| March 26, 2002- I did a lot of reading today. Trying to find out as much as I can about Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and all that mess. I was happy to see that I already knew a lot of the stuff that I saw on the sites. I was surprised by some of the stuff I saw that I didn't know. Maybe even a little scared, but not to much. I posted the two sites that I found most informative on the homepage if anyone is interested. I'm trying to think of anything else that happened today, but i can't. Probably becuase nothing happened at all. It's been raining a lot so even if I felt up to going out I probably wouldn't. Really sucks when the weather reflects how you feel. Crappy. I recieved some very sad news today from my cousin Jill. She was pregnant, at the end of her third month. Yesterday she lost the baby. Honestly, it starting to feel like my family is plagued by medical problems. We were all so happy that she was pregnant again, her son needs a little brother or sister. It really brought me down when I heard the news. It made me mad too. Over the course of the past two months I've been feeling a lot of anger. Angry about what happened to me. Angry that my life has been so messed up. Angry at God even for letting this happen. I can't help but sit here and wonder what I did to deserve this, what I did to cuase this. And I know that they say there isn't anything physically that I could have done, that NHL just kind of happens to people. But that doesn't help to much. And now all this other stuff is going on with my family. First I get told that I, a healthy 18 year old guy, have a disease that could very well take my life. Then my cousin Jake has been in and out of the hospital twice in the last month. They found out he has some kind of bowel disease, the poor kid. He's only 8 years old, he doesn't deserve that. And now Jill loses her unborn child. It's almost like whenever a spark of happiness comes into my life something ten times worse happens to take that happiness away. And there you have it, the story of my life. I'm really starting to get pissed off over this chemotherapy too. I know that eventually it will make me better. Well, hopefully it will...I'm sure it will. But for right now I'm really getting tired of it. Whenever something touches my mouth everything burns like I'm drinking acid. I can't even stand to eat my favorite foods. And I've started to notice some other problems settling in. Some rather unpleasant ones that I'm sure no one wants to hear about. I feel pretty wimpy complaining after only having 2 treatments. I look at my friend Lindsey who just finished 4 months of chemo and she doesn't complain a bit. I need to be more like that. Thank God I have something to look forward to when this is all over. If I didn't have my hopes and dreams for what next semester is going to be I don't know how I could pull through this. For a while I was afraid that I had nothing to fight for anyhow, but now things are different and I'm determined to get back on my feet. I'm going to beat this, I know it. |