| April 12, 2002- Well today was my third chemo. I was really worried that things were going to be worse than the were with my first two. It's still kinda early to tell, but I feel a lot better this time than I did with my second one. I'm not as sick to my stomach and I feel pretty good. Going into the chemo thinking I wasn't going to do well probably wasn't a smart idea, but the whole time I was there I tried to tell myself that everything would go just as well as last time if not better and it seems to have worked. Although I think there are maybe some other reasons why I'm feeling so good. When I got home I just plopped down on my bed and passed out. Not in a bad way, but I didn't get much sleep last night and they give me benadryl with my chemo which makes me very very tired. Last night wasn't to fun...I kept waking up from nightmares. Very disturbing nightmares about being at my chemo recieving my drugs and then throwing up all over myself. It was worse than that movie "The Exorcist". I won't go into any further detail than that, but you probably get the picture. All day yesterday I was having stomach pains just thinking about being sick to my stomach from the chemo. Really stupid of me to worry about it so much. Maybe my possitive attitude is starting to drift away slowly. I'll tell you what, in three more weeks I should have all my results back from the tests that I have to have done. Then you will read either a very happy entry or a very sad and frightened entry. If it's the latter I don't know how I'm going to be able to maintain any type of possitive attitude at all, but like I said before...I'm not going to let that happen, I'm going to make myself get better whatever it takes. There's no way I can lose a battle with myself so as long as I maintain control over my body gone awry then I should be fine. Although I know that all of this is really in God's hands. I can't see my death making any sense this early in my life. I haven't even been able to do anything signifigant in the world. For some reason I know I was put here to do something, whether that something be for the benifit of mankind or just getting a part in a movie or play that influences people. I know I have a purpose, I've never saved anyone's life and I don't think any of my roles in high school could have influenced anyone so I know that purpose hasn't been fullfilled yet. That's why I know I'm going to be fine...this is just a test. A really fucked up test, but still a test. (and for those of you that know me you know I don't swear hardly at all so you know that all of this cancer is starting to finally upset me). Well, the nap earlier today did me a lot of good I think. I didn't have any nightmares..or would they be daymares if I was napping in the afternoon? And when I woke up I was pleasantly surprised with a phone call from Tracy which was a great thing becuase I was beginning to feel bad that we hardly ever get to talk anymore. We talked for like an hour I think, and it was great. It made me very very happy and feeling good mentally I think helped me to neglect the stomach problems I was having, and ever since then I've been having a really good night. But alas, all good things must come to an end and I feel that time is quickly approaching, time to go to sleep hardcore. Hopefully tonight I won't be having anything except pleasant dreams. |