So, we went to see this oncologist who specializes in the different Lymphomas. All I have to say is that I did not have fun at all. This doctor really scared me. Since I was there all I've thought about is what will happen if the chemo doesn't work, becuase that's all she really talked about. We went to see her as a second opinion to make sure I was on the right treatment. You know, to see if there's anything she would do different. She told us my treatment was what she would do. That's all I wanted. Then she went on to tell me about what happens next month. I already knew that after my third cycle of chemo I was going to get all my tests redone to see if the chemo was working. They'll check my bone marrow again, another PET scan for tumors, lot's of blood tests (I might not be to coherent that night...last time they took all that blood from me I told Tracy about my crush on her after I had decided to keep it to myself). ; Then they take all my results to see if I still have cancer. After my third cycle there shouldn't be any traces of the Lymphoma in my system anymore, and then they give me three more cycles for good measure afterwards. But, if there is any trace of cancer in my body seen in the tests then I'm in a world of hurt. That means that they have to switch me to a more agressive (and painful) chemotherapy. It would be so dangerous to my body that I would have to be hospitalized just to get the chemo, not my idea of a good time.
If that wasn't bad enough, the doctor told me what's gonna happen IF the chemo doesn't work. Basically if the chemo doesn't work the first time it will never work. The only chance for my cure and survival would be to get a bone marrow transplant. Now, this wouldn't be to hard if the cancer hadn't already made a home in my bone marrow, they could just use my own stem cells to make a new batch of the good stuff. But I'm not that lucky. There's already cancer in my marrow so I need to find a donor. The odds that my brother could be a donor are 1 in 4. If he's not compatible then it could take years to find someone. So the doctor wanted to put me on the list right now. See why I really didn't like this doctor, she didn't seem to confident that I would be cured from the chemo. She was such a downer, but I can remember telling my mom after we left "It could be worse", and she looked at me like I was nuts. She wanted to know how, all I could say was "This could be happening to one of my friends instead of me." That was all I could think of, and I know it didn't help her at all, but that's the way I feel about it.
I wish we had never seen that negative doctor woman. My main doctor on the other hand is the man. He's so positive, and that's what I need cuase I know I'm going to be cured. I have so much to look forward to that I'm going to cure myself no matter what it takes. Despite the cancer situation my life is looking great. Except for yesterday, yesterday was bad becuase of that appointment.
Then last night I knew that I had to be up early this morning for my weekly blood test. They have to draw blood once a week to make sure I'm still alive or something stupid like that. So I tried to go to sleep at 10:30, and I just laid there in bed until after 12 unable to sleep. Then I wake up at 3 in the morning (and this part is grose) with a mouth full of blood. I nearly threw up, and when i sat up blood started pouring out of my nose, like someone turned on the faucet. After a few minutes and lots of kleenex's the bleeding stopped, but it really disturbed me. I've never had a nosebleed before, not even when Lee smacked me with a 2 by 4 in the nose. It's stuff like that that makes this hard, having things happen to you that you don't even expect.
So after that eventful night I was woken up at 5:30 in the morning to head off to the hospital to get the blood test. We go early so there's not as many people for me to come into contact with becuase of my low blood counts, which is a good thing. So then we got home and I went back to sleep. Woke up again after one feeling great. Nothing else really happened throughout the day.
After dinner I got to talk to Tracy. That made me happy, we actually got to talk for longer than ten minutes without one of us falling asleep or having to be somewhere else. It's actually the longest we've talked since we got together. I miss her a lot, and all of my other friends at Pitt too. This really sucks that I'm here and she's there when we just started to find ourselves, but we'll have all the time in the world after this cancer stuff ends. I'm going to get better for all that I still have left to do and see. There's to much left in this world that I haven't done, that's how I know I'm going to be fine. That doctor can think of all the worst case scenarios she wants and it wont make any difference. (Lee and a few others can vouch for me when I say I own the book on worst case scenario's and cancer isn't in my book) I'm going to get all my tests done next month and the doctors will be amazed with my dramatic recovery. This is what I KNOW will happen becuase I believe it.