The Parable of Jimmy and the Golden Spark Plug
And so, as foretold by the prophet Norbert, in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and One it came to pass that little Jimmy did on his way home from school lose his way and stumble into a holy clearing. And in this holy clearing, the son of Robert did find a golden spark plug. Seeing this, Jimmy took the spark plug and immediately the heavens opened and did reveal to Jimmy the future and all the secrets of the Earth. Filled to the brim with holy necessity, Jimmy returned to his place of rest.
Now as the time of dinner fast approached, Robert, father of Jimmy, returned
from toiling in the business district. And when he arrived on the street he
saw a throng of second graders encircling his son, who stood atop a cardboard
box holding the spark plug aloft. "Wherefore, son," Robert asked,
"what means this collection of rabble?"
"It is the golden spark plug, father," Jimmy explained. "It
is a sign from the heavens!" And yet his father was a disbeliever and parted
from the crowd, threatening to send Jimmy to the ground if he caused a disturbance.
But then Jimmy lifted the spark plug anew and spake to his followers. "Followers!"
he spake, "some have doubted the power of the Golden Spark Plug! Behold,
then, as the Spark Plug causes the sun to set in the western sky!" And
within two hours the sun had indeed set, and the crowd did bow down, showering
praises upon the glory of the Spark Plug.
"I doubted the Spark Plug and have been stricken with blindness!"
cried one boy, facing in the opposite direction. "I doubted the Spark Plug
and I have become barren!" cried a girl. "J'ai douté la bougie
en or et maintenant je parle dans les langues!" cried another. But the
throng did swear an oath of fealty, and resolved to do the Spark Plug's bidding.
The Spark Plug was placed upon an altar made of sticks, and they sacrificed
bugs to the almighty and sang hymns in Its glory.
Now the hymns were sung with such fervor and adoration that the dogs began
to bark and howl, and Robert did return to the proceedings quite angrily. "Look,
father!" cried Jimmy with great faith in his eyes. "The Golden Spark
Plug has allowed us to sleep this night!"
Yet still the father was an unbeliever and did gank the Golden Spark Plug from
its altar. He decreed: "Cursed are those that would follow such an object.
You will never see this spark plug again if such fallacies continue." And
he departed once again, in possession of the Golden Spark Plug.
And a great shadow fell upon the land, and the people mourned their great loss.
Some were struck with depression and guilt, some with a deep fever. The smelly
children were stricken with leprosy. And Jimmy did see the chaos caused in the
wake of his father's actions and came to realize that the people were being
tested. Thus did Jimmy wander into the wilderness for forty-seven days and forty-seven
nights, eating only berries and snot, praying for another sign from the heavens.
Jimmy fell asleep and dreamed, and in this dream the spirit of Jacques Derrida
did visit him but did little more than laugh for five and thirty minutes, until
the spirit of Immanuel Kant did approach and hit Derrida upon the head with
an invisible hockey stick. And Kant did then invest Jimmy with the spirit of
Determinism, prophesying that the glory of the Golden Spark Plug would soon
once again shine upon the land. Jimmy then woke up from his dream to find that
the night before he had feasted not upon berries but peyote.
Thus the forty-seven days and forty-seven nights did come to an end as Jimmy
returned to his dwelling of old. But the land had suffered vastly. Houses and
roads lay in disrepair, cholera had spread far and wide, and lawyers still dominated
the job market. Now another child named Jethro had had taken control of the
masses, with a heathen silver spark plug. Yet Jimmy saw all this and did not
fear, as the spirit of the Golden Spark Plug dwelt within him. He approached
the tired, disillusioned crowd and spaked: "Rejoice, for I have brought
good news!"
But Jethro strode down from his throne with a fierce look in his eye. "The
people here have no need of you, heretic," said Jethro. "They have
found salvation in the Sterling Silver Spark Plug."
But Jimmy approached the silver spark plug and scraped away its silver coating
to reveal a dark green finish beneath. "See what heresy has been spokeded
here today!" Jimmy decreed, displaying the forgery for all to see. "A
true God is free of any and all external influences! Similarly, an object's
existence is guaranteed only by the mind's perception of it!" And the people
rose up, and Jethro was cast out into the wastelands of New Jersey.
And so the people came to find that the Golden Spark Plug still was alive in
each of their hearts and souls, and they rejoiced. And so they rebuilt the ruined
infrastructure and healed the sick, drove out the lawyers and made their holy
book The Metaphysics of Morals. Thus did they all live happily ever after, with
the holy light of determinism shining down upon them.