| June 14, 2002- Ok, my last entry may have been a little irrational. My state of mind wasn't really the best for writing down my feelings. But for some reason I decided not to delete it because I think that wouldn't really be fair...I made the decision to share it and I have to live with that. Since Wednesday I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I've reached several conclusions. 1) If she's doesn't want a relationship, what good does it do me to wish she hadn't dumped me? We'd both just end up unhappy in the end if this is the way she feels about it. Better to end it now. 2) Maybe this is for the best. We were both very different and we had different plans for our future. 3) There's other fish in the sea. I know it sounds cliche, but I am a student at a university that, last time I looked, had plenty of women in it. 4) All I wanted was to make her happy. If she's not happy then somewhere I failed and that means that it just wasn't meant to be. 5) Things can only get better from here. The only thing that could be worse would be me dieing, and if I'm dead then certainly it wouldn't matter to me so I have to look on the bright side. Truly nothing worse than this can help. Having reached these conclusions I'm ready to get on with my life. I didn't let cancer keep me down so I'm not gonna let this do it either. I'm just stubborn like that. My only hope is that I find someone else early in the fall semester so that I can get over Tracy and then things won't be wierd with us living in the same apartment. She says she wants things back the way they were when we were just friends. I would like that too, but I'm not sure if things can ever be quite the same. At least she's offering me her friendship though. So I'll try to make it work. Today I had to get some tests done to my liver. Aparently it's not working anymore. Yeah, I found that out thursday. See what I mean about things not getting any worse from here on out? Anyway, I have no idea when I'll get the test results back, but hopefully it's nothing too damaging like permanent liver failure. When they told me thursday about my liver the first thing I thought was "Oh, crap....and I just got done drinking alcohol last night." I was honest and told them what I had done. They told me not to worry about that, the type of liver problem I'm having has to deal with how my body processes the pills I'm taking, and alcohol consumption wouldn't have anything to do with it unless it was chronic. So at least I didn't inadvertantly screw myself up worse than I already was. Plus the blood test had been done on tuesday that gave them the bad news about my liver, and I got drunk on wednesday. Anyway, I'll get back to you all with the liver results as soon as I get them. Pray that it's just the chemo getting to me and nothing more than that. Pray that it's reversable. |