It's just getting good! Hope you're sticking with me! This is it!! slr_europa@yahoo.com http://www.geocities.com/slr_europa AIM :: SeeShelliRun ************************************************* Love Through Time ~ A Serena and Darien Saga Volume Two, Chapter Eight By Sailor Europa "I'm not sure where she'd be...." I muttered to myself as I slammed my front door, confused as I set out onto the desolate streets of London. I glanced down at the stones beneath my feet and muttered to myself as I heard the tiny little clink as they slammed against my shoes. I sighed tiredly as I began my journey to my mothers house, for once not too eager to actually arrive there. I was fairly sure she had heard something about the situation, and that it wouldn't take her too long to figure out that I was a major part in it. Hell, she had guessed my involvement with Serene from the very beginning.... So I wanted to clue her into the details before she had a chance to attack me with questions about them. I hesitated before starting down the road again, knowing very well that she would not be in her own home. No, most every day she was with her best friend, Selene Patrick, and it was a safe venture to head out there first. However I knew I was heightening my chances of seeing Serene. And the idea both frightened me and made my heart flip. I desperately wanted to see her again, I didn't want to give up on the idea of an _us_ . I couldn't. I wouldn't let myself. Giving up on her would be giving up on my heart and soul, and everything close to my emotions. I couldn't give up on her, not without surrendering my whole life. ***** I stood impatiently out on the front steps of the Patrick residence, nervously biting my lip as I awaited an answer to my knocking. I exhaled anxiously just as the door flew open, and I sighed in relief, only to fight a sneer when I watched the confused face of Luc appear behind the other side. I rolled my eyes as he let me in and seated me, just as he began pacing not 5 feet in front of me. "I'm so glad you're here, Darien....." His annoying, low lilted accent rolled into the air. I kept my expression stony, not bothering to ask why. I didn't care if he just shut up right then. I sighed though, knowing he wouldn't, and leaned back against the couch. "It's Serene." I bolted up immediately at her mention. My eyes widened, suddenly completely alert. My heart stopped as Luc gazed back at me sorrowfully, and I felt it leap in fear, wondering if for a second, she could have told him....God, she couldn't have.... "She's been totally despondent the past few days, and no one can shake her from this mood! She won't talk to me, or even her mother.....It's frightening." I blinked. Despondent? The past few days? "What?" I mumbled. I shook my head slightly, trying hard not to cry one minute and then laugh the next. I couldn't believe it....I had done this? "The weddings been postponed...." I could barely make out his miserable tone, muttering sadly indirectly towards me. I choked. Postponed? Oh my God....She's having doubts. I let my voluntary smile drift onto my face, only to quickly hide it, knowing how insensitive that could look. I glanced over at my competition, and for the slightest second, my heart sank. He was slouched down in a chair, his unshaven face being rung carelessly in his hands. I could hear him sigh slightly, knowing that I wasn't meant to catch it. I felt like an ass. Hell, I was an ass. I sighed to myself, disgusted with myself, both because of my insensitivity and the fact that I was finally gaining a conscience just as there was a glimmer of hope for the situation. I shook my head, vowing not to think about it now. "Darien, you're so close to her. You must talk to her and find out what's wrong. She's so upset, and I can hardly get any kind of a response out of her." He asked me tiredly, and I realized then that he had probably been here all night. I blinked, barely comprehending that I hadn't heard him come in last night. He had stayed the night here.... "I don't know...." The idea of talking on the behalf of this oblivious intruder, made my stomach churn violently. The bile rose in my throat at just the thought. "Please! I'm so frightened and I...." His head had flown up, and for the first time, the desperation rung out and I practically let my jaw hang open. He was so firm and forceful for the first time in my presence and I could tell just by that, that he was scared. "I don't know what else to try." My face fell. I couldn't say no. It wasn't him, but the thought of Serene being alone and confused was more than upsetting to me, especially since I had done it. I nodded mutely to his solemn figure and he just sighed in return. "All right..." I mumbled, pulling my suddenly heavy body from my seat. "She's in her room...." I took a deep breath and began the journey up the flight of stairs, my gut tying in knots as my mind dwelled upon it all. I didn't look back, afraid that looking at that lonely form in the parlor would get the better of me, and I would lose my nerve. ***** "Serene?" I called lightly, rapping gently on the door. It swung open easily, as I stepped slowly inside. Her head turned at the sound, but her face was frozen in an emotionless state, not even a flicker of feeling at the sight of me. I felt my heart just about slam right into my rib-cage at that, and I swallowed hard. I didn't know how I was going to get myself through this without breaking down. "Yes?" She asked calmly, her tone just as cold as her expression. I stayed put, not wanting to take the risk of going closer, although God knows I wanted to. "I've heard you've been a little....distant lately." I tried to steady my shaky voice as I spoke. She didn't turn around to face me. "I just wanted to make sure you're OK." "I'm fine." Came the same, careful, slow response. She was sitting with her back to me at her high, wooden desk, her back stiffly facing me. I wrung my hands nervously as I shifted my feet. "Why do you ask?" "Well, Luc had said that things hadn't been the same for the past few days, and I was just wondering why...." I trailed off, almost immediately groaning at my words. That had not come out right. She whirled around angrily, her face now ridden with anger. I could now see her features clearly, and her eyes were watering violently, the exterior red and puffy, and I could only feel my whole body shake in response to her pitiful figure. "WHY?! You want to know why I'm so upset? You have the insensitivity to lay such a heavy burden on me, and then the audacity to ask WHY I'm upset?" She had leapt up from her chair now, her steps heavy and stalking as she tread towards me. I was taken aback, the back of my mind referring to that last night, and the sting of her hand across my face. I tried to brace myself for impact once more. "Why in the hell do you THINK I'm so upset?" I didn't speak. I was frozen completely in my tracks, not able to utter a sound. "I'll tell you why...." She paused, her shoulders slumping, almost in a defeated form. I wanted to cry. I could so many emotions run through her, and I couldn't stop the suffering it was putting on me at the same time. I could swear someone was ripping my insides out, it was so painful. "Because I am no longer happy with myself, Darien! You have the foolishness to try to come into my life, play my savior, like you have the right!" Her body drew closer, and she stared up at me with those hard, defiant blue eyes, daring my own to look away. "What makes you think I want to be saved? What makes you think I'm not content, that you have a claim on my emotions?" I blinked. I knew it wasn't physical, but it was as if she was slapping my soul. Ripping into me, tearing out my emotions. It was worse than the other night. "You had your chance, two years ago, to stake your claim." She stepped away slightly, the madness and anger melting from her words suddenly. "And you made it clear that you didn't want to claim me." Her eyes flickered, and I watched them pool over. I wished to God that the situation were different and I could wrap her in my arms until the tears ceased. But I couldn't. I had made sure of that. "And now Luc...." She choked out, her voice crackling with emotion. "Luc's postponed the wedding, and I can only feel my emotions getting more and more mixed up...." I stopped immediately, my mind catching one word she had just uttered. "Luc?" I muttered numbly. Luc had been the one? But he had been so...heart broken about the whole thing....It didn't make sense. "Luc wanted to make sure I was positive about the engagement....He's been so patient, and now...." She mumbled, almost to herself, and she shook her head to the side, tears streaming long lines down her cheeks. I watched her feelings crumble in front of me, and I was ripped in two. I had been so wrong, and now I had to watch in horror as my best friend and the woman I loved more than anything break into an emotional wreck, and because of my own foolishness, I could only stand by. A spectator, not able to offer any kind of real comfort. None that would be accepted, even though I wanted more than anything to just brush the tears aside and tell her how sorry I was. But I couldn't. That was my punishment. "Serene...." I muttered, my own voice completely numb and practically silent. She shook her head, sniffing in solitude as she brought her head up to look at me. "I am sure about the engagement." She said suddenly, her voice completely determined. I just stared in amazement as she took another deep breath and brushed right past me, leaving my bewildered figure alone in her room. I stared at the door, wanting her to come back in, but knowing deep down she wouldn't. I inhaled greatly, leaning my weary figure against the wall of her room. I glanced around, nothing really registering inside my mind at that point. I shook my head. Well, at least Luc will be happy. I mean, after all, I had gotten Serene out of her shell. I stared across the room, staring at the abstract, deep mauve wall paper. My eye-line didn't budge, and I felt my heart sink after a few moments. I groaned inwardly, realizing suddenly that I had been able to accomplish everything but that of which I wanted. All I'd been doing is pushing Serene farther away, and even though I loved her, I knew deep down that right now I didn't even have her as a friend right now. Somehow, during my panic, I'd lost all her trust, and the love she did at one time have for me. What had I done? I closed my eyes mercifully and sunk down to the floor, my back pressed up against the wall. I didn't know what to do anymore, I'd lost everything, and in only a few days time. I felt the pain -bearing tears rise into my eyes, and that familiar knot choke my throat. My voice was hoarse with confused sobs, and I almost laughed at the pitiful figure I must have been displaying, but I could only manage more scared cries. I didn't know what was happening to my mind, I felt like I was going insane, that nothing rational was left in my mind. I grasped desperately at the rest of my sanity, holding on for dear life. My throat involuntarily sucked in a large breath, bringing my tear soaked face up, to face the room that surrounded me. It suddenly dawned on me that this was the first time I had been in Serene's room. In all the time we'd been friends, I had never dared go up to her room. And now, all of a sudden, here I was, going virtually insane in it. Letting a slight hiccup escape, I distracted my emotions by taking in everything around me. The wall paper, the cherry wood desk in the left corner, the large canopy bed. I gave a small smile, thinking of her laying peacefully each night beneath the covers, only to have that thought disturbed the depressing image of her crying into her pillow, or tossing restlessly the past few nights. I turned my head away in disgust and frustration, turning my attention back to the neatly organized desk, clean and recently dusted, I noticed. I walked tentatively towards it, almost afraid someone would find me in there. I watched it carefully as it came closer, and the details became clearer about it. The knotting, the quill pen atop it...And a journal perched in the central most part. I inhaled sharply as my thinking stopped. I just stared. Her journal, everything she had ever thought about anything in her life. It was already open to a page, and I knew Serene well enough to know that she would have to be pretty distracted to be so careless. I swallowed. God, it was so close, and it would be so easy. I've exhausted all my other sources on her, and I couldn't even talk to her like I used to. I was so confused and frustrated, and right now the easiest answer was staring me right in the face, taunting me, just daring me to do it.... But the consequences were mind blowing. If she were to walk in and catch me, Lord...I would be in even more trouble. Any slim chance I had now of reconciling any kind of trust would be shattered a million times over after that. Things could get so much worse, and I hated the thought of actually losing her for good, just to satisfy my own curiousity... My eyes bore into the leather bound book, a few lines scribbled on the page in front of me. I couldn't make out what it said just then, but as soon as my eyes caught upon my name, I was hooked. I shoved my guilt aside, hoping that I wasn't as good a soul as I should be, and sat down quietly at the desk. Flipping back a couple pages to the beginning of the most recent entry, I took a deep breath and read. June 23 - I have been up all night long, journal. As if it hadn't been hard enough for me to come back and face my past, things have just gotten worse. I left so long ago to escape all the confused and neglected feelings I felt. I needed to find myself back then, and leaving was the only thing to do. It was so horribly hard to just pick up and leave, but I felt I stayed too long to begin with. But coming back was harder. Despite how awful I felt after not being able to say good-bye, coming back home and realizing that things had not resolved themselves was even worse. I was naive and foolish to think I could run away from all my problems, not expect them to find me eventually. But I couldn't see anyway of getting around them. And at the time, the thought of actually facing Darien again made me want to die right then and there. Leaving was the only safe alternative I could think of. And now, after so long, I only find that things have only worsened, and my feelings seem only heightened. That does not mean I'm thinking of changing my mind on these matters. It'd be pointless to compare these two men, and I love them both equally, and in different ways. I've gotten to a point where life without either of them would be pointless. I'm so frustrated right now, and I can't even begin to explain why. I wish I could straighten out everything in my mind before I tried to act it out. But I don't have enough time. I can only do what my mind is telling me to do. God knows my heart has been too confusing lately. The previous few entries were pretty much the same thing. Somewhat vague, and all too disappointing to my eager soul. I wanted to find out more, but it seemed as if Serene was being as non descriptive with herself as she had been with everyone else.... I flipped back a couple pages, finding to my great surprise that she had not taken the journal to Paris with her. I was shocked, finding a huge two year gap between two entries. I didn't recognize the date, but after reading a few lines, I knew it was right around the time her Grandmother had died. The timeline shouldn't have kept me reading, but I felt a tug around it, and my eyes darted from side to side, skimming the page until something caught my eye. I found out some very surprising information about Grandmother during that last visit. In between choked sobs she shocked me by telling me about a forbidden affair with another man, while being married to Grandfather, just years after mother was born. I had always known their marriage wasn't the happiest, but the story had me taken aback. I wasn't saddened or disappointed in her either, to tell the truth. Even though her voice was low and almost inaudible, I could just hear the emotion roll from her, and I watched the tears roll down her face. I felt my own eyes well up, and it hurt so bad to watch her in so much emotional pain. I know I'm only 16, and I shouldn't even expect to understand this, but my mind is already whirling around it as I write this. It puzzles me, and I wish I could understand it better, because I can already tell that it's a valuable piece of information. Just before I left, she grabbed my hand and looked me straight in the eye, and I don't think I will ever forget her words. She told me in all earnest, never to settle for anything less than true love. That settling for second best was never enough and that I would regret it for the rest of my life if I let myself do that. It hit me hard. I can't put my finger on it, but something about that just rung true throughout my whole heart and soul. I wanted to cry right then, knowing that she had gone through almost her whole life, knowing what she left behind. I don't want to do that. She said that once you feel that nudge of love from someone that you must grab hold before it's too late, before that fleeting moment is gone. You never get a second chance, and most people realize it too late. I wish I knew what it all meant. I wish I could put it to good use now, although I do get the feeling it wasn't meant to be comprehended now. I know that she means for me to keep the information for a later date, but I can't help wondering. I couldn't imagine such a thing being so all important. And I can't even see myself falling in love at all! So I wonder if I ever will need all she's told me. As Darien has told me, 'I'm not the feminine type', so love doesn't quite fit in with my self-image. And yet, I can still hear her voice echo in my mind, and the way her voice crackled with emotion still makes my will break and my heart mourn. She was so distraught and depressed, and I could see in her eyes how much she was hurting emotionally. Something happened, and it's hard to imagine what could be so horrible to make her suffer for so many years. She's been punished for something, and now she's gone, and I will never find out. But I see her eyes and hear her raspy tone in my minds eye and I shudder to think of what could cause one person, so strong and stable, to crack and fall so completely. It was as if I had been slapped once more. No, not just slapped, slugged. Right in the stomach, causing my body to double over in pain. Everything hit home in that moment. Everything. The conversation with Serene just moments ago, the strike across the face, even two years ago when the whole ordeal started. Somehow, so long ago, Grandmother Williams spoke to me. It was written and said just for me. I had let it all slip right through my fingers, like trying to squeeze a handful of water, it had all escaped. I realized too late, and my chance had passed. I really was a jackass, and I realized I always had been. It had been Serene all along. Even then, the night of the party, I knew. Something had abducted my brain, something awful had made me say those words that hurt both her and me so much. I didn't want to, and now it was too late. Everything was too late. Me, my mind, my heart, my soul. The train had passed and I was at the station all alone. I sunk back into the chair, closing the book in front of me. I could feel the epiphany slowly work its way through my body, cursing all that was inside me. I'd never know whether she still loved me. I'd never know how long she harbored those feelings for me. God, I could kick myself, but it wouldn't do any good. I had lost it all. And I knew then, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that it was all over. I had no hope of gaining all that I hoped for. God, in the blink of an eye, the only thing I had ever wanted had become an impossibilty for me, and the near future for another man. It was so close, she was so close. And yet, I knew it was unattainable. It was all gone. The years I could have spent wrapped in her, the love we could have shared, the way I could have made her feel. It was a bittersweet dream. And now I was waking up. ***** "Darien honey, are you all right?" My head snapped up, catching the concerned blue eyes of my mother. I couldn't smile in reply. I didn't mouth a word, and she in turn took a seat next to me. After reading the journal I had bolted from the house as soon as possible. I wandered around aimlessly for almost an hour, before finding myself at the door of mother's house. Not knowing what else to do, I had let myself in. "You look awful. What's the matter?" She finally asked after staring for a few moments. I didn't let my gaze wander. I kept my eyes on the picture 20 feet in front of me in an effort to keep the tears from surfacing. I couldn't them go. Not without letting the rest of me go as well. "You were right." Was all I could get out. I had hoped she would understand immediately and I wouldn't have to retell the whole tale. I couldn't survive it. Not without despising myself more and ripping the wound open again. "About what?" I tried to hold it all in. I clenched my jaw, my eyes hardening as the strain of keeping such a vigilant effort of staying calm. My face got tighter as it became harder and harder not just break, and I could almost swear my face would remain that way forever. But as I spoke slowly again, a crack snapped and a single tear swam its way to the surface. "I love her." The tiny little drop sprung from the duct, and fell silently over my cheek, but I remained still. I waited, my mind watching carefully the line the tear traced, slowly dripping, making it's way down to my jaw. I wouldn't move. I know that I would be able to keep up the facade and she would know. As if the tear were merely a hint, that she wouldn't guess by the solemn figure I portrayed, not able to let an emotion pass over me. I felt her gentle touch as a finger brushed it away and it seemed to do the impossible. The slight touch blew it all away and I broke down. The solitary stain was now washed away by a flood of tears bearing down my face, my frightened eyes now mercifully closed, my face now in my hands. My chest rocked with sobs, the power of the situation weighing down heavily on my whole body. My breathing was labored and I could only inhale harder at all the overwhelming emotions. Despite it all, I was only aware of one thought blazing furiously through my mind. At that moment, I literally wanted to die. ***** I hadn't seen her again for another week. Every time my nerve would once again invade my mind I could never find her. And then when she would miraculously appear, I would find my backbone had retreated again and I couldn't muster up enough strength to face her. And now, on this beautiful Sunday morning, I only had a few hours to find myself. The day I had prayed would never come had dawned despite my pleas. On this day, my best friend, the woman I live for and loved would be married. It was ten am, and I was dressed, pacing in my parlor, wondering what in Gods name I should do, but failing to find an answer. I knew what would happen if I should get up enough courage to find her, and I could only feel the cold dread creeping up on my neck at the thought. But the consequence of letting her leave without seeing her, explaining to her, felt only worse. In an hour, she would begin to dress. And after another hour, it would be too late. I closed my eyes and forced myself not to pace. I couldn't think. I couldn't manage one single thought. The tears threatened once more and I shook my head. What was I going to do? ***** "Are you all right?" My mother whispered quietly in my ear. I stared silently ahead of me in the carriage. I couldn't nod so I shook my head. I could hear her sigh sadly and she stroked my head calmly and steadily. I didn't want her pity right now. I had wasted my time. In a little under a half hour, Serene would walk out of my life, and my chance to redeem myself would be gone forever. I would assuredly never again be able to face her, and she would be living happily ever after in France. So far away from me. "Are you sure you want to do this? I hate to see you in such pain, honey." My mother asked, stopping and looking me square in the eye. The truth was I wasn't so sure I could handle this. But as much as I wanted to, I would never be able to vow my life to Serene, not in the way that mattered. I had to at least see her do it, even if I couldn't answer back. So I nodded, still mute, to my mothers inquiry and I caught a sympathetic smile from her. She leaned over and patted my arm. "You really are a wonderful person, Darien." She said. I couldn't reply. She gave me a motherly peck on the cheek before once more giving me a pat. "Then how come I feel so broken?" I mumbled to myself, glad she didn't catch it. The horses came to a stop and I looked up. "We're here." The driver's voice wafted into the closed space. The door swung open and a man attended to my mother and I absently pulled myself through the exit, the warm summer air hitting my sweltering body. The sweat poured from beneath my clothes and I could feel my palms get clammy. All the arriving guests were chatting happily, a few milling about outside the chapel to mingle. I prayed once more to help me through this. My mother however blazed a trail straight through the double doors and I could only follow helplessly after, not able to say a word in protest. If watching all the guests chat effortlessly outside was painful, it ripped my whole heart out as I entered the church. The place was packed with friends and well-wishers, and I could hear giggles of joy and happiness waft around, floating with a few French words into the air. I felt my brow crease in concern for myself as I found it even harder now to tolerate everyone else's jovial attitude. I felt like such an outsider, the only one on the premises that wasn't content. God, I would have given anything to be anywhere but where I was. Too not have to see this, witness the end of an era....The only era that mattered at all to me. Serene was no longer in my care, and in a little over an hour, she would fully belong to someone else. And to make matters worse, she hated me right now. I had wilted away the few precious chances I'd had to redeem myself in her eyes and now, it seemed to be gone for good. I stood in that spot, just beyond the entrance, my jaw clenched unknowingly to me. I felt my eyes burn painfully and I fought the urge to scream and run. Pretend that this wasn't taking place. If I didn't see it, it couldn't be real, it simply couldn't. "Darien!" I whirled around, fully prepared to blow off the person behind me. Luc's frustrated face met mine and I balled my fists. I was going to lose my grip on my sanity in a few moments, and now I had to face the person I hated most. The knife dove in deeper. "Darien, I really hate to ask such a thing, especially on such short notice, but we're a bit of a bind...." I took a deep breath. I was having a hard time holding it together. "And?" I said impatiently. If I had to stay here for a second longer, I was afraid the tears would fall again or I would push my fist straight into his jaw. I didn't particularly want to do either one, but I began to feel my fists itch, and I tried to tune him out. But I had to watch him, fidgeting anxiously with the lapels on his tuxedo and my heart almost stopped. I couldn't help but picture myself in his position. Nervous and scared. I desperately wanted to take his place, and I felt my anger melt away, only to be replaced by heart wrenching jealousy. And this was much worse. "Our piano player got ill just this morning, and Serene told me how wonderfully you used to play..." My eyes widened. It'd be years since I touched the keys. I wasn't about to after so long, and not when at this event when I was sure to mess up. I shook my head violently. "This is too sudden. There's no way I could do it now..." I muttered simply. It would be impossible to even find the keys during this event, let alone string them into a coherent sound. How was it Serene had even remembered I even played? I couldn't even remember telling her. I'd tried so hard to keep it a secret so long ago.... But before I could object anymore, Luc had rushed off in the opposite direction, shouting in French and waving frantically. Once more my envy overtook me and I watched as he greeted an exuberant older woman. I felt everything inside me collide within itself. I had to remind myself that this was the only reasonable thing to do. I loved Serene more than I could put into words, more than she'll ever know, but I would never forgive myself if I didn't witness it first hand. It sounded good, but inside my soul had begun to rot. It no longer belonged there, and everything around me seemed out of place. It wasn't familiar to me any longer. All of it was a constant reminder of what I had let slip away. So easily, nonetheless. And even worse, I had blown all the chances I'd probably ever have of reconciling with her. God, I really was an ass. But then, out of the corner of my eye I caught one last glimmer of hope glowing from the crack of an open door. I watched carefully as Mrs. Patrick emerged from the other side of a nearby door, wringing her hands nervously and laughing incessantly as she ran after another woman inside the chapel. The little sliver of a view snatched my gaze away as I my breath caught in my lungs. In the few seconds that the door had opened, I stared in amazement at the blonde goddess that was evident inside. The Bride's Room. The last flicker of hope hadn't yet died out. I had one last chance. I threw a hasty glance over my shoulder, making sure her mother and my mother were both otherwise occupied, so that I wouldn't be disturbed. Feeling sure of myself, I took long strides and reached the door in record time. I couldn't think, I wouldn't let myself. I knew that if I gave my mind half a chance, my courage would fail me and I would let yet another chance go through my fingers. So not bothering to even knock, I took a deep breath and turned the knob silently. She was sitting at the vanity now, her hair swept into piles on top of her head, a faux diamond tiara lay in front on the strands of gold elegantly. Her long veil now perched on the sofa behind her, she stared absently at her reflection, her head in her hands. I felt odd standing there unbeknownst to the other occupant in the room, but I couldn't say anything. I stared unabashed at the flimsy lace that covered her back and arms, flowing gracefully downwards and finally trailing to the floor beneath her. My eyes gazed slowly towards the slim figure and my heart pounded but I hardly noticed. My stomach churned painfully and the jealousy crept into my heart once more. She was so beautiful.... "Serene...." I mumbled. The room was so silent, and I was glad I only had to whisper to be heard. She whirled around in shock, her dress rustling all around her, cutting the quiet. She opened her mouth, her eyes narrowing in confusion and probably even anger, but I retrieved my mind quickly and made my way to her side before she could say a word. "You can't be in here..." She said, but I stopped her. "I couldn't...." I inhaled deeply. "I couldn't let you leave. Not hating me." I wanted her to assure me she didn't despise me, tell me I was completely wrong, immediately contradict me. But she remained still. "Darien, this isn't the time....." She muttered frustrated, but I watched her eyes cross over in pain and confusion. I let the sign calm my nerves for the moment. "I know Serene, but I've lost every other chance I've had, and....and I just had to talk to you." I took her roughly by the shoulders and pulled her away from the vanity and into the light of the window. Inhaling sharply I stared deeply into her eyes, making sure she could see everything I was feeling. I wanted her to be confident in everything I would tell her, I wanted her to know that I was sincere when I told her this. There couldn't be any room for doubt. I wanted her to watch my raw, open soul through my eyes, witness the emotions that had raged in me since she returned. I wouldn't let her miss a thing. "I am so sorry." I stated simply. She blinked, obviously waiting for more, but I paused for a moment. "I'm sorry for being the bastard that I am. For hurting you two years ago, and then just re-opening the wound two years later. I'm sorry I didn't realize how I truly felt until now, and that I waited until it was too late to finally get to fulfill my dreams with you." I felt the burning tears sting my eyes, but I pushed them back. "I regret disrupting your life after I had hurt it so long ago the first time." "Serene, I could never go through the rest of my life without you in it. I need you so much...." My voice cracked in pain. "Even if all you can freely give is friendship." "I will always regret that I let myself be blinded by fear, so much so that I couldn't see all that was there. All that I had hidden deep inside for so many years. I wish I could have seen it all when it started. I could have spent these past few years lost deep inside these feelings instead of hiding from them." I let my grip on her shoulders go but her vigilant gaze remained, the eyes softening greatly, her features flushing deeply. I let my eyes grow morose as my thoughts saddened. "You tried to tell me a long time ago how much you changed, but I didn't believe you." I gave a half smile, knowing it was still weighed down by my heavy eyes. "I know now I was right. You never changed. You always were the most beautiful creature God ever graced this earth with, and will always be the one thing that makes my heart beat. You made my life better just being in it." She opened her mouth but I stopped her. "I'm the one who changed. I finally woke up Serene. My eyes opened and I made myself vulnerable." I swallowed hard as I began my last thought. "But Serene, I've resolved it all within myself. I know how I blew it all, how I let it all slip through my hands. I'm sorry for a lot of things that I was so foolish enough to do. Letting you go is first on that list." I had to swallow hard as I felt the tears well up and blur my perfect view of her clear blue eyes, staring back so concerned. "But despite the pain I've inflicted on myself recently, the irrevocable harm I've done to my soul..." One tear fell slowly. Down my face, it traced a trail, but I didn't make a move to brush it away. The beams deep inside me were rusting and one small movement would cause it all to come crashing down once more. I couldn't let it happen. Not yet. "Even as you walk down that aisle today, towards another man and future different than my own..." I inhaled deeply. "I will never, _ever_ regret falling in love with you, for as long as I live." The silence thickened the air, suffocating my already sparse lungs. She stared at me for a long time, gazing at me with those huge, soulful eyes, practically taunting me, teasing me with what would never be mine. And then, slowly but softly, with tiny, shaking hands, she grabbed my colorless face, her expression never changing in the moment. Ever so gently she pressed her steady thumb to my cheek, rubbing away any elements of a tear with one quick motion. My soul shook violently, the storm within me raging out of control right then. I closed my eyes swiftly, still unable to let the incessant tears begin to fall. And then, with a calm, tender voice that didn't seem to match her faltering demeanor, she answered with intensity. "I understand Darien." I let my eyes open and found her smiling sadly up at me. "And I'm sorry too." She wrapped her thin arms around me impulsively and I let myself go and gripped her tightly in return, reveling in the feeling of her warm body against my own, her face buried deeply in my chest. With the greatest amount of restraint I could muster up, I pulled away and stared seriously at her as if I would never see her again, feeling as if it really were true. I knelt down slightly and kissed her sweetly on the forehead, my senses crying out at the taste of her skin finally on my lips. My voice shaking and my eyes drowning at the sight of her figure, I let lose one last, sudden thought. "I love you Serene." I will never know whether she didn't hear me, or just didn't answer, because before I got the nerve to ask, I dropped my hands to my sides and stepped away. The space between us signaling the distance that we would forever be obeying. She mouthed good-bye slowly and I felt my feet move beneath me. I reached the door, and didn't look back. ***** "Luc," The lanky blonde turned around at the mention of his own name, his eyes mirroring his shock. I took a deep breath. "Where's the piano?" His face crossed over in relief and he sighed heavily. Shaking his head happily, he motioned to the priest and then gestured for me to follow as he made his way down the long aisle. We entered through two more large double doors, into a gigantic, empty chapel. I ambled slowly through the ornate walk way, marveling with a sinking heart at the flowers that adorned the pews, the walls, just about everything. Silk curtains had been placed over each window, the light casting through the stained glass window making them glow with different colors. I awed at everything, and imagined how it would look filled with formal persons, the pulpit standing tall at the end of the red runway. People standing to greet the blushing bride.... "We won't be letting people be seated for another few minutes." Luc stated, jolting my mind for a second. I felt my face heat up, realizing suddenly who I was with. I gave a humiliated smile and nodded. "You can become familiar with the music, maybe practice." He motioned towards the keys and I could only keep my head bobbing in reply. At that point, I really wanted to hate this man. More than anything. But as I watched him fidget nervously, a twittering smile cross his face every few seconds, it became impossible. Along with my resolution came acceptance. I couldn't blame him. He doesn't even know where I stand or how I feel. He really was an outsider in the situation, and I just couldn't muster up the fiery emotions necessary for hating. It wasn't worth it. He was the man who had made Serene happy, after I had done the contrary for so long before. If I hated him, I'd have to indirectly hate Serene, and God knows that's the furthest thing from the truth. "I just want you to know how much this means to Serene and I. We hate to impose such a thing, but we were frantic when Jonathan couldn't make it." He gave me a scared smile, and I dove deep within me and muster up a fairly large grin in return. I shook my head. "I'd do anything for Serene." I said quietly, my heart weighing heavily suddenly inside me. Everything inside me seemed to sag as I spoke. "Anything." And in my mind, I only wished that she would let me.... Luc left then, and I again grew heated with envy. The door slammed and I inhaled slowly as I sat down at the cool bench, turning towards the almost completely foreign keys. The last time I had even _touched_ the instrument was....When she left. The day she left for Paris. I'd had a recital that day at noon. I swallowed, shaking my head at the irony. "I guess it's only fitting that I play her off as she leaves me for a second time...." I practically laughed it out. I stared down at the white and black. I exhaled and laid my hands lightly on the cool ivory. I had played The Wedding March many times before, and I was confident in my ability that I didn't feel the need to familiarize myself with it. Instead, I thought back to a song I had learned just before Serene left. Without thinking, I began the intro, and slowly, the words came back to me as well. "I've been trying not to love you, I've been putting up a fight. I've been barely holding on, letting go with all my might. There's a part of me that's empty, I know only love can fill. I'm afraid I'll never find it, And scared to death I will. Help me fall. Help me fall. If you care for me at all, Help me fall. Help me fall." For the second time that day, one small tear fell down my cheek. Again, I made no move to wipe at it. I sighed sharply. I sat at the bench for a few minutes, just staring absently at the keyboard in front of me. I wasn't sure what to feel at that moment. I wasn't sure why I was doing this either. It was hard to even think right now, let alone play the piano. Sighing, I picked up the sheet music in front of me and glanced a couple times over it. In my mind, my fingers moved nimbly over the keys, and I was once again confident that I could do this. At least, at any other opportunity. I would have to play as Serene walked down the aisle. As everyone else would stand respectfully, gasping and smiling at the sight. I blinked back more tears. I had already committed to this now though. I couldn't let down Serene, or even Luc. I had to pay her this last tribute. Send her off, so to speak. I had to try to make her happy, watch her smile as she walked out of my life..... Even if inside I was dying, I would make sure she was happy. ***** The doors opened slowly. The guests turned and stared in awe at the wedding procession that had begun down the aisle. I barely saw them all. I glanced nervously at Luc, hardly able to believe I had survived the piece for this long. I felt as if I had never stopped playing. Everything seemed so familiar and I breathed a sigh of relief for the tenth time. I hadn't messed anything up....So far. I could feel my breath get quicker as the bridesmaids took they're places, the family. I almost wished I hadn't been playing, I prayed to God I was just having a nightmare. Inside, my mind and heart waged a war and I could feel the climax about to begin. And yet, through it all, my hands still played the large grand piano masterfully. I paused for a moment as the double doors at the back of the sanctuary opened. In that instant, I did something I regretted. My head jolted downwards involuntarily, instructed by my heart not to watch. I hated myself for that. I wanted to see her in that first second. I wasn't even aware at that time that I had already resumed playing again. Nothing changed, and I was sure no one in the audience could tell of my shaken nature. I was glad for that. I finally looked up. She was staring at me. Oh God, she had looked at me in that same second, and I only wished I could have died. Saved myself from the feeling. All I was aware of were her painfully deep blue eyes on me, boring into my own. My insides were hollowed out then, nothing seeming to exist inside of me. It really was over. Right then, something ended, all because something else was beginning. I had stopped. She was standing next to him. Her hand was in his. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the scene. I desperately wanted to stare at the slick black instrument in front of me, my feet, my hands, anything else. But my gaze was locked on them. My eyes burned and my heart ached, but I was helpless. I felt like I was losing my mind. I didn't even notice as the service formally began. The pastor spoke in monotones, but I was oblivious. I didn't hear the words, nor did I want to. I wouldn't listen, even if it killed me. I'm sure that to the other observers I seemed like just another spectator, but inside I was the complete opposite of everyone else in the room. I could feel my heart shrivel up, and the bile rose bitterly in my throat. It was so hard to watch, but because I felt like I had to be a good friend, whether I was or not, I was there. I sat quietly in the corner, dark and crying, while everyone else rejoiced the union that was taking place in front of them. "...Till death parts you?" I blinked. I looked up suddenly, my ears catching the few drifting words. The pastor was looking expectantly at Luc. It had seemed like hours, but the service was almost to the end. My breath caught, and I wanted more than anything to clamp my hands over my ears and not listen. But I was frozen in horror, my jaw clenched tightly, my fists balled up beside me. "I do." I exhaled. My eyes darted the short distance to Serene, now smiling lovingly at her taller counterpart. Now was the time she would swear her life to him and all that came along with it. "And do you Serene, promise to love and to cherish Luc, in sickness and in health, till death parts you?" Her smile deepened and gazed at him. My heart stopped. I waited, the forever silence that hung choking me into submission. I watched quietly, everything ceasing around me. I only saw her at that moment, everything else slowing to a crawl. I heard my heart pound, deafening all else. My breath inched out of my mouth. It seemed like an eternity had passed, and I only wished I could wait another one to hear her answer..... "I do." I watched one last tear fall from my cheek and land silently an the ivory. My expression was set in stone, emotionlessly cast over everything else. No one paid attention to my pitiful figure then, the happy couple blinding all else in existence. My life had been slowly ending those past two years, all climaxing to this point. A few hours ago I prayed for this to happen, and I truly believe now it was honestly happening. As soon as she said those words, her life began. She was a new person, not only her name changing, but her whole life. She had been reborn just now...... And just now, a part of me died. ***************************************** OK, not totally a surprise ending, was it? ^_^ Well, for those of you who didn't like _this_ ending, I promise you'll like the epilogue. I can't give anything away right now, but just trust me, OK? As always, the LOOOONG AN will be at the end of that! Ja minna! ^_^ slr_europa@yahoo.com http://www.geocities.com/slr_europa AIM :: SeeShelliRun