Phi Delta implicated in 30 additional crimes; banishment time increased "by like a million," says Dean Quinley
Records unearthed last week by ASPC have been found to implicate the fraternity
Phi Delta in over 30 crimes with which it had previously been unconnected, leaving
the troubled frat's future in even further jeopardy.
"Oh Christ, that's it," Dean Quinley said following the discovery.
"You little shits are dead. I mean, telling kids to fuck a sheep was bad
enough, and your misogynist lifestyle wasn't that impressive either. But this
new shit just blows all that out of the fucking water. You are going to feel
my wrath like a swift dick in the ass, Phi Delta."
The recently discovered documents indict the fraternity in activities beyond
previous accusations of Coercing Minors Into Fucking Male Sheep, and include
such nationally recognized crimes as Money Laundering, Sweatshop Profiteering,
Bitch-Slapping Handicapped Children, and Coercing the Elderly Into Fucking Male
Buffalo. The documents, however, do not detail participants - activities were
noted only by date. Because the evidence points to no single person, the federal
government is unsure of who to charge with all 30 counts, if anyone. So far
no plans have been made to involve the current Phi Delta members (all two of
them), although the overall mood is pensive.
"Look, I'm just as shocked as everyone else," said Daniel Tan '02,
Phi Delta President. "Most of this was from back in the seventies, so it's
pretty obvious we had nothing to do with any of that. I mean, yeah, OK, we sort
of had the incident with the sheep [a few years back], but I can't believe some
of this shit. I mean, that one thing with the gerbils and the Vagasil…
Steve never, ever mentioned anything like that."
Regardless of the current members' responsibility, this new evidence will,
according to Quinley, "make it like a million times harder for any possible
Phi Delta reinstatement."
"We've drawn up a preliminary charter of what Phi Delta would have to
accomplish to return to Pomona campus," said North Campus Representative
Sam Brenner '02. "Basically they will have to complete 10,530 hours of
community service, raise enough money to feed the population of Nigeria for
two years, swear off of meat forever, save the rain forest and find a cure for
cancer. But we're not expecting them to be able to pull all of this off for
at least another few months."
"I'm particularly proud of one requirement, though it took a little wheel-greasing
to pass it through senate, if you know what I mean," Quinley added. "Basically,
for the first year of reinstatement each fraternity member will be required
to wear a nametag saying 'I helped cause the Vietnam War', along with a cute
picture of a boy entering a panda bear from behind. This should raise awareness
of exactly what these people are capable of doing."
Although student reaction has ranged from "holy shit balls!" to "how
many immigrants?!?", both current Phi Delta members remain confident that
they can repair their frat's sullied reputation.
"I really just want to show everyone that, although Phi Delta has made
some mistakes in the past, we've moved beyond that now," Tan said. "I
think I speak for all of Phi Delta when I say that Dean Quinley's dogs will
never have to sleep in fear again. And we're going to do our best to prove it,
even if it means having to slog through all of these provisions. But this one
part about having to go around kissing the bare ass of every Pitzer student
individually… I don't know about that."
This is not the first time that a Pomona fraternity has been indicted in serious
crimes: Delta Epsilon Phi were found guilty of selling cocaine to Claremont
Elementary School students in 1968, while Zeta Pi Gamma was found responsible
for sinking the Lusitania in 1917. Lambda Nu was disbanded in 1990 after ASPC
discovered that they were responsible for the creation of the New Kids on the
Block. With such a storied history of criminal activity within Pomona fraternities,
ASPC senate is anxious to halt any further travesties.
"Don't misunderstand us; it's not about simply throwing all this blame
and guilt on two guys," Brenner said. "Pomona College has to show
that we're not going to simply allow this type of conduct on campus [anymore].
Seriously, have you read all of this? Like the part with the troop of blind
girl scouts in 1986? Or the annual midget-tossing competitions during the late
70's? I mean, what the hell is wrong with these people?"
Additional documents have been found suggesting Phi Delta involvement in the
murder of Nicole Brown Simpson, although the document's authenticity has yet
to be determined.