ur@The SCMN Chronicle

Slorge Gridlock Phenomena Astounds Critics
Written by Goodsk Louisavan 9/9/00

Assumed born, and left for dead on a go-cart track in southeastern Missouri, Slorge Gridlock has made a mark for himself on the Internet. This backward, sometimes vile, swamp dweller was raised by geese in the wild and discovered in his early teens by a family in Georgia, where he was nesting for the winter.

Scientist place the age of Mr. Gridlock somewhere between the age of 35 and 45. During his formative years in human society, Slorge, became an avid student of classical ballet and the historic art of phrenology. And, in a freak occurrence of events, wound up graduating high school twice, completing two full curriculums, though the explanation for this has never been brought to light. Though he claims to have read Hamlet one hundred and twelve times, he cannot quote a single line, however, he says he has seen the movie Pee Wee’s Big Adventure only once, on commercial television and can recite nearly the whole movie. The years 1987-1991 are a complete blank to Slorge, but when asked, he points to a specific bump on the back of his head and grins curiously.

When asked why he turned to music, and particularly, internet music, Slorge simply states, "Ah had tuh do sumthin’, whut with constantly cawlin’ thuh Crop Circle Hotline and my need for nice things. Ah shur wood lahk yoo tuh buy my ree-cordin’s. I’d be hummin’ buckets." followed by, "What are you lookin’ at? Don’t ya eyeball me, ya panty-waist!" We’re still trying to decipher "hummin’ buckets".

Due to his wildly unbelievable stories of UFO’s, dimensional shifts and bigfoot, many scientist disregard anything Slorge has to say on his own behalf, though Slorge seems only vaguely aware of his origin, if at all.  The editor in chief of this paper was quoted in a recent article saying, "We here at the SCMN Chronicle are going to give this man room for his own voice by allowing space in our publication each month for whatever he would care to write."~**

We have recorded an interview, approximately 16 hours of audiotape, and will have more details on the biography of Slorge Gridlock when we can figure out what he’s saying.

~**As to the slanderous nature of the bulk of Slorge Gridlock’s remarks; though we have been threatened with litigation, feel the world needs to hear this man’s point of view but still must state that it is HIS POINT OF VIEW. NOT OURS. If what Mr. Gridlock’s column offends anyone, in any way, then please write Mr. Gridlock personally. No, we don’t have his address.