| First off a note, before I decided to put this journal online it was a private journal and had some very personal stuff in it about things other than my cancer. Some things I am going to leave omitted until I get permission from the people I was writing about, so just bear that in mind. March 6, 2002- I thought I had finally figured things out. My major was decided, and I was begining to make some type of plan for after college. Things almost made sense again, and that's when everything crashes down. Near the end of January I found myself in teh hospital from what I thought was a muscular injury. 2 weeks later they told me it was cancer. Non-Hodgkins Diffuse B-Cell Lymphoma, the agressive type. I like to call it "the bastard" for short. Well, the bastard made a nice home in my spleen so the doctors took that out. As if that wasn't bad enough, we were told that I have one of the most aggressive types of NHL (Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma). After a couple of weks of healing from suergery I was back on my feet and ready to do whatever I needed to do in order to kill the bastard. On the first of March I began my chemotherapy. I never knew much about chemo before the bastard came into my life. Basically they said they're going to put a crapload of poison directly into my viens and hope it kills the bad stuff. Only problem is, it kills the good stuff too. But, if you know me then you know that I was anything but intimidated. "Bring it on!" It's only been 5 days since my chemo and I feel fine. Kind of disappointed. Where's the challenge? They tell me not to worry, it'll get a lot worse than this. Strange that I'm looking forward to it. March 7, 2002- Now the bastard's started to infect my dreams. Last night I had a terrible stomach ache before I went to sleep. I blamed it on the KFC that I dug up out of the fridge around 11 o'clock. All night I was troubled by this pain, and I dreamt about it too. Sleep was one of my last escapes from what was going on, and now even that has been invaded by my cancer. Before I slept, I got a call from Christine. It was good to talk to someone who made me hapy again. She sounded just like I remember her. We joked around for a little while about my tests and stuff. She got a kick out of my colon exam story. Then we started talking about last year, it was almost like we talked about everything but my cancer. But I needed a break from cancer talk anyway. I still can't believe how close we got after I moved up here for college. If only I'd been more open to her down in Virginia mabye my life would be completely different. I may have never left VA and then maybe I woudn't have gotten this damn cancer. But no one can change the past, and right now I need to look to the future. I definetly need to figure out what I'm going to do about next semester. I need to call my counselor about classes and stuff. See, I've got enough to worry about in the present to be concerned with the past. No matter how good the memories are, or how many regrets I have my life is moving forward. March 9, 2002- A lot of nothing happened today. Just like the last few weeks of my life. I'm not allowed to go out, and even if I could there's no where to go. I still wish my family had never moved here to Pennsylvania when I graduated high school. I mean, it's a good thing in some ways, but very few and far between. All my good friends are still in Virginia. And any of the friends I've met at Pitt live more than 2 hours from here. Right now I'm just getting a good look at what my summer would have been like under normal circumstances. I have to find a way to get away from this place once I'm able to, I can't stand not being around the people I've come to know as my friends. Seeing them once a week every year jsut isn't going to cut it. Something else has also been bothering me. I need to get a girlfriend. I'm sick and tired of being a freaidy cat and never doing anything when I have feelings for someone. And I have someone in mind at the moment. Only problem is we're going to be living together in the fall...if I hadn't left college this situation would be so different. It sucks what's happening to me. The plans I was making for this semseter just got flushed down the camode, and so did my dreams. March 10, 2002- Sean (my little brother) surprised me today by being really good company for a change. Then he really shocked me by getting me a gift, and with his own money on top of that! He's starting to slowly become a better little brother, now that he realizes how cool I am of course. Tracy got back today from spring break, but by the time I got online she'd already been idle for over an hour. She didn't come back while I was online, and I couldn't see a reason for me to wait for her. Even though I wanted to talk to her. I was such a bum today, I didn't even get a shower or anything. I just sat around and watched TV all day. Tomorrow I'm gonna call work and let them know I cna work for the next weeek or so. Hopefully all my chemo cycles will go as well as this one and I won't get knocked on my ass. After all, I'm young and health, well except for the cancer. My body should be able to handle the chemo well. I watched Moulin Rouge tonight before coming up to my room. I don't care how many times I see that movie, I still cry at the end. Pretty pathetic!!! I dont' know if I cry over the movie or the memories of Ashley that I think up, but whichever it is I still cry. maybe I shouldn't watch it to often. March 12, 2002- Well, 2 big things....maybe 3...happened today, and so did a few little things. 1st Big Thing: Went to the doctor today and he was very happy. We told him about my epidoral and he said that had to be why the PET scan flared up on my spine. That means that I don't have tumors starting to grow in my back like they thought. Also, my blood counts are going up instead of down so I'm doing extremely well with the chemo. Because of the epidoral Dr. Agha said that my cancer wasn't as agressive as he initially believed. GOOD NEW!!!! 2nd Big Thing: Talked to a new friend. her name is Lindsey. She's also 18 years old and she has Hodgkins Lymphoma. It was good talking to her and I'm glad that I've made a new friend that I can really talk to about cancer and stuff. 3rd Big Thing: OK, this is the big one. I even surprised myself with this one. Well, you know how I was saying I need to be a little more agressive and just act on my feelings instead of carrying all my regrets when it comes to girls? Well, I told my friend how I really feel about her (I haven't asked her if she'd mind me using her name on this site so she will remain known as my friend until later determined). Well, maybe I didn't tell her exactly how I feel, but she knows that I have a "crush" on her. What she doesn't know is that it's more than a crush to me, but I'll keep that to myself...no reason to scare her away. Anyway, now for the good part, she's not upset or anything. The only thing that concerns me is that we'll be living together next semester. I have to admit that I don't want things to get wierd if it doesn't work out, she's really my only friend I have here in PA. Ok, now for the little stuff. Jake's (my little cousin) being released fromt he hospital tomorrow. The dumbass doctors think he had a stone in his galbladder and he passed it. The idiots. I'll have to talk some sense into Joey and Amy about taking him to Children's Hospital. While I was at the doctors today this one intern girl told me that they wanted me to be part of this stress study becuase of my postitive attitude and all. I agreed...anything in the name of science :) |