Ingedients 1 cup of water, 1 cup of sugar, 4 large eggs, 2 cups of dried fruit, 1 tsp of baking soda, 1 tsp salt, 1 cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts and a bottle of whisky. Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter into a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still ok. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the dried fruit gets stuck to the beaterers pry it losse with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed. |
| Fruit Christmas Cake Recipe |
Twas the night before christmas and all around my hips Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care In the hopes that my thighs would forget that they was there. While Mama in her girdle and my in chin straps Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps. When out in the pantry arose such a clatter I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash Tore open the ice box and threw up my sash. The mashmallow look of new fallen snow Seny thoughts of a binge to my body below. When what to my wondering eyes should appear. A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer! That huge chunk of candy so lucious and slick I knew in a second I'd wind end up sick. The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer I close my eyes tightly but I could still hear, On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS, A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox. From top of the scales to the top of the hall Now dash away pounds and dash away all. Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to my night-dress My clothes were all bulging from too much excess. My droll little mouth and my round little belly They shook when I laughed like a full bowl of jelly. I spoke not a word but went straight to my work Ate all the candy then turned with a jerk. And laying a finger besides my heartburn I gave a quick nod, to the bedroom I turned. I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry If temptation is removed I'll get thin by and by! And i mumbled again as I turned for the night In the morning I'll starve....'til I take the first bite! |
| Twas The Night Before Christmas. (The Dieter's Version) |
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