************************************* Need Me – Chapter Five By Sailor Europa "Gomen nasai, Usagi-chan…." Came a rushed voice as the door to the study burst open and Ami bustled in swiftly, setting her papers and briefcase aside before taking a deep breath and looking at me. I watched her in shocked interest as she exhaled and flopped across from me on a leather couch, opposite the matching love seat I was stretched upon. "The head of the hospital got to yakking about one of the patients he saw a month ago and why he couldn't believe they were thinking about filing a suit against him…." She paused and closed her eyes. I simply blinked. "It doesn't matter. I just couldn't shut him up. I'm an hour late and I'm sorry." "It's OK." I shrugged complacently and tossed my book on the coffee table between us after dog-earing my page. She gave me a frazzled smile and leaned in. "How're you doing? Marta told me you got a phone call…." Ami asked, not so subtly digging for information. I sighed; I wasn't particularly in the mood to discuss my conversation with Ayashi-san. I knew that I was going to have to retrieve those papers in two days and eventually deliver them to Mamoru's door. I was so confused as to what the hell I was going to do or when I was going to do it. I didn't feel like having someone else question my actions on top of my own mounting inquiries. "It was my lawyer, Ayashi-san. He was just calling to check up on me." I replied blandly. I stood up and stretched, deliberately turning away from my friend. I yawned; my back was unusually tight. I put my hands just above my buttocks and thrust my pelvis forward and groaned until everything snapped into place. "And?" She prodded. I craned my neck to watch her anxious face and shrugged. "And the papers will be done in a couple days. I'll need to go into Tokyo to pick them up." "Are you going to deliver them in person?" Her voice touched on surprise and again I shrugged. "Probably." "Why?" I whirled around to face her, and her expression had changed to one of total horror. I blushed involuntarily and then cursed myself. "W…why not?" I mumbled, my confidence shattering beneath my feet. She shook her head and leaned back, the taught leather upholstery squealing under the pressure. "Usagi….Does he even know where you are?" She asked, then shook her head and began again. "What I mean is, you left today, and presumably he hasn't been home for over 24 hours. He's going to return eventually, and when he finds you gone, he's going to have to wonder where the hell his wife is." Her eyes widened. "And then you're going to show up, out of the blue, divorce papers in hand and say "See you in court."? Don't you think you're going about this the wrong way? He won't have time to think, let alone react, correctly. You're hitting him upside the head, practically!" I collapsed back onto the sofa and put my head in my hands. I didn't cry, which surprised me. I desperately wanted to. I felt like I needed to, but the well was dry and I couldn't even muster a dry sob, let alone a downpour. "I don't know what else to do, Ami." I glanced up warily, my face scrunched up in pain. "I don't think I can face him again. I don't think I can look him in the eyes…." I shut my eyes tight and covered my face again, sniffling. I could hear my friend jump up and put a vice-like grin around my shoulders, and pull me close. I leaned my head on her shoulder as she shushed me like a frightened child. "Usagi…." She stopped and contemplated her words carefully before continuing. "I know you still love Mamoru-san, and I know that you want to work things out, above all else. But by going about this behind his back, and not being upfront about your feelings, you aren't giving him a chance to realize your need. You aren't giving your marriage a chance to survive." "I've tried Ami…." I murmured, half-heartedly, into her arm. "He won't talk to me at all, and it's like I'm not even there. He sees right through me and I don't know what else to do." I repeated numbly, finally pulling away and looking her in the eyes. "Does it make me a bad person to just say 'enough is enough'? I want to take the high road and try to salvage this but….What happens when I've reached my limit?" I questioned earnestly. Her eyes stared back blankly, with an innocence only achieved by someone who truly couldn't understand my point of view. She was sympathetic, but I felt overcome with sobs when I noticed flickers of pity in her gaze. The tears came, and I seriously wondered if I wasn't simply losing my mind for giving up. Clearly Ami hadn't been in a relationship where she'd had to give as well as take, and in which no one person could be wholly responsible for. She saw patients each day who depended on her for their soul support and trusted her to a fault. She's never had to look at someone and struggle to see what she used to see; to find any remnant of the past in her present. Her life was full each time the sun set on a day, and she could feel good that she had lead another person to a better life. But I'd had Mamoru and that was it. And to put my whole heart and soul into supporting him and his career this way should have been fulfilling. But I was holding the weight of our marriage by myself; a weight that should have been held by two. It was only a matter of time before my resolve broke and I couldn't do it any longer. And the heavy, aching in my chest told me that it was time to just let go before I damaged myself anymore trying to save a dying force. ***** I'd told Ami I wanted to be alone, and with some hesitation and after a quick hug, she finally settled me into the living room just set off from the entry way, which she assured me was the quietest room in the house. I could tell she was itching to talk about the matter, but I held back this time. I would be staying in the same room I had the last time, but I knew that this was not nearly the same circumstance. I was here by choice, and with that overwhelming thought weighing heavily on my mind and heart, I wasn't sure if I was emotionally capable of discussing my feelings in depth. I thought about just hours before when I had locked the apartment door behind me, and shook my head. It had seemed like weeks ago. The wide, open room was spacious and I quickly settled against the lounge that was next to the floor-to-ceiling picture window overlooking the neatly manicured lawn. I set my book aside, favoring the scenery beyond the sheer glass, sunlight drizzling through the large trees onto the greenery. I pulled my legs up beneath me and laid my cheek against the linen armrest, staring absently outside. Ami had left with a small urging to "let it out". She was worried that I wasn't accepting the situation fully. I hated putting her in this place; she wasn't the greatest friends with Mamoru and never had been. But since junior high my close-knit clique had involuntarily been my sounding board through all my trials in love. And with the association Tuxedo Kamen had with the Senshi, it was inevitable that some bond, no matter how weak, would be formed. The future hadn't been a secret to any of us, and now I was forcing one of my best friends to help me change the course of fate. My cheeks were damp again, and I groaned inwardly, closing my eyes as the tears cascaded freely. I was at a loss for words, actions and emotions. I felt utterly devoid of anything and everything, stumbling through the hours in a daze. I knew Ami was right, I thought bitterly. I hadn't handled this correctly, and I wasn't allowing my heart enough time to deal with the full effect this would have on me…. Oh God, I had filed for divorce. I buried the bridge of my nose in the crook of the lounge and felt my shoulders shake. Giving up was so hard, I was losing everything at my own free will, and yet there was a large part that was clinging to the past desperately as if my sanity depended on it. I hated being torn in two directions; what I had assumed was my pre-determined destiny, and what was quickly revealing itself to be a stranger, more frighteningly real future. Mamoru had been my life, and I couldn't see myself as anything without him in it. I buried my face in one of the plush pillows and, as Ami had requested, let it out. ***** "Ayashi-san, you're 12:30 is here." I heard the muffled responses from the intercom on the front desk announce an affirmative, and with an unceremonious nod, she waved me back. I blinked absently, barely managing a smile in return before I disappeared around the corner and through the ornate double doors at the end of the hall. I paused, my hand in the motion of knocking, and peered in through the window adjacent to the oak door in front of me. Ayashi-san was glancing over a few sheets, or attempting to, as he gestured wildly, talking animatedly into the phone nestled snugly between his shoulder and cheek. I watched for a second, wondering if those were my papers he was pouring over, or if, perhaps, the person on the other end of the line was the attorney Mamoru had chosen on his behalf. Had he even found my letter? Had he been home yet? I drew in a deep breath and knocked, tearing my gaze away from the sight before me. Within a few moments, an audible "come in!" acknowledged my existence, and I tentatively turned the knob in front of me. "Good afternoon, Usagi-san." He said warmly, with a small amount of informality. I nodded, hands clasped in front of me, clutching my purse like a vice. He seemed to sense my discomfort, and gestured for me to sit down. I complied and sat wordlessly in one of the unyielding plastic, art-deco chairs that were perched facing the lawyers desk. He dismissed my unease and met my gaze with the confidence of someone who had been through the drill many times prior. "I do have your papers drawn up, and I'd like to take a moment to discuss them with you before we decide how to handle the matter from this point. Is that satisfactory?" Without thinking, I nodded. "Good." From a file system on his left he retrieved a manila folder and laid in open on the desk in front of me. "According to the specifications you made in our previous meeting, I took the liberty of putting together a program that will make this as easy as possible." It was then that I blanked out completely. His lips obviously emitting sound, I stared incomprehensibly. In retrospect, I couldn't remember if it was simply the terms that were going over my head and making comprehension impossible, or if I had let my emotions take over at this point in time. I'm not sure; I just felt numb. He talked about insurance and pre-nuptial agreements, my rights. I was at such a loss; I don't think I could draw a single sentence he spoke of from my memory now if I wanted to. Once he had finished up and closed the envelope, he retrieved a tan folder from his desk drawer and neatly placed my files inside and handed them to me. I accepted them, not really having a choice. "Now, I'd like to ask how you plan on getting your husbands copies to him." He hesitated a bit, and wrung his hands nervously. "I…I was thinking of doing it in person. Why?" "I'm just trying to prepare you for the reaction you might get, whichever course of action you decide to take." I nodded. "The receiver is likely to be upset, and sometimes being face-to-face can be traumatic for both parties present." His eyes softened in an obvious effort to prepare me for the worst. "I'd like you to understand before hand, that this will not be easy, no matter what road you take." "Hai, I know Ayashi-san. And I appreciate it." I knew that I should have been thankful for finding such a compassionate lawyer when they were known for being hard and emotionless, but I couldn't seem to bring the necessary feelings to fruition. I watched this man in front of me, and although his steely glare was more sincere and coated with sympathy, my mind wouldn't function enough to praise him. "Once your husband has obtained a lawyer of his own, I'll get back in touch with you, all right?" He asked, and I nodded, managing a small smile of gratitude. "And if you have any questions, please feel free to call. I know this can be confusing for first time clients." First time? I blinked, and my heart skipped a beat. I had heard it before, but as I experienced this first hand, I couldn't possibly imagine doing this again and surviving. ***** "Ami-chan?" I spoke, slightly loudly, into the cracked door. Light filtered from the desk lamp at the far end of the other room, and I heard my friend beckon me inside. I pushed the hinges inward with a slight creak. "Hai, Usagi? Is everything all right?" She swiveled in her chair and glanced as I stood still beneath the door frame. I hesitated for a moment before beginning abruptly. "Ami, I reserved a ticket for tomorrow. I'm going to deliver the papers then." My voice was quick and clipped. I hoped to convey enough confidence that she wouldn't doubt my actions, but as I spoke the words, I feared that the only thing evident was my unshakable fear. "Will you be coming back?" "Of course!" I rushed in reply, then blushed and looked down at my pigtails trailing on the floor. I shuffled my socked toe into the navy carpet. "I mean, if that's OK with you." "You know you're always welcome to stay here." She rolled her eyes. "I would never let you stay in a hotel when you were in such shape. You should really be with someone." I bit my tongue, not about to vocalize a thought on the matter. I had recently found a shift of personal space that bordered on emotional ambivalence. If I made any moves towards opinions, or thought too deeply about this, the glass casing I was in would crack, and the all ready shaking walls would come tumbling down around me. If I was to endure the coming months, I would need every shred of confidence, no matter how false it was, I could get. ***** My fist was balled, poised to rap against the hollow wooden door in the upper- west side of Tokyo. The door that right now blocked me from my life, and my husband, even though at that point the line between the two was slightly blurred. It had become hard to distinguish the boundaries in between the two. I felt as if I left one, I would lose the other. I was sinking in quick sand. I licked my lips, and smoothed my two pigtails again, and then straightened my jacket. I wore jeans; I wasn't sure how to appear. Or how I would appear. Mamoru was a mystery to me and even if I showed up in Victoria's Secret, right now I wouldn't have a clue as to how he would react. What the hell was I supposed to do? What if he wasn't home? Should I serve him the papers at his office? Was my mind so set on vengeance that I even allowed that to be considered as a plausible option? "Mamoru…." I whispered, almost pretending he could hear me. I didn't want to have to knock; If only he could have opened the door to find me there so I didn't have to take the initiative. I wasn't sure I could manage. This road I was on, the steps that would eventually lead to the end – none of it felt like my fault. But each moment, each second of each day, I was forcing myself on with this. The divorce was in my hands. It had to be. I knocked. Softly first, but with growing power. My arms felt like wet spaghetti afterwards. It was a strain to wipe away the stray tears that had accumulated at the edges of my eyes at that point. But I made the motions, and shifted from one foot to the other. What the hell was I doing? I used to live here; I had a key. I felt like a solicitor, trying to sell something to an acquaintance, clueless as to how he would respond to the suggestion. This was all new to me. I felt wretched. I shifted the crinkling envelope from one sweaty palm to the other and then rubbed my fingers along my jeans. Absently I checked my watch. What time did Mamoru's office close? Six PM? It was already Seven. Should I have called? Would it have made a difference? I stamped in frustration. I couldn't believe this. All this way and the damn, insufferable, hateful bastard wasn't even home. He was at work. While I was muddling through feelings of self-mutilation and inadequacy. He had to have been home last night. He would have found my letter as he approached his desk, intent on reading two days worth of mail. He would have read it over and over again, disbelieving every word. And then he would have called. He should have called. But he didn't call. He returned to work. His life went on as planned. Without me. How long had I not been included in his daily routine? I realized that cutting me out of the picture did not alter his world at all. This was no change for him, but it was different on my end. He had been what I rose for in the morning. To remove his influence was to eliminate everything. It was Armageddon. I shook my head harshly. Damn him to hell, I thought. He didn't deserve the respect that a face-to-face confrontation brought. I inhaled loudly, drawing back the tears and phlegm and then jammed the fat, overwhelmed enveloped through the mail slot. He wouldn't be able to miss it when he finally returned home. Would he be able to ignore this as well? Perhaps. I took a shaky breath; there was no turning back now. I bit back tears in frustration and rubbed at my eye with a balled up fist that was unwilling to relax. My muscles were a wreck. A fleeting consideration echoed in the recesses of my mind; a flicker of thought questioning my self-worth now that I was alone. I wasn't in love. I wasn't a wife. I was never a mother. I wasn't even employed. My heart skipped a beat and that was all it took to halt those emotions. It was too late to fall apart. That ship had sailed. I had to rely on strength, my own, from now on. I couldn't allow my resolve to crumble anymore. Perhaps it was my current foggy state that impaired the senses. I couldn't be sure at the time. I heard a distinct jingle of keys, and realizing I wasn't alone, I gathered my wits about me and inhaled deeply. These people were, at one point, my neighbors and they would know about the situation soon enough. I didn't need gossip circulating before hand about the misshapen ex-wife hanging around her old residence. I whirled around just in time. "….Usako?" ******************************************************* *throws head back* BWUHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!