slr_europa@yahoo.com

http://www.geocities.com/slr_europa/

AIM :: ropachan

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Need Me, Chapter 7

by Sailor Europa




	My whole world seemed to be crashing down around me. I clung to the back of 
my husbands black turtleneck like a dying woman. Mamoru rubbed the nape of my neck, 
slowly and methodically, with one hand, the other grasping my waist tightly. The 
moment's prior seemed miles away and I could only pause for a second to ponder 
whether we had stared at each other for minutes like it seemed, or for the mere blink of 
an eye. I closed my eyes and just assumed that Mako's husband, Tsukasa, and Minako 
had been too grief stricken to notice the slightly odd exchange. 

	I hung onto him forever, too afraid of the conversation that would likely occur 
once I had to face him. Things, for at least the time being, began to resemble a rock-solid 
marriage; a sham. I had recently filed for divorce and ran into him, involuntarily, while 
delivering the papers. We'd hardly said two words to each other since I had taken up 
residence a few weeks ago at Ami's. It seemed that the separation had been a welcome 
change of pace for him. In all honesty it shredded my heart with ease to admit that he 
must have seen the disconnection as positive. 

	I don't know why I was so shocked to see him in the waiting room of the ER 
tonight. I let it sink in while he held me and I realized it was logical. Tsukasa would 
likely call our home if anything ever happened to Mako, and of course I wasn't there, so 
Mamoru had to take it. And three hours later you arrived at the present, finding me 
wrapped inside his warm embrace, trying hard to quell the confusing emotions that were 
already running rampant, and only seemed magnified, given the circumstances. 

	I had given in to my feelings in part to keep up appearances. Minako and Tsukasa 
had no idea that Mamoru and I had split up; for the moment, I wanted to keep it that way. 
With Mako under emergency care, I didn't think any more drama needed to be added. 

	I knew that I was also using this as an excuse to stall some more. It gave me the 
perfect excuse to keep it under wraps for the time being; it was true enough, mind you. 
No one needed any other tragedy on top of Mako. The loss of our marriage was 
secondary to a mutual friend's health and well-being. 

	I sniffled as I pulled apart and turned away from the warm embrace, avoiding his 
eyes to face Minako again. She reached out and squeezed my shoulder as I moved farther 
from Mamoru, and she reached in to give him a loving hug as well. I felt a chill race 
through my body and I shivered as I wrapped my arms tightly around my chest. The 
ambiance was frightening in the waiting room now. No one knew what to say or do, least 
of all me. Every time the idea of saying a word to Mamoru popped into my head, my 
tongue turned to cotton and I couldn't speak. What could I possibly say? 

	I guess that wasn't the real problem. I could think of plenty of things to say to 
him, but none would have been prudent at this point in time. And none would have been 
a complete thought. I could yell and scream about how much I hated him, but it would be 
leaving out how empty my life felt these past few weeks, how much I missed him. Those 
feelings were so much harder to express. If I showed the part of me that was angry, it was 
a sure bet that he would reply in the like. But if I let my wounded soul open up to him, 
what would he say? How would he react? I couldn't take that chance, not now. Things 
were too askew in my life as it was without taking that kind of a risk. And in truth, I 
wasn't sure I would ever tell him. I'd tried, and I was always hurt. Maybe it was time to 
just give up and give in. The pain was duller and slower - an ache - unlike the painful stab 
wound to the heart I got every time he turned from me and my attempts to get close. I 
wasn't sure this was better, to be honest. 

	"Usagi…" He murmured my name as soon as Minako turned back to Tsukasa, 
and I could tell there was so much more he wanted to say. But did I want to hear it?

	"Oh, Mizuno-san!" The intensity broke immediately as Mako's husband 
announced the arrival of Ami on the scene, and I took the chance to escape the unease. 

	"Have we heard anything new?" She asked promptly, looking much more 
collected after almost 4 hours of diversion. Her demeanor was clipped considerably, and I 
could only imagine how hard it had been on her to work knowing that her friend was 
unconscious in the same building. 

	"Nothing concrete yet." Tsukasa said, his voice still breaking every time he had to 
report. Ami looked stricken, but kept silent. She inhaled slowly after a moments pause 
and looked up in time to catch Mamoru watching her steadily. For just a second she went 
pale, and her jaw hung open in shock before she masked her surprise just in time. 

	"Mamoru-san, I didn't…. see you." She blinked, and threw a scared glance at me. 
"I'm glad you're here." She added quickly

	"I wish it was under better circumstances." He said gravely and in the blink of an 
eye Ami's expression changed again, pain crossing her face. 

	"Me too." She replied lightly, and I could see the tears cloud her eyes. She wiped 
them away unceremoniously and then smiled up at him. "It's good  to see you, though. 
It'll be good for Usagi-chan to have the support…." She added for my effect. His grip on 
my shoulder tightened considerably, and I could tell he had grasped the same secret 
meaning that I had from the comment. 

	"I know."


*****


	Hours passed before any more news came. I was distracted from my worry about 
Mako-chan, only by the fact that my estranged husband refused to leave my side. 
Between the longing, confused glances out of the corner of his eye, and the intent "we 
need to talk" stares, I had more than enough to keep my mind occupied. Not to mention 
Ami was obviously trying not to let on that she was curious as well, without giving it 
away. It seemed cruel that all this drama was going on while we awaited news on Mako. I 
felt selfish on top of everything else for thinking about myself at a time like this. And yet, 
how could I possibly make the confusion vanish without getting rid of Mamoru as well? 

	The only right thing to do seemed clear, though cruel, I think: I ignored Mamoru. 
I knew that I was too much of a wreck to pretend that I could lean on him. But at the 
same time, I was too devoid of anger or any other negative, fiery emotion. I couldn't 
muster even the desire to be enraged at him; for showing up, for acting like nothing ever 
happened. I thought back to my despondent, defeated attitude of the past few months. 
Seeing him and feeling the emptiness, the deflated ego inside me, felt like complete and 
utter acceptance of the situation. I thought that maybe, after being able to stand in the 
same room and not bend to one extreme passion or the other, this was sign of things to 
come. Perhaps the waves of passion and passionate loathing had subsided, giving way to 
a calm, storm-less sea of complacency. 

	After another hour or so of no news, Tsukasa and Mamoru took a walk towards 
the cafeteria, and Minako had fallen into a sound nap, curled up on one of the unyielding 
waiting room chairs. Ami immediately pulled me roughly into one of the empty rooms, 
and shut the door. 

	"Usagi…" 

	"I know!" I interrupted before she could even begin. I shrugged, shivering a little 
under the cold sterility of the tiny space. I glanced at the tiny mechanically driven bed 
behind me, and pictured Mako lying in it, still and lifeless. I shuddered involuntarily and 
turned back around. 

	"Well, are you OK?" She asked, putting a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off. 
I knew that it was simply from my shattered nerves, but I was annoyed at her pity just the 
same. 

	"Ami, I didn't want to see Mamoru anyway, let alone while Mako's on her 
deathbed." I retorted sarcastically. "Of course I'm not OK." Ami's soft features looked 
stricken for only a moment before she hid it. I knew she was trying to understand where I 
was coming from. We were all fearful for our friend, and our nerves were all worn to the 
root. But now I had to pile on the charade of marriage; I was under more stress and I 
could see that Ami was trying to be compassionate about that. But I was worn to beneath 
the skin, and I could feel my muscles chaff as they sat against the bone. The skeleton was 
weary of having to support not only the weight of me physically, but mentally and 
emotionally as well. I didn't know how much more it could hold. But I wasn't about to 
add more by trying to hold back petty emotions like cynicism and bitterness. I wasn't of 
the belief that it was worth it. 

	"Usagi, you have to get a hold of yourself. You have two problems here; now, one 
you can't do anything about." Her face softened, and she gave my bicep a gentle squeeze. 
I felt my stomach flutter under the display of concern, despite my sour demeanor. "But 
you can at least try to resolve the situation with Mamoru." Tears sprung up at her hopeful 
words and tone; how dare she try to make me wish again. 

	"Resolve?" I sputtered, the tears scattering as my head bobbed, my neck giving 
way to the pressure. "You think I have the strength to even try to resolve this? Now, of all 
times?" 

	"Usagi-chan, I agree that this isn't an ideal place to discuss anything, let alone the 
dissolution of a marriage, but this scene is heart-breaking enough without adding on top 
of it the turmoil of your feelings about Mamoru." She sighed, shaking her head in 
exasperation. "Give up the pride for a second. If only for your sanity's sake."

	"I can't trust my emotions. I can't risk blowing up or falling apart right now. I 
have to be strong!" I sobbed, realizing even then what a contradiction I was speaking. 

	"Says who?" 

	I didn't get a chance to respond before the door flew open and Mamoru poked his 
head in. 

	"The doctor just got out of the OR."


*****


	"Shitaro-san's condition is stable as of right now. We were able to control the 
bleeding enough to get her and the baby through delivery." 

	"Are they both…" Tsukasa mumbled, tripping over the words. The doctor 
remained cold and devoid of emotion. 

	"Both mother and daughter are under constant monitoring. Shitaro-san is resting 
in the IC Unit, while baby is in an incubator." He paused dramatically while we all took 
gave collective sigh, after what seemed like hours of holding our breath. "I won't lie and 
say that the next 48 hours aren't crucial. How they respond to the surgery within that time 
frame will be telling. If your wife can regulate her own breathing, I see no reason why 
you shouldn't expect a full recovery. However, the baby was several weeks early, and 
due to the accident, suffered some cranial trauma. I saw no indication of long-term 
serious damage, but under the sudden circumstances that occurred, we can't be 100% 
sure of the outcome." A heartbeat passed before he concluded with the obligatory, "Only 
time will tell at this point."

	Tsukasa talked privately with him some more, and the rest of us collapsed in a fit 
of relieved tears and giddy, loose smiles. We all surrounded each other in a tangle of 
arms and shoulders and hair, words completely inaudible as they mixed with sobs and 
sniffles and general wailing. My intake of air was shaky at best, and the light-headed 
feelings barely registered. I was swimming in relief and happiness and appreciation of 
life. I didn't even notice when my eyelids closed to release a fresh crowd of tears, and as 
the fluid fell to the floor, my limbs and figure went with them. I was only aware of 
respite; a blissful reprieve. 


*****


	"Usagi-chan…"

	Mmmm…. What was that?

	"…Unconscious?…. spell…." 

	I could hear the voices, but nothing seemed intelligible. The smell was funny, too. 
Like plastic…

	"Usako? Usako?"

	…. Mamo-chan? 

	"Mmmm…. Mamo-chan?"

	"Usagi!" His voice was clearer now. "Oh thank God, Usako…" 

	I tried to pull my head up, but found it almost impossible. Moaning, I laid it back 
down with a thump. Blinking several times, I took in my surroundings. The room was 
softly lit, and the railing on the bed gave it away – a hospital. The past few hours came 
back like a flood, and I forced my lids shut again. Mako-chan…. She was still here. But 
she was doing better, I reminded myself. Relief found its way to me just then, and I 
remembered what had happened in striking detail. Mamoru had showed up and then the 
surgeon came out… and then I went out. 

	"How… how long was I out?" I murmured. I looked around to find both Ami and 
Minako next to the bed, along with Mamoru. Ami gave me a small, gentle smile. Minako 
could barely contain the paranoia written all over her face; a small pang of guilt hit me as 
I realized I'd only added to the stress of the day. 

	"Only a couple minutes." Ami said. Minako smiled, barely, and I tried to return it 
in an effort to relieve the worry. 

	"You scared the life out of us, Usagi-chan." She mumbled, obviously a little 
embarrassed. "We already have one friend hanging by a thread…." 

	"I'm sorry." I replied, the weight of my confusion setting in. I stared down at my 
pink sweater and sighed. "I guess the stress just took over." 

	"Minako…." Ami started, giving me a grave glare. "Let's let them alone for a 
moment, hm?" She quietly ushered the blonde from the room unceremoniously and shut 
the door with an audible 'whoosh' as the air exited. There was an uncomfortable pause as 
neither of us could find words to say anything. I wondered what must have been going 
through his head. He must have known that my passing out was partly due to the pressure 
the marriage was putting on me. At least, I guess in my sadistic heart, I wanted him to 
realize that. 
	
	"How are you feeling?" He asked quietly. I didn't look up at him. I simply 
inhaled slowly and then sighed. 

	"Better."

	"You really had us worried." 

	I nodded, wanting desperately to sit myself up at that point. For some reason, I 
felt the need to support my own weight just then. 

	"I am sorry. It just caught up with me, I think. Knowing she was OK after hours 
of uncertainty and…" I trailed off, immediately wondering why I couldn't say what came 
after that 'and' in my mind. Maybe I was giving in too much to the charade I'd been 
playing for the others in the waiting room; maybe I thought that if I didn't talk about it, 
and just ignored it, it would go away. Tears stung my eyes though. If I ignored it, it only 
seemed to get bigger. 

	"Are you going to be OK, Usako?" 

	I had to shut my eyes to keep the tears from escaping. I wasn't going to be OK, 
and it was all his damn fault. Having him here just reminded me how much I need him; 
wanted him, and yet because of the situation, couldn't have him. He'd been playing the 
part of the dutiful husband in front of everyone else, but I couldn't be near him, couldn't 
let him touch me as if he still cared, knowing that it didn't a lick of difference. I didn't 
want the act anymore. 

	"Yes." I said, turning and gazing out the window into the inky black Tokyo night. 
"Yes, I'm going to be fine."


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slr_europa@yahoo.com

http://www.geocities.com/slr_europa/

AIM :: ropachan