Shaolin Soccer: Like a Kick in the Crotch, But Better
I remember reading a retrospective article a few years ago comparing the successes
of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Dude, Where's My Car?, ultimately
finding that the two were actually not very far apart in terms of ridiculousness.
And it makes sense; I mean really, flying ninjas are cool (and by cool, I mean
totally sweet), but you just don't see them in real life. It got me thinking:
do ludicrous concepts automatically become more serious and respected if they're
presented in a foreign film? Would a movie called Eh Bien, Monsieur, ou est
mon jalopie? have been lauded by critics nationwide? And more importantly,
why doesn't Roberto Benigni dance on chairs anymore? With these questions and
various controlled substances floating around in my mind, I set out to discover
the truth. What I found both answered my questions and avoided them altogether;
what I found was even greater than the sum of its parts (whatever that means).
What I found was Shaolin Soccer.
If you haven't yet seen a movie that satisfactorily mixes high-caliber kung
fu action with the strategy, teamwork and angry crowds inherent to the game
of soccer, then Shaolin Soccer is just the movie for you. Written, directed
by and starring Steven Chow as an out-of-work kung-fu master, this film from
Hong Kong has smashed box office records in its home country and looks to be
headed over to America in the form of a dubbed English version from Miramax
early next year. But there's no need to wait until then to witness the majesty
of Shaolin Soccer, as an all-region DVD is easily available right now;
this version ought to be superior, too, due to the amazing amount of work gone
into the subtitle translations. Never in my life will I forget such memorable
lines as the coach's inspiring advice "how can you let him to kick the
soccer?" or Iron Shirt's unforgettable postmodern malaise: "You see!
There are full of planes in the sky. There are full of computer in the street".
It's little grammatical touches like these that make the film an unforgettable
experience and really make you see the world in a new light all over again.
So my point is: settle for nothing; fight the power; watch it on DVD.
At the heart of Shaolin Soccer lies an old rivalry between Hung and
Fung, between a manipulating villain and a crippled but heroic remnant of an
old soccer star; between an evil, remorseless owner and a coach that's just
really greedy. But aside from this power struggle lies the moral core of the
film in the form of Sing (Stephen Chow)'s attempts to popularize Kung Fu and
restore it to its former glory. After an ill-fated attempt at reviving Kung
Fu through the magic of lounge singing (sample lyric: "Shaolin kung-fu
is great! / Really great! / Shaolin kung-fu is wonderful! / Really wonderful!")
he realizes that in order to awaken the sleepy masses, he and his former Shaolin
brothers (with memorable names such as First Big Brother, Second Big Brother,
Fifth Big Brother etc.) must harness their kung-fu might upon the soccer field.
And harness they do: as the team's forward, Sing is only a slightly less powerful
offense than, say, a tornado; he's backed up by (among others) Iron Head, a
chain-smoker who has a head made of, well, iron, and Weight Vest, who can fly
(just as a real weight vest should). In the national tournament to win a million
'dollars', the team makes short work of the rabble in the preliminary matches,
but how will they perform against their rivals, Hung's Evil Team? No, really,
the evil team is actually called Evil Team. Reporters call them that. Hung himself
says "The Evil Team'll be the champion in the world". This is just
another of example of how much this movie owns both you and me put together.
Another method by which this movie owns all of us is in the special effects
department. Ok, make your Matrix comparisons. Make your Crouching
Tiger references. The film does borrow from them, and make fun of them at
the same time. But the special effects are at least as equally amazing here
as they are in those other two movies - no buildings blow up and we don't see
Chow Yun-Fat deflecting six million goddamned darts with one sword, but we do
get a scorching soccer ball morphing into a giant fiery tiger and a bullet-motion
shot of the goalie collecting a bunch of shoes (trust me on this), so Shaolin
Soccer doesn't exactly get the short end of the stick. Any effects that
can make a guy as big as Weight Vest look graceful in the air gets points
from me.
As good as the premise, special effects et al. are, the little extra touches
added here and there really cement the film's quality. Whether it's the circular
momentum of coins in a traveling pot, the glass-shattering wake of a sonic boom
on the field or the choice between DTS Surround and Dolby Digital (each with
its own video!), the film just oozes with little quirks and details that make
the tale all the more believable. Well, aside from the big guy flying around.
One bizarre facet of the film is the amount of ludicrous violence and human
injury; it seems like everyone in the city (outside of the team) is a mad, violent
sociopath who hands out routine beatings to poor singers and imperfect soccer
players. This is probably some part of Chinese pop culture that I don't understand,
and if you're a Jackass fan you probably won't care too much, but the
random beatings just seem oddly out of place in an otherwise happy, fairy tale
kind of story.
But don't let it bother you; Shaolin Soccer really is worth checking
out, and not just for the superior translation. There's so much to like about
it that just about everybody will find different selling points, so it's useless
for me to repeat any here; just reside in the comfortable knowledge that copies
are going for about $8 on E-bay right now.
And in the end, how did Shaolin Soccer answer my questions, you ask?
Simply: 'yes', 'no', 'no', 'yes', and 'giraffe', though the translation might
have been a little iffy on that first answer there.