| Billy | Royalties! | Vacation! | Studebaker Hoch | Photos | Eddie, are you kidding? |
| Updated: 2 May 1995 Before That: News Broke: |
It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the SECRET BRIEFCASE belonging to THE ONE MORTAL MAN who might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction and save 'AMERICA HERSELF'! (And I'm sorry to disappoint some of you, it was not Chief Reddin) This one MAN was STUDEBAKER HOCH, fantastic new SUPER HERO of the CURRENT ECONOMIC SLUMP. (Oh) Now, some folks say he looked like (he was like, he was like) ZUBIN MEHTA (Zubin Mehta); still others say (others say he), bullshit, honey (bullshit, man) he's just another greasy guy who happened to be born next to the Frozen Beef Pies at BONEY'S MARKET. (Others say he was just a, just a) Still others say, John, piss on you, Jack! (crazy Italian) He's just a crazy Italian who drove a RED CAR. You see (nobody knows for sure 'cause he was so), nobody ever really knew for sure, because STUDEBAKER was so-o-o-o-o-o mysterious (mysterious) . . .
HE WAS SO
HE WAS SO
'Cuz when a person gets to be Whether he's really a NICE PERSON or if he has a son named 'PINOCCHIO' or what?
Some men say he could FLY
Time passes . . .
So when the phone rang "So . . . ah . . . yeah, yeah, hello already . . . what? . . . Well, yeah? . . . Ah, are you kidding . . . ? You're not kidding . . . a mountain . . . ? With a tree growing off of its shoulder . . . ? Aw, you're fulla shit, man . . . ah, listen, by the way, before I go on; did you get those white albums I sent ya with the pencil on the front . . . ? Yeah . . . ? Yeah, you should move some of those for me, we're having a lot of . . . listen, so kiss little Jakee on the head . . . and, ah, how's your wife's hemorrhoids? Oh, that's too bad . . . Listen . . . so you've got a mountain, with a tree, listen, causing . . . oh, my! Well, let me write this down . . . sorta take a few notes here . . . yeah . . . ? To El Segundo, huh? Causing UNTOLD DESTRUCTION? (my baby, my baby) Wanted for DRAFT EVASION? An expense account? And per diem, too?" SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE! They said he could DANCE, and, of course, THEY were right! Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it: THE STUDEBAKER HOCH DANCING LESSON & COSMIC PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE featuring Aynsley Dunbar, hit it!
Hey! Twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly, twirly!
RIGHT HAND FROM THE HEART-UH Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore, Fillmore . . . NOBODY can DANCE like STUDEBAKER HOCH! So many rumors have spread about STUDEBAKER HOCH! (A rumor . . . a rumor . . . ) Consider this rumor (a rumor . . . ), which was published (a rumor . . . ) about three weeks ago in ROLLING STONE! Oh, it's gotta be true! STUDEBAKER HOCH can write THE LORD'S Prayer on the head of a pin! "NO!"
Do-do-do-do-do, (I'm so HIP!) BEEF PIES!
He was born next to the BEEF PIES,
FROZE-ing by the PIES! (And that was the main influence on HIM!) The influence of a Frozen Beef Pie! Boldly springing into action, he phoned his wife (who ran a modeling school), WHEREUPON HE . . . yes, HE ran around the back of 'THE BROADWAY' at Hollywood Boulevard and Vine to see if he could find himself some big large, un-used cardboard boxes (no shit!) After which, he hit up the RALPH'S on Sunset for some 'AUNT JEMIMA SYRUP', some 'KAISER BROILER FOIL', and a pair of blunt scissors! Hey-hey! Yes! Yes, and in the parking lot of RALPH'S, where "no prizes are lower prizes than RALPH'S," in the parking lot of RALPH'S (in between a pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking), he cut out some really, really, really NICE WINGS, and he covered them thoroughly with foil! Thorough-LY wi-TH (e-e-e-e-e) FOIL-L-L! Then he took those 'WINGS' and wedged one under each of his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth . . . YES!! Yes! And then he SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR! And he pulled down his blue denim policeman type trouser pants, and he spread even amounts of AUNT JEMIMA maple syrup all over the inside of his legs! Soon the booth was filling with flies! (Help me, help me, help me!) He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so they could all get in (Yes! Yeah!), and when each and every one of those little cocksuckin' flies had gone into his pants, and they were lapping up all that maple syrup, he bent over and he put his head between his legs and he said in a very clear, impressive, RON HUBBARD-type voice . . . "NEW YORK!" . . . and the booth and everything lifted up, out of the parking lot, and into the sky!
STUDEBAKER HOCH
STUDEBAKER HOCH
He's coating his legs
His shorts'll be filled with flies
Stoodlabaker Hoch:
(Please to New York!
He could be a DOG (Fly to New York!)
He could be a NARK
Or he might play dirty!
His peculiar attire And speaking of mountains, we'll join STUDEBAKER HOCH on the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth. Take it away: "Ah . . . ya, ya, ya, hey-ah BILLY, ah, listen . . . I've come to REASON with you! Our GREAT COUNTRY needs you in the Armed Forces! Your NUMBER came up . . . you can't go on running like this forever." Oh! But ETHEL just shook her twigs angrily, but STUDEBAKER HOCH, calm, cool, collected, and UN-ferturbed, continued . . . "Ya, well listen, you (cough cough) . . . listen, you COMMUNIST SON-OF-A-BITCH! You better get your ass down there for your fuckin' physical, or I'll see to it that you get used for FILL DIRT in some impending New Jersey MARSH RECLAMATION . . . and your girl-friend there will wind up disguised as a series of brooms, primitive ironing boards (or a DOG HOUSE) . . . get the (cough, cough), GET THE PICTURE?" Yeah, well, BILLY just laughed: "HO, HO, HO! If they think they're gonna draft ME, they're CRAZY!" Unfortunately, because STUDEBAKER HOCH was standing on the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth when the giant mountain laughed, STUDEBAKER HOCH lost his footing and fell, screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble below! "Aaahhhhh . . . oh fuck, I'm gonna need a TRUSS . . . " Oh, listen, that only goes to show you, and it'll show you once again that . . .
A Mountain is something
Don't fuck with BILLY (No!)
DON'T FUCK AROUND! With
Biddilly, Biddilly
BIDDILLY (Eddie, are you kidding?) Eddie, are you kidding? |
Billy | Royalties! | Vacation! | Studebaker Hoch | Photos | Eddie, are you kidding?