| April 16, 2002- Nothing new on the cancer front today. I've been feeling a little worse than I was right after the chemo, well actually a lot worse. I was happy that I was doing so well earlier (check out my last entry), but yesterday things took a turn for the worst. I really started to feel miserable for no reason that I could think of, but I guess that's the way things go when you have doctors putting poison into your body every three weeks. Anyway, I'll start feeling better in less than a week if things go like they have been. It really sucks though. It's funny becuase when with my first two treatments I was really not impressed at all. I was kind of looking forward to getting my butt kicked by this treatment that would make me all better. Strange but I was looking forward to the challenge of it all, being proud to say I went through this endeavor and that I was strong throughout the whole process. I wanted to endoure this harshness and become a better and stronger man because of it. And then my first two treatments flew by and I never felt bad from them, well except for a few things but they weren't that bad. Now this treatment is taking it's toll on my body and I'm wondering if I really am strong enough to do this three more times and keep my possitive attitude that I've been carrying with me thus far. Sure, I was looking forward to getting knocked down so I could become stronger, but this really sucks. I've just felt very very crappy the last two days, but at least the weather is nice outside now so I can do a few things to enjoy myself. I did some exploring of the woods which was a nice retreat. Today I cut the grass, even though I felt like crap doing it. I can't let myself get into a rut that I can't get out of. I cut the grass becuase I told myself I can't just sit around being miserable, I need to at least have some reason to be miserable. Mowing the lawn is usually a good reason to feel miserable. The sad thing is I didn't even get a chance to finish. I was almost done and getting ready throw in the towel and colapse when the damn mower ran out of gas. I was so happy I had a reason to stop. All of you guys no I'm not quiter so I probably would have kept cutting but since you can't put gas in a hot mower for a few hours (see gas tends to ignite, dont' ask me how i know....i just do). So, after that I pretty much went ot my room and passed out, if the gas hadn't run out I wouldn't have stopped and now I'm thinking it was a good thing. I've been doing a lot of thinking. Mostly all I can think about is how unbelievable this all is. I've had a lot of people compliment me on the way I've been handling this. That I'm such a strong individual and what not. Well, I'm a good actor. This is the truth. I'm scared, angry, and sad. All this possitive stuff is mainly for my family and friends. I can't believe that this is going on. What did I do to deserve this? I'm a good person I think. I always try to be nice, I went to church as a kid...sadly not so much anymore...but I still maintain my beliefs. I always did the right thing, and if not then I always tried to make things right. What kind of messed up thing did I do to have God slap me in the face like this. That's kind of what I feel like at least. So now what, do I turn the other cheek? I guess my big thing today is that I'm not feeling well and I'm pissed off at a lot of things. Not pissed off at anyone, but just pissed off in general and I need to get it out. So this is my way of getting it out I suppose. Actually I am pissed off at someone. I said I wasn't mad at anyone in particular but I am. I'm mad at myself. Now I know that sounds stupid and all but that's the way it is. I can't explain why. I'm mad I can't do what I want, not that that's my fault. I'm mad at myself becuase the last few days I've been seeing myself as becoming weak. Hell, going up and down the steps is a chore sometimes, and today it took everything I had to cut the grass. Something that I used to make a sport of, try to get it done as quickly as possible. On an average day I would get the lawn done in a little over an hour. Today I didn't even finish and I was outside for almost two hours. Pitiful in my eyes. Other than seeing myself as weak I've also started to feel disgusted with myself. All I do is sit around and do hardly anything. My friends are hard at work with school and I'm slacking off. Sometimes when I talk to Tracy I really feel like crap becuase she tells me all the stuff she has to do and here I am doing nothing. She really impresses me more than a lot of people I've met with all that she does. She's amazing. The last few days I've started to notice some changes in my body too. It's not a good feeling when you get out of the shower and look at yourself in the mirror and feel disgusted. I'm gaining weight and it sucks. I'm losing what little muscle I had and that also sucks. I can't go out and jog to try and lose wieght because I can hardly walk down the street without needing a break. And on top of not being able to exercise one of the drugs I'm on makes me always hungry. I mean, always hungry...I could be stuffing my face and sit there thinking about what I'm going to eat next. If I try to not eat it's even worse becuase I'll get stomach pains and feel like i have to throw up. I'm stuck in a very unhappy place right now. Hopefully I'll be able to pull myself out of it. All I have to say is that no matter how bad I feel I know it could be worse, and I'm going to make it through this fine. In the end everything will work out. Now all I have to do is come up with a game plan for getting back into shape. Hmm...what's that number for Jenny Craig.... |