to myself that this life is enough for me. Because it's not and it hasn't been for a long time. But you can't get enough and since your satisfaction comes from bank figures and verdicts, then I finally gave in and left you to them. They can have you, because I need more. "And I'm not going to wait for it to come back to me anymore." Holding up any semblance of pride I had left in me, I pushed past him and exited the door without another word. The high shoulders began to sag between there and the automatic doors of the hospital, but it wasn't until I could feel the cool air of Tokyo on my face did I let the downpour begin. I'd done it. I'd let it out and despite what I'd anticipated I felt no better. The words tasted like bile and they left a lingering feeling rotting in my chest. No weight had been lifted, no renewed spirit, no closure; nothing was left but pain. ***** I couldn't face the cold, empty mansion in gifu-pref that night. I just couldn't. I'd made up my mind to close up any doors that I'd left open in Tokyo; doors that I wanted to sneak back into my old life through. I had to go back and make sure I dead-bolted all the exits. This time, I had to make sure there was no turning back. The train ride was long and I tried desperately to keep the tears from falling. I knew that the sights would send shockwaves of regret through me, but I was determined to face them all, head-on. But once I stepped out of the cab and onto the familiar street, I wasn't at all prepared for the sensory overload. In the inky black still of the night the town was peacefully beautiful. Few lights dotted the apartment complexes, and the streetlights glowed silently, casting blurry circles across the sidewalk. Sakura trees lined the path for miles along the road. It had only been days since I'd been back, but while I was away, I'd neglected to think about how much I would miss this place, for even though I would always call it home, I knew that the idea of being within such close proximity to Mamoru would make life unbearable. I avoided the heavy streets and took the long route home. It took me right past every place that held a memory from my childhood; Juuban Jr. High; Crown arcade; Naru's old house. My heart squeezed at that thought. I hadn't even thought of Naru in months, let alone spoken with her. We'd been so close, all throughout grade school, but as soon as the senshi entered the picture, I let loose the ties from our friendship. It was then that I realized where else this path was going to take me, even I let it travel that far; the Tsukino household. "Mama…." I whispered, touching my fingers to my lips. How could I have kept her so in the dark? Once she'd found out about Sailor Moon, she'd been so crushed that her daughter kept such an enormous secret from her. How would I break the news to her that my marriage was rapidly dissolving? And why hadn't I thought of her before? Immediately I chastised myself. I had thought of her, only to push those thoughts from the realm of my consciousness seconds after they would emerge. What would she think of me? What would she say? I couldn't hide it from her forever, but to embarrass her with a failure of a daughter was something I would avoid at all costs. My mother was too good for that. Once more, I severed those thoughts and plodded on, my eyes scanning the darkness in an effort to keep my mind occupied. If I stopped to think about something, anything, and how much it meant to me, I'd never get this done. I had to make sure I didn't leave myself any window of opportunity. Every tie had to be cut. But then I saw it. Right in front of me and under my very feet it stood, sparkling in the moonlight light an enormous sapphire. The lake. This was one place that hadn't dawned on me in more than 9 months. I gaped openly at the immense size of it and just how placid it was with no breeze, no rowers, no toy boats; just peaceful tranquility. This was where Mamoru and Usagi fell in love – not Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask, not Princess Serenity and Prince Endymion. No, as fallible humans; as klutzy Usagi and cynical Mamoru, and nothing more. Somehow, those emotions were so much more powerful, even in only memories, when compared to their alter ego's. Destiny sought us out as a prince and his princess and necessity made us allies in battle, but love was what made bound us as humans. The three pairs were inseparable, and it was because of each one that things fell into place. Fate, need and desire all united and it had seemed so perfect. My vision blurred suddenly and tears cascaded down my cheeks. "What went wrong?" I whispered to the unfeeling water beneath me. "When did our fate disappear?" ******************************************* slr_europa@yahoo.com http://www.geocities.com/slr_europa/ AIM :: ropachan